Thursday night…

I need to take some time and find my creative side again… This 365 thing is a bit harder than I expected but I promise to myself in a few days that ill have something better…:)

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I’m tired and my head hurts… This has got to be one of those short ones. One thing I’ll say though, life seems like its finally on the right track. I don’t know why or how that is, but something feels a bit different lately. Maybe it’s because I get out of the house more. Who’s knows.

I went on a pretty kick ass flight today to Boise. It was a long day but it was soo worth it. Stupid me filed the flight plan a bit wrong and they started that pesky search and rescue thing but a simple radio call fixed it. Flying has become fun again now that I’m in instrument training and I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel!

I’ve got nothing profound. I’m sorry.

Death and dancing…

Some say I’d probably go to hell for not remembering what day this was on a calendar, but screw them. I had recently opened my restaurant and was still in the midst of getting my ass handed to me every day by unruly customers expecting five star service, new employees (they were good, but we were all new), and a plethora of vendors and charity seekers that would not let off. Though I don’t know the day, I remember the events as if they happened five minutes ago.

My Grandma Helen was in extremely poor health and was due to check out any time. She was in and out of the hospital from the care facility and was essentially lost in this world since my Grandpa had passed away several months before. Their house was sitting empty just waiting for the bank to take their claim since the rest of the family seemed to not have a solution to save it. I guess these reverse mortgages aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

This particular day I was slammed. (Relatively). My sister was supposed to come in and help while I trained some new employees how things operated. She didn’t show up and I was so busy that I barely had time to step away to call and find out why. Back in the kitchen I saw a call from the sister, then my dad, then a text from the sister again. ‘You need to call right now.’ I knew right then that things were not good. I told the employees that we would close early and that everyone in the restaurant would get their food and we’d regretfully turn away any new customers.

I stalled on calling back because I knew what was happening. Grandma had a living will to not be put on life support if anything should happen. Being busy and flustered caused some meals to come out late and/or incorrect. I remember a couple asking for my presence so they could tell me how shitty their experience was. My response, “I’m sorry, my family is about to fall apart because my grandma is dying right now and is on life support. So as soon as you’re done eating I’m going to go see her before she dies…”

People generally made an expedient move towards the end of their meals and gracefully exited without any further commotion. People can be so rude.

My family thinks less of me because of what I chose to do next. Before being hit with the grim news, I was planning on doing some dancing that night. I was actually going for an initial interview to teach at a studio. I went home after I closed the restaurant and changed into some slacks and dress shirt and threw on the Harley jacket and half helmet. Along with a backpack of essentials and my dance shoes, I hauled ass to the hospital.

I finally arrived and did not give one shit about seeing anyone there except my grandma and my dad. He was a complete wreck. Not only is he battling cancer, he recently lost his father and now his mother was on her way out. He rode with me on the elevator to see her and he broke down. It’s quite possibly the shittiest feeling in the world when the strongest man you ever know can barely stand on his own two feet because of the extreme grief he is feeling. We held each other all the way.

He had already made peace with her so I was guided to her room where she sat upright on the life support machines. Her body was dead but she had not left yet. My uncle was in there with my sister, holding her and telling her it was going to be ok. It was right before I walked in that they pulled the plug. She was declared deceased but because of the way our bodies work she would have a spasm and take a deep breath in and twitch slightly. I had no need to look in her eyes anymore. I held her hand and closed my eyes. She was still warm, but definitely losing all signs of life as each second went on.

Everyone else left the room and I stayed holding her hand. I rested my forehead on my hand which was wrapped around her hand. I thanked her for everything she was to all of us and told her I was happy that her suffering was over. I those last few minutes as her body twitched more, her hand lifted and she pointed towards the door. There was one final breath and I could tell she finally left. This was no divine moment, it was simply the truth about what I feel. Her soul finally departed. I was flooded with the overwhelming sensation that there is absolutely no reason to be in that hospital anymore. She was gone and she sure as hell wouldn’t want anyone else to stand around moping anymore. Mourning should not take place in such a sterile environment as that.

I won’t discuss too much of the family issue right now but this entire event wasn’t for her,. It was for the greed and pride of everyone else left behind. I’ve always hated the drama and backstabbing within the family. As I walked out, my uncle tried to console me. I shrugged away. I walked towards my dad, gave him a hug and said “she’s gone, and we should all go too.”

I grabbed my helmet and jacket from my mom and proceeded to walk out the door. A few of them tried to tell me I shouldn’t ride in my condition and that I’m being stupid. Once again, it was about them being right and forgetting an important lesson. A hard as it was for me to contain the tears, I felt stronger than I had in a long time.

It’s almost impossible not to mourn the death of a loved one, but I am a firm believer that someone’s life should be celebrated and their legacy should be continued on as they would want us to live life. My grandma was the rock of the family. She held no grudges and did not take any bull from any of ’em. Ultimately her death was the catalyst to the family losing any sign of solidarity. To each their own.

I was followed out by a few family members hell bent on keeping me there. I got on my Harley and started the ride to Bellevue. I won’t lie, it was hard to keep my composure but I felt an amazing feeling of freedom. It felt as if my grandma told me to go and live life. The way I felt. I could almost hear the words as she would say it in my head. ‘Who cares what other people think, do what you love…’

The interview went well and I really didn’t get much chance to dance but that was ok. Ultimately I had to turn down an offer simply because my restaurant schedule took precedence and would not allow me to dedicate the time needed to teach dance.

The aftermath of my grandma’s death is something that doesn’t deserve much time in this blog. The family acted ridiculous and it’s sickening that bygones aren’t ever really bygones.

We can’t get caught up with sadness and hopelessness in life. Death and despair is inevitable in each of our lives but there’s something more important to the story than our simple little lives we live. There’s a fire inside us that guides the way for others and keeps them warm and safe while they are in trouble. God or no god, we have to have faith that there’s something bigger than us. Our existence can’t simply be for what we experience and nothing more. When I felt my grandma leave, there was substance to it. Se was going somewhere and I could feel a brightness to it. Maybe it was simply inside me, and the only way I could express it is to say that it was her going to a better place. Truth is, her life and her soul put so many of us in a better place. Whether or not certain family members will truly understands that and get over themselves is up to them. My final question to this is, ‘why can’t the rest of us do the same for others?’

Crappy food…

It’s a Sunday. My mind needs a break from thought. I miss cooking. I miss being able to entertain people without having to worry about trying to impress them. I don’t have really awesome exotic recipes but when I do cook for others I do it out of love. I love the reaction on people’s faces when they take a bite of something that I made and they absolutely love it. Maybe not. Maybe I’ve been lied to this whole time and whatever I cook is crap. Either way, it’s something I need in my life again.

I watched a guy make a cheapy pizza at subway today and it made me want to vomit a bit. I was about a six inch pizza made from a prepared dough and cheese crust. He threw on about six pieces of pepperoni and by the tie it was done out of the oven and cut, the pepperoni had shifted to one side and looked like it had been dropped on the floor a few times and shoved back into the box by a disgruntled employee.

Why can’t people put some care into these kinds of things? I know people hate having to serve others but if they don’t like it, quit your damn job.

A Light…

I’m going to take a snippet from my personal journal for today. This entry is one of the few that I would feel comfortable sharing at this point. It’s one that I reflect back on quite a bit and its one of those writings that I wouldn’t recognize as my own if I didn’t have it in my own journal. I vaguely remember the person I mention in this entry. It is from a few years back so it’s a reflection of my state of mind before making the choice to come to flight school.

June 19, 2011 – A Light

I’ve neglected obligations to find myself. It is working. I feel like I might actually have a chance at coming out on top. At least coming out slightly ahead of where I think I need to be. I met another soul today. She was stunning. I’m being careful with the feelings but I can’t help noticing it. If I never see her again I will be sad, but regardless I was able to take something from our meeting. It is something I have felt in my heart for some time. We are not merely here for ourselves. We are here for others. To help others find their way. It seems no matter who we are, we are all a collection of broken pieces. Our lives are the aftermath of circumstance whether in or out of our control. What we are choosing to do with those pieces makes up the structure of our character. We shall never on this earth be immune to making mistakes. We may make the same mistakes over and over again. I hope to rid myself of complacency. I cannot see a life worth living if it is merely for the comfortable satisfaction of others. The acquisition of debt, whether financial or personal is killing us. We are trying too hard to borrow ourselves out of our mistakes. We aren’t given the light of the sun as a payback for the darkness of night. Every day is a new day and we should embrace what it brings.

Basketball players are pussies

I’m a little short on ideas tonight. As usual, my part time job seems to drain the life out of me. I think the only reason I stay at this point is because of being able to be around people. As much as it sucks, it’s as close to real life as I can get right now.

Sorry to disappoint to my loyal readers. But if you truly are a loyal reader you’ll know that I’ll have some more meaningful stuff soon.

I guess the only thing I can express tonight is how basketball players have to be the biggest wusses out there. They always seem to be falling down expecting the referee to call a foul on another player. And they call a foul because one guy extends an arm out to push another guy off him? Really? Why don’t they get some rugby around these places? Now there’s a mans sport!

I need to get out more.

I miss myself

Another night that I have so much on my mind and I hate myself for not having the ability to write what’s on my mind.

I’m in the instrument portion of my flight training. In simple terms, I’m learning to fly an airplane without having to look outside the cockpit. Pretty cool stuff really. My last flight I took off with simulated zero visibility. I couldn’t see out the windows as I accelerated down the runway and took off. From that point on, I wasn’t allowed to look outside until about twenty minutes later when I was supposed to be aligned with the runway preparing to land. It’s not easy by any means, but what I’m learning is a little bit like a dumb hot chick. It’s a lot of fun when you’re in the midst of seeing her tits and trying to get in her pants, yet when the deed is done you realize that the rest of your life needs further stimulation.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I love flying and I don’t regret choosing to do this whole commercial pilot thing. It’s awesome. Truth of the matter is, my life needs something more! As I’ve mentioned before, I want to get back into ballroom dance. Nobody around here seems to have any interest. I want to travel but going alone is so friggin boring. I want to be creating memories right now but all I can seem to create is dreams of a better life.

There’s something seriously wrong right now. I know how to accomplish things and I’m confident that I can do whatever it is I choose to do. I opened a restaurant, jumped out of planes, joined the military, gone to flight school, traveled a lot, loved more than I’ve been loved, experienced pain and guilt of death and even considered easing my pain by pulling the trigger. Even in escaping it all, it wouldn’t be good enough for what I want.

I miss North Carolina. I miss Sarah and Daniel. I miss Ame. I miss Tara. I miss the Dog House Saloon and karaoke on the week nights hoping to get at least an hour of sleep before the next morning. I miss the trips to Ireland with my dad. The Guinness tastes nothing like this crap we have here. I miss Duane, Casey and Clint. The crazy house parties with Hooters girls! I miss Hooters! The restaurant of course. I miss Philpot Lake. Even before the Carolina experience, I miss the life I at least tried to create. Flying to Alaska for the hell of it. The winery tours or even long bike rides to the middle of nowhere. I miss nights out with my sister’s hot friends. I miss my grandparents.

I know for myself that missing the past does nothing for your future. Thing is, I think of how things were and how I can find a way to incubate the same caliber of memories again. Much of it has to do with the company you keep. A bigger part of it has to do with the fire that is lit inside.

Im patiently waiting for something to make me come alive. I tend to try a little too hard with females in my life. I’m being humbled on a regular basis and realizing that no one really cares as much as I would hope they do. I should have listened to my friend Sarah a few weeks ago when she said ‘Dave, if she doesn’t seem interested why are you even trying?’ Is almost like I’m trying to be in control of making something awesome happen. I should have learned by now that if something amazing is supposed to happen, it simply will. Sadly I also have to expect at this point that just because it is amazing doesn’t mean it will last forever. I’ll take that however because the life I’m finding myself living is no where near the satisfaction I get when looking in someone’s eyes even for a second and seeing the world turn upside down.

My lack of patience is killing me right now but I am doing quite well keeping it under control. I need to finish the next handful of months in this flight program. Maybe I need to start looking for a job or place to live. Who knows. I’m not planning ahead in order to avoid distraction. I’m too close to the end to ruin it chasing after something that probably isn’t going to do me any good.

So I drink, and work out and chuckle inside to the general population I’m surrounded by due to their lack of understanding about what this world is really all about. I have faith that I’m on the right track. Maybe I’m wrong, but the lack of excitement in my life could actually be the best thing for me right now.

Stupid bitch…

I went to the local watering hole to meet up with a friend and unwind for the night. It was a fairly un eventful night. Aside from getting schooled in a few rounds of scrabble, I was doing quite alright for the night. It was a decent day, visited a local dance studio and confirmed that any sort of formal dancing is non-existent in Moses Lake. I was able to take a good ride on the Harley as well. I had forgotten about my loss of faith in humanity until tonight.

“You are a stupid fucking bitch. You know that? I can’t stand the sight of you.”

Those were the words of a worthless piece of shit sitting at the bar tonight. An overweight worthless pile was talking to his wife this way without any reservations. He was forty maybe. Looked like a backwoods hillbilly mechanic that sees society maybe twice a month. (Not to relate a backwoods hillbilly mechanic to being a dirt bag, but for descriptive purposes). Him and his buddy won two hundred on the pull tabs and felt like they were high rollers or something. Loud and obnoxious is describing it lightly.

An older Spanish lady came walking up behind me and then on to the stool between the two guys. General conversation ensued and I thought nothing of it.

Until (see above). He begun speaking to her in Spanish when it became apparent that everyone else could hear what was being said. Not that speaking Spanish isn’t a great disguise in this neck of the woods but I guess he thinks white guys like me can’t piece together bits of another language that I hear every day.

Anyhow, the typical ‘abusive husband’ dialogue went on for quite a while until he finally gave her permission to get out of his life and leave. Needless to say, she left and his buddy consoled him while he began to get mopey and sad about everything… Poor guy…

Poor guy my ass. He needs his testicles ripped off and shoved down his throat while being skull fucked by an elephant. Sorry for the harsh words. An elephant deserves better.

Before continuing on my rant about these kinds of men, I do understand that it takes two to tango. And I do understand that abuse can go both ways. Stubbornness gets people what they ask for by ignoring the advice of other people. “Hey, that guy you’re seeing is a douche, maybe you should reconsider…” Doesn’t seem to get absorbed into naive minds. Anyways… With that disclaimer;

Men who abuse their wives or girlfriends or even ex’s should quite honestly be ashamed of themselves. Do us all a favor and quit existing. Period. I’m quite used to being around hot headed, insecure, immature male gender human beings. Their arrogance and pseudo-alpha male behavior is not only stupid, it’s about as good as them putting a Tap-Out sticker on their cars and calling themselves an MMA fighter. This guy tonight was forty something and spoke as if he was ‘the shit.’ Insecurity at its finest. Nothing new to me.

My deep down issue comes when guys impose their insecurities on women in their life. The woman may have been stupid enough to stay with the guy in the first place, but it gives these idiots no right to treat them less than any human ever deserves. Of course the reasonings for their actions could come from insecurities about having a small penis, maybe they’re fat or unable to get an erection. Maybe they fantasize about having sex with their mothers. Maybe they feel the need to compensate for the fact that they are dumb as bricks and couldn’t visualize how to walk and chew gum at the same time. Maybe they are traumatized by the fact that once girls found out what they’re all about they got dumped. The lengths that guys will go to announce their claim on something they deem as personal property astounds me.

Sadly, abusive men have no clue what they are doing. They think they are right no matter what. Just like a juvenile who thinks they know everything before even being allowed to be out past curfew, abusive and controlling people can’t see past their own ignorance. It doesn’t even have to be physical or direct verbal abuse either. It could be passive aggressive tendencies that make someone feel uncomfortable or apprehensive to do anything out of the norm, including leaving.

I used to be a jealous boyfriend. Thoughts of my girlfriend betraying me consumed my life. I thought I knew how everything should be and that was that. I’m not going to say that I’m completely void of jealousy now, but I’ve taken some big steps in my life to alleviate those kinds of emotions. I’ll be damned if someone claims they don’t have jealous or insecure tendencies at some point in their life. One of the big motivators for me to try and change was seeing the progression of others go from simple jealousy to inescapable control to physical violence. I’m not a violent person by nature but remembering how I was raised could very well bring out some repressed feelings if I end up losing control in my own life.

Some level of insecurities can be normal for sure. Just as a flu vaccine gives you a small dose to avoid an outbreak, accepting undeniable feelings can be the best thing for maintaining control overall. I think educating women on the signs of a potentially abusive partner is about as important as anything in this matter. Here’s my attempt at a list of markers…

Inconsideration – not just for you, but for others. Are they cognizant of how their actions are affecting other people? Even in normal interaction with people. If they don’t consider the feelings of someone who ultimately does them no good, what makes you think that they will never treat you the same way.

Cocky persona – Awesome, they have a fast car… But it is probably financed beyond their means and more than likely consigned by mom or dad. They seem to care too much about their appearance. They’re obviously trying to impress people. He stands ready to defend himself if anyone questions his credibility. And if you ever get out of line he just may want to pop you out of existence just like a pesky pimple. (This paragraph is rich with metaphors)

Alcohol – no brainier right? I’m talking irresponsible alcohol use. Watch their actions after a few or even more drinks. Same as when sober, watch how he treats other people. Complete strangers as well. In the early stages they may seem like one of those fun drunks but watch when things don’t go their way. The protectiveness they exhibit over you may be flattering at first, but once they become bored with you after having three kids, you better not overstep your bounds when he’s a loaded cannon. He may have protected you when you were a hot piece of ass, but threaten his manhood and you might not get out alive. So many more aspects to the alcohol variable but this is simply what’s rolling off my mind right now.

Friends – Or lack thereof. The company one keeps says a lot about their character. Does your ‘faithful man’ spend his time with single and carefree young’ns? Is he picky with the appearance of his friends? What about his actions with other women? I generally find that low life abusive scum wads don’t have true long term friendships with people from their past. They are more like acquaintances. Do friends come and go all the time? If their friends keep a distance… From them… Take heed.

Sensitivity – Not sugar coating this one. Overly sensitive guys are unstable. Way worse than guys with no admittance of sensitivity. If you’re pandering to his mommy issues on a weekly or daily basis, he’s got problems. This is the twenty first century as well. Confessing eternal love for someone is just weird. Not to say that it isn’t possible, but more than likely the only reason some of these twits do these things is because they know they will probably never do as good as you if they lose you, so they get desperate and make you apprehensive to consider leaving. I admit, I’ve cried for girlfriends. If I could go back in time I’d throat punch myself for doing that.

Bedside manners – Another no brainier but no sugar coating here either. Most guys truly do think with their penis. Some simply want to feel comforted and coddled. However some guys simply want to experience intercourse and ejaculation with a woman to exhibit the apparent control they have over them. ‘Making love’ is something they only understand to be in movies and Shakespeare. This is what separates the men from boys. Men know how to deal with the fact that pussy doesn’t just come to them at will. Boys feel the need to prove themselves by playing mind games that us guys know how to do all too well. Thence, they will find themselves consumed with irrational emotions, causing a downward spiral effect.

Their life – Often overlooked, the relative success that a person has in their life may influence how they treat someone else. Inadequate career progression can be just as humiliating as having an inoperable tiny penis. Except everyone can see it. They will make up for their lack of worth in the world by creating an unstable and often meaningless life for their girlfriends, wives or even families. Think of the stories where men don’t want women to surpass them in the working world, so they find ways to inhibit progression outside of their influence. It bothers me to hear a man insist that she won’t work and she will be a housewife or stay at home mom. Unless she’s into that then she better be prepared for potential consequences. Modern society has warned you.

It’s a lame list I know, it’s based on my judgement of douchebags that I’ve met in my life. Some are harmless, but the ones that take it a little too far seem to have these things in common. There’s probably a hundred other signs that a person could become just like the sack of coincidently placed cells resembling a sack of dog crap that I ran into tonight. I also purposely left out a great deal of the violence aspect. I’m quite sure the guy tonight beats his wife at home. Probably rapes her when he’s feeling horny after watching porn or women’s volleyball. It’s a whole other realm of disgust that I have for these people and tonight I feel the need to avoid antagonizing thoughts.

Head in the you know what…

Not much time or energy to write much at the moment but I will say this… Flying in the clouds is awesome! Currently I’m in instrument flight training and fly under the hood for damn near the entire flight. (Can’t see outside). On one of the approaches today my instructor said I could look outside for a moment. Nothing but the tops of clouds! We’ve all seen pictures I’m sure of what it looks like but nothing quite compares to being the one in a little airplane flying through those awesome puffy white things.

Aside from learning to deal with physiological confusion with the instruments, body sensations and visual illusions, it was one of the best moments I’ve had yet while flying. It truly is what dreams are made of. It almost felt like I could have stepped out of the airplane and taken a walk on those cloud tops.

Anyone want to go for a flight?