Rut…

I’ve given myself a timeline for this blog project and it sucks. I don’t really even like calling it a ‘project.’ It’s something I’ve decided to do this year because quite simply, I like to write. I figure I might as well share it with anyone who cares to read. The problem I’m having lately is the severe lack of personal time management. The lack of me-time is proving it’s ill-effect on my life.

My life is pretty simple so I’m taking advantage of this time to evaluate how I should react when things get really interesting. I wake up, fly, go to a few classes, go to work (depending on the day) and a few nights I have a night class. For the weekends, it’s all work time. Yea yea, I shouldn’t bitch because there’s plenty of people out there who have it much harder. I’ve run into quite a few. Some people have kids, spouses, more bills, etc etc…

I think the lack of stimulation in my life is bitch slapping me into consideration of going to the extremes to fix it. I spent a fair amount of time here going to the local bar to get my fix of being around people. Thing is, the pool of interesting people here is close to nil. Without a reliable source of friends there’s not much to occupy a single person’s time in the Oasis of Eastern Washington. Being that I fill my time with seemingly pointless classes and working for a mediocre job, I feel drained. I want to sleep. Or drink. Or read some stupid fifty shades book. It’s usually at the inopportune times that I decided I want to study for things that matter, like my instrument oral exam coming up, or maybe some commercial rating knowledge. Then, oh crap… it’s almost midnight and I haven’t written my blog.

This extreme un-fulfillment that I feel throws me into two mindsets depending on the day. I’m either resigned to the fact that I chose this path and must suffer with it, or I feel motivated to say ‘screw-it’ and throw away all my stuff, move to Mexico and become a black-market charter pilot for the cartels. (not really, but how cool would it be to tell that story to my grandkids?)

It’s a rut that I’m in. I want to rush to the end of this phase but I’m on the timeline of other people. Patience is not my virtue and it seems that the pace of society slows down exponentially when I decided I want to do something worthwhile…

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Take me…

All I want to do right now is get in my car, drive to the airport and catch a flight to some tropical area. Caribbean maybe? Fiji? Some exotic place that makes me sound like a well cultured traveler? This would be the plan until I had to figure out the return trip home.

I’ve found myself in a culture where people get married and divorced more times than they take vacations in their life. I see why. It’s frustrating to have to figure out all the pieces to actually taking a vacation, or any time away for that matter.

Requesting time off from work, saving money, taking care of chores and bills when you’re gone, booking flights or planning drives, researching and deciding on vacation spots, packing, scheduling… Ugh….

It seems so common place to be too busy to breathe once in a while. I miss my weekends. A no-shit day off or two. I miss having a day of not feeling guilty for not doing a damn thing! The choice to go to school and get a job is totally my choice but this really sucks. Hopefully it’ll pay off in the end. I can’t even find a single day to go out of town to take care of things that I’ve neglected for too long. (My boat being number one).

Maybe I’m just lacking the reason for motivation.

Some beach…

A current mini-trend that I’ve noticed is the amount of songs that elude to being on a beach somewhere… Well, the Zac Brown Band came on the radio and ‘Toes’ was playing… Toes in the water, ass in the sand not a worry in a world a cold beer in my hand… So on and so forth…

Well, I was at a stoplight when this song started playing and the mix of exhaustion and impatience caught up to me. I got lost in my head, sitting on a beach. Something straight out of a movie. I completely blocked out everything that was going on around me and I did not want to leave the world I had immersed myself in. Until the damn car behind me started honking and in a daze I continued on…

I ran across a quote the other day that pinched a nerve. Something about waiting for the next obstacle or situation to pass until we can start our lives, but then realizing that all the hangups and frustrations we have in our daily lives is actually ‘our life.’ I’m fully aware that my time here is waning and my life will in fact start again. The trouble I see in this, is that I wonder if I really have what it takes to become the person who lives the life I dream of living.

Am I going to run into the same old shit that I’ve been experiencing the last few years of my life? Am I going to attract people that uplift me or am I going to be a magnet for something less than desired? For the critical judgmental people in my life, you’re right. I’m Mr. Negativity and nothing will change no matter how far I try and run. Eat a dick…

I left a good life for something I thought would be great and I got sucked into a life that I tried to accept as ‘OK’ because of guilt. The restaurant was one of the biggest, best mistakes I’ve made yet in my life. I’m glad I did it, but the negative headway I’ve made as a person is really starting to get me down. Yes, I sold out. I gave away something to people who walked all over me. I let it happen because I wanted out. I could have stuck to my guns, proved everyone wrong and opened the second location as was in the works. The reason I’ve never told anyone about what I had planned is because I knew the response I’d get. ‘Do it!’…

I had a lease contract in place and a plan to open up my second location. The problem was, I lost everything in my heart. The money that would have been made proved nothing for the success I wanted as a person. I was doing it for the wrong reason. I was doing it to prove others wrong. Not a single piece of the plan had to do with me being happy.

I chose to attend flight school because I’ve always wanted to fly. When I was fourteen I took my first flight in a little Cessna…N45454. I still remember the call sign… The flow of money wouldn’t have been a problem at that time but I used it as a crutch to quit pursuing it. If I did other things with my life it made others happier. That’s what matters right? So why would a guy with a business in the green with plans for a new location within a year and half of opening drop it all for a life less than extraordinary? Follow along in the blog and if you care to find out, you will.

I still have my Harley… Material as it is, it is the one thing that reminds me to start living for myself. I drive a less than ‘cool’ twenty year old Honda, live in shitty college dorms, work at a pseudo-discount lumber store and I have no social life to write home about. I want to throw everything I own away and start fresh… This is in fact what I plan on doing.

I’m going to run away from my problems. I’m going to expect a better life. I expect friends to hold up their end of the bargain and I’m going to look for things to be happy about. I’m going to expect this because I’m making a choice in my life to do something I want to do for myself and no one else. In turn I hope to rebuild bridges I’ve burned. I have to be happy though. Happy with the life I choose for myself. At the end of the day the one who I go to bed with matters the most… And right now the one who I go to bed with is me.

What I just realized as I was re-reading this doing a little proofreading… No one wants to read this shit about me. At least not these long drawn out whiny blogs. I need to start writing some intriguing stuff. Stuff about sex, embarrassing tales, inspiring moments, life changing stories…

Here’s a possible idea… What if I found some people who live troubled lives and I immerse myself in them for a few days… (Or weeks)… Then I’ll write about it. How about life as a quadriplegic…. If I think my life sucks now, how would it feel to have to live my entire life having someone else wipe my ass for me everyday… Any volunteers?

A Semi-Dark Place…

On the way home from work tonight I had a strange urge to entertain some dark places. The weather turned ugly today and gave me some motivation for some reason. A warm and windy sandstormy day. As I wound down for the evening I’ve pondered some things that I try to avoid. I avoid these thoughts because its usually frowned upon to be openly pissy about things too much. ‘Cheer up’ says the one who has no idea what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes… ‘Don’t be so grumpy’ says the one who lies to themselves about how mundane their life really is… ‘Don’t be so negative’ says the one who ignores their problems by pointing out how everyone else can fix theirs so easily…

Some people disgust me. Some really disappoint me. A few amaze me. I wonder sometimes why I compare myself to some people. The longer I know someone, the more I’m disappointed. I think I’ve figured out why. It’s not their fault.

The route of example I’ll use for sake of simplicity is the relationships I see people in. I know of some really amazing people. Truly wonderful people. One on one they are my ‘cup of tea.’ Male, female, whatever.

Fools really do rush in.

I’ve resorted to the idea that if I want a relationship with anyone, I have to start truly living for myself. That being said, I see other people get into ‘relationships’ and it sickens me. This goes for both genders. I’ll speak of women here simply because as most guys can relate, it sucks to be the ‘nice guy’ that not only finishes last but to be the friend who ends up seeing the wreckage go down in flames.

As I’m writing this I think of countless women that I know in my life that have absolutely no idea what their worth is, and they throw it away for some self-absorbed, insecure, titty-sucking, demeaning douche-bag. Sure, they’re nice guys on the surface but really? You’re dating ‘him?’ Give me a fucking break! You can do better… Really, you can.

Juvenile as the above paragraph is, it leads into something more. For whatever reason, people don’t seem to realize their worth. People live their lives not only incapable of realizing how special they really are, they are groomed by society to play a part in the suppression of expression and advancement of the human race. On a micro level, people don’t realize how much better their own lives can be if they could break out of their complacency and resignation for mediocrity. I may be less disappointed as well.

I run into people and get to know a select few on a level that I don’t take for granted. I have one particular person in my life that I think is absolutely amazing and wonderful and beautiful. We go out, and it never fails. Some horse molesting creeper seems to find his way into the situation and confesses his awe of her presence and sucks all levels of meaningful connection out of our interaction. At least for me.

Irresponsible people throw the words ‘beautiful’ and ‘I Love You’ (amongst others) out there without fully appreciating what it’s supposed to mean. Given this oddity of the ignorance I find myself surrounded by, I refrain from communicating how I feel. I simply become ‘one of them’ and my words carry less worth. Just as my friend goes home to her careless, cheating boyfriend when the night is done, people at all levels in my life find their way home at the end of the day into situations absolutely less than intriguing.

Anything I might be able to say or express to someone else seems to fade out into a dense fog of confusion just as the Peanuts teacher says ‘wa waa wa wa’ to the kids in school.

My blogs mean less than I hope for my readers, just as my words have little real impact on people in my life but I have faith that something along the way might click and someone, anyone, may take heed to the message I’m trying to get across.

I don’t care who you are or what role you play in my life, there is something more. Something amazing. It could be right under your nose. It could also be a thousand miles away. It’s not about leaving the person you’re with or burning bridges, it’s about living on a level you’ve never thought possible. Money or status plays no part in this life I’m talking about. No one should be given the opportunity to hold down your heart when they’ve done nothing to prove themselves worthy. You have to regain control of who you are and what you can really do with your time here. If someone you know finds a way to keep you from spreading your wings because of their invalidated reasonings, it’s time to set the wheels in motion. Get going.

Sometimes I feel bad that my life is so easy. Though I’ve got some demons deep deep down, I plainly confess my modesty. Dare I wish for some life changing event to change my approach? I’ve been there, done that and I can’t wait for what’s next. I just hope that when I die, I can look back on my life and say it was worth it. As I write this I severely question why I’m guilty of doing absolutely nothing with my life right now. I’ve got too much stuff, not enough friends and you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a piece of ass?

Whores…

Back in the MySpace days I wrote a blog-ish entry about whores. Looking back on it, the writing was very juvenile. It was fueled by my perceptions of people in command of my military unit. My perceptions weren’t irrational.. more so mis-directed. I was a scapegoat for people’s issues. I was entrusted with information that I really didn’t need to know. I’m all about being a shoulder for someone to lean on but when it gets taken advantage of, there’s only so much I can take.

Anyways, about this whole whore thing. I’m going to try and revisit it with a different perspective.

The Encarta dictionary defines a whore as “an offensive term for somebody who is regarded as willingly setting aside principles or personal integrity in order to obtain something, usually for selfish motives”. It also defines it as “an offensive term for somebody regarded as being sexually indiscriminate”.

My view of this definition has not changed in the bulk of my adult years. What I’ve highlighted before is the fact that it is labeled by definition as an ‘offensive’ term. Is it really offensive? It’s what it is isn’t it? Like a Cheese Quesadilla. A Cheese Cheese Tortilla? Why emphasize what it is by throwing a word in that for all intensive purposes is irrelevant.

The world is full of whores. Sexual and Non-Sexual. As it could be defined in a sexual manner, there are plenty of hypocrites in this world. Many of which are self proclaimed Christians. They believe in purity and goodness for a façade, but they can’t shrug aside the natural urge to engage in nefarious sexual intercourse. This conflict within brings out the worst in people in my opinion. Why the hell would I believe that someone is being true to their god when they can’t even be true to themselves. Let’s not mention the fact that they can’t be true to fellow man-kind. Reasons for sex run the gamut and I won’t attempt to discuss them here, but I have a hunch that most people don’t have sex because they are trying to find deeper meaning in relationships with other people. It’s merely for a selfish desire… Whores…

The part of the idea of ‘whores’ that intrigues me more is the non-sexual type. The older I get, the more I realize that (many) people don’t care as much as they say they do. People are selfish. It’s an infantile trait that so many of us can’t seem to grow out of. Me Me Me! The claim to be compassionate is overshadowed by the fact that there is usually a trade off for exhibiting altruism in today’s society. I think about this kind of thing when I interact with other people. I try to offer something without expectation of a payback or favor. You need help moving some stuff? I’ll lend a hand. You need to conquer a fear? I’ll offer some experience. You trying to bang the hot checkout girl? I’ll be the wingman. Truly. I hold no debt for anyone. Though I claim to never expect anything in return, I do notice the lack of consideration people give for an effort of good deed.

The lack of integrity as it applies to this kills me sometimes. Do we really know what it means to have integrity? Integrity is not for others, it is for ourselves. Trying to showcase integrity is pompous and unnecessary. We may be tempted to lie to ourselves as long as we can put on a front for other people. “I’m a good girl!”… Right… “I don’t watch porn!”… yup.. “I know exactly what I’m doing!”… Hah!

What we choose to lie to ourselves about catches up sooner or later. Some may be lucky to dodge the bullet, but more than likely we will get caught with our pants down. How can I say this? It’s happened to me time and time again. When someone finds out how many women I’ve slept with their supposed respect for me is greatly diminished. Coupled with the fact that I technically have a child, people find good reason to stay away from me. If I had a dollar for each bridge I’ve burned in my life I’d be a millionaire. I’ve never done anything criminal but I’ve definitely had my run at whorish activities. Sexual and non-sexual. I’ve been selfish and sometimes heartbreaking. I don’t think I’m that different from anyone else though. We just have all sorts of different levels of admittance when it comes to facing the truth about the lives we live.

End result of why I have this on my mind… There comes a time (again and again) that we should re-evaluate what we are doing with our lives. Are we wasting it trying to avoid confrontation about stupid decisions we may have made? Are we living less than fulfilling lives because we have something that we don’t think we can get anywhere else? Is the whore in you more concerned with self preservation than contributing to the advancement of who you are as a person with integrity?

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Animal Shaped Glass…

I got to work today and found myself playing defense almost immediately. I had to call some distributors to get quotes on things that I knew the customer wasn’t going to buy. The first call was to some operator reading off a prompting card when I wanted some custom materials. Needless to say I got nowhere and decided to start saying weird shit just to entertain myself. “I’m looking for some obscured glass… In the shape of an ostrich. Do you have that?” Mid-sentence she interrupts and says “I fax you price sheet with all. O.K. sir?” …

Me: “That’s fine but I ne…”

Her: “Thank You sir, I fax now.”

Me: “You haven’t answered my que…”

Her: “Thank you for calling sir.”

Me: “You were amazing. Thank You!”

As soon as that was over, I was confronted with a fu-cup on my part. I placed a delivery on the wrong day and it was already supposed to be gone. Soo, I had to rush to get all the stuff pulled, on the truck and on the road… As I was walking out the back I came to the abrupt realization that I really have no reason to stress about this job. This job plays such a little part in my future that it would be irresponsible of me to let it get to me when I have so many other things I’d rather worry about.

One of those things is becoming a better person than I’ve been. In a quirky coincidence a song came over the radio as I was walking out to the truck. “Better Than I Used to Be” by Tim McGraw. Just about every single line in that song applies to my life right now. I’d share the song or lyrics but I’ll spare you the filler crap. No one really cares what a song means to someone else’s life. Google it though, it’s a really good song.

What I figured I’d turn this entry into tonight is how some things seem like they’re falling into place with a purpose. At certain moments in our lives we are stopped dead in our tracks and reminded of something a little bit better than the less than amazing situations we occasionally find ourselves in. Some of us are fortunate to have an easier life than others. We all fight our own battles though. I find that my experiences in how I feel never change no matter how much money I’m making or what kind of relationships I’m in.

I’m receptive to things that are a bit out of the ordinary. Like a random song coming over the radio that actually applies to a lot of other people’s lives as well. I’m not unique and this song wasn’t just for me.

It’s been so long that I’ve been ‘out in the rain’ that I don’t know how to imagine being in a much more comfortable place. Maybe I thrive on confusion and uncertainty. When I let myself go, I find that something is usually there to push me back into the right direction. Sometimes it feels a bit too late but nevertheless I’m never allowed to stray too far. If only for myself, I believe there’s a purpose to our lives. I don’t think it’s anything to do with modern day religion. It’s more than that.

I see so many opportunities to create a stable comfortable life. I could go find a job at some generally successful company, buy a house and settle into a community. I could plan out my next twenty years with assumed income, expected raises and advancements. Maybe I can plan out a retirement fund and savings goal. Then when I’m about to die I can pass on the materialistic things to my kids or grandkids. I will go down in family history as a good man who provided for his loved ones. He had great ambition but kept on solid ground as to not disrupt the social order in which he molded himself into.

I also see a life I can be happy about living. Though my eulogy may not be the easiest to swallow, I know deep down that if I live a life worth writing about, the people I leave behind will have at least an ounce more of envy for the risks I took and the joy I found in my decisions. Some of my decisions have brought me more issues than I really care to deal with but the way I see it, if I want people to take me seriously, I better have experienced what it is that I speak of.

If we don’t risk anything at all, what good is this life we’ve been given to live?

Autopilot…

While I was in truck driving school I heard a crazy accident report about an older couple that burned their RV to the ground. In a field. It is duly noted that people who buy obnoxiously large RVs are quite possibly the most dangerous people on the road. Anyways, the story goes as follows. The woman was sleeping in the back while her husband was driving. Presumably feeling sleepy and needing a ‘pick-me-up’ the RV was set on ‘auto-pilot’ (as documented from the investigation report) and the man found himself in the kitchenette making coffee. The RV barreled through a cattle fence, into a field jumping and hopping along before crashing to a fiery halt. The woman died.

Never, ever trust auto-pilot. Especially in a vehicle meant to be driven on a road. In the sky is a little more forgiving due to the nature of navigation capabilities.

My life is on autopilot right now and I don’t like it. I have a few more months until I have to make a change in my life. I have to make the change because I want to. In the meantime I have to finish my commercial pilot license, pass some ridiculous college classes, sell my boat, clear out my damn storage unit and figure out what the hell to do with my Harley. I must continue to work my lame job while mustering the willpower to avoid drinking simply to avoid a really annoying life situation. If I make one mistake, or let someone dictate how my life shall be commenced, I’m scared I’ll be screwed.

I am in no way close to giving up, but I’m losing faith in my resolve on a daily basis. Why the fuck am I doing this? To move to a place that I want to be instead of being guilted into it. To begin building a life for myself and hopefully a family. A wife? Who knows? I know what happy is, and right now is not even close to being happy.

The career path of being a pilot fresh out of school is rocky, though with some grit and determination anything is possible. I figure that since I’m not a douchebag idiot and have been around the block a few times, I can find myself a decent mode of employment or business to provide some income for the life I want to live. I want it to be for more than me though. It’s my hang-up that has caused me to ramble along making stupid decisions and setting myself up for disappointment all around. All I want for myself is a good time, good company and a comfortable place to lay my head at night. What I want with someone else is so jaded right now that I am in a constant tug-o-war with my intentions and my actions. I don’t mind that certain people don’t attract to me. I realize that many who I give credit to are about as deep as a kiddy pool on a cold winter day. I’ll impatiently wait for something amazing to happen. Until then, I think I’ll go make a cup of tea.