Underoos…

Today was probably the most productive day I’ve had in a long time… I didn’t do a damned thing! Well, kind of. I got up, threw some towels out on the lifelines to dry since my little mishap with the water yesterday then I took a nap… Got up about ten, cracked open a beer and about halfway through sat back down and dozed off for a minute before realizing I was drinking a beer for breakfast! I contemplated getting up again before deciding it was getting way too hot to move around so I opened all the hatches, stripped down to my underoos and laid in the sunlight coming though the porthole…

I think about halfway through the day I decided to venture out, grab a coffee and roam around town… Back to the boat I went and whattya know… Crashed out again in the sun for a few hours and here I am doing laundry. The little laundry shack reminds me of something you’d see in the movies… Pure white primered wood slat ceilings, blue and grey linoleum floors and a rusty old heater hanging in the corner. Makes me feel like I’d be in the Caribbean or something… (Until of course I look outside and see bone thugs n harmony cruzin’ downtown in his junkyard impala)… Anyways…

Why so productive? I let myself go finally. Absolutely no deadlines, no stress about people that don’t treat me right and the only thing I had to buy today was a slurpee and an ice cream cone…

I want to figure out what to do with myself soon… Flying? Sure… I guess. Problem is I want to enjoy it. These avenues of career options seem great for pushing through to retirement age hoping to be able to walk on your own two feet before truly living life… I’ve become a jack of all trades without a clue how to put my life on a resume… After all I’ve done and experienced (and still want to) do I really want to get in the rut of working for someone else? For some CEO that is out on his sailboat every weekend? For a manager that denies a little time off because I haven’t put my time in yet? For a college graduate who is still stuck on mommies tits yet irresponsibly makes the subordinate’s lives hell because of their new-found authority? I think I’ll pass…

I’m still in decision phase, but I keep coming back to the idea of opening another restaurant… The right way… Maybe a roach-coach? Maybe I’ll find a way to save a lot of money and open a cool little bar somewhere…

Till then, my laundry is done and I have some more napping to do…

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The first burn…

Totally lost track of time tonight…. After an amazing day of sailing with an old friend Paul, I am officially beat. I learned a crappy lesson today though… I didn’t think about draining the rain water from my anchor locker so when we got some good wind today and the boat heeled over the water level rose above the line where it’s sealed off, and sneakily ran into the main cabin and soaked all into the new carpet I just put in… Along with soaking a bit of the cushions it found its way into my lock box where I keep some semi-important papers… Hurumph… On the heater goes tonight to try and work it out…

After yesterday and today I think I managed to get my first burn out of the way for the summer… If I’m smart I’ll find a way to keep the color all year round so I don’t have to suffer through this again… It’s the price you pay for a good life though right?

Onward to bed I go hoping this tingly annoyance in my skin goes away fairly soon…

No status quo…

As of now I’m not counting the days of relaxation I’m enjoying. All I really know is that it’s towards the end of June and I couldn’t be much happier than I am right now. I’m purposely choosing to not do anything productive except for some random work on the boat. I managed to sand one handrail and throw a coat of varnish on it. Along with that I got this crazy thing called a sun burn… Soon to be a tan I’m sure.

I ran into an old boat neighbor today and was told a story about his friend that went through commercial flight school, flew inter-island in Hawaii and eventually became a captain for Hawaiian Airlines… Making over two hundred thousand a year… How cool is that? As much as I love flying, I wasn’t impressed. I’d rather be a charter pilot flying tourists around or maybe even a limited personal or corporate pilot. The money sure is nice but if money is what’s driving me I should have just been working for an investment firm or maybe worked in biochemical engineering… I’m sure I could struggle through school and land an entry level position that would allow me to post some really pompous and conceited shit on Facebook.

Instead I’d rather be happy. And I’d rather find someone to spend my life with that understands the un-importance of money and status. Of course I want to have some nice things and don’t want to live like a total hippy bum but I can’t bring myself to become just another person trying to win the rat race.

Deadline…

Whatever is good for your soul… Do that.

I subscribe to a Facebook page called Lessons Learned in Life. The quote came from a posting today with no further credit so consider the source cited…

My life is like a freshly wiped chalkboard right now. Remnants of my past are still there but I am fortunate enough to be at a crossroads of unlimited options right now. As I was driving to get my morning coffee from the most amazing little coffee stand this morning (no, it’s not the topless ones), I got lost in the moment. I forgot where I was going and for once I was able to enjoy it! As I came to, the hamster started again and coffee was on my mind. At the stoplight which ultimately brought me out of the haze, I looked down at my phone and saw this quote/picture… Funny how things like that come to light…

Right now I’m not unhappy, nor am I happy. That’s a good thing though. I’ve got a commercial pilot license, a commercial driver license, military experience, business owning experience, love experience, hurt experience and an undying desire to try something new. I’m brought back to the want of someone special by my side but quickly remember the struggle that has always come with it. If someone has the fortitude to live by my side I really just want to ‘be’ alive. Being alive however does not mean living less than something totally amazing…

I have about two weeks to decide what I’m going to do. This timeline isn’t for anything but my personal deadline. This is my time to relax and not let the world consume me as it has for too many years. Nothing I do from now on shall be from desperation and everything I do shall be for one hell of a story to tell when I’m finally ready to succumb to time…

Drop the big stick already…

For as long as I can remember, It’s been brought to my attention how short or small I am. (No, not talking about being in the sack…)… I guess I’m slightly below average height and weight is just about on par. Five foot seven for those who don’t know me face to face. Actually I can be as short as five six on a bad day. I truly blame that on working jobs my whole life that require being on my feet followed by military. My posture sucks and gaining any significant muscle is a chore…

Onwards to the purpose of this entry… Who fucking cares how big or tall or short or small someone is? Well, men at least. More so, who cares if you can kick someone’s ass or not? I recently quit my job at a podunky little lumber store and worked with a handful of people that seemed to really find solace in their ass-kicking capabilities when their intellectual prowess took a nose dive. During moments of ‘talking shit’ which everyone does (don’t deny it), too many of these people would interject the desire to physically take someone down…

“Does he realize I’m twice his size? He’s says one more thing to me and I’ll kick his fucking ass…”

“I’ll fucking squash that guy. He’s about your size (referring to me)…”

Just a few lines I’ve heard time to time while working there…

Is violence really the answer in some people’s minds? I mean, sure I’ve had the urge to curb stomp a few people in my life but it was for them doing truly obnoxious and heinous things. The guy they caught on tape during that home invasion recently? That guy needs to be hung by rusty hooks and burned slowly with sulfuric acid. Maybe have his testicles placed in a vice that is rigged to tighten every time he breathes in and out. Too much?

I didn’t just fall off the conservative bandwagon and become some raging free love liberal hippy, but violence truly isn’t the answer for anything… Have we really allowed ourselves to stay on the level of buffaloes in order to get what we want out of life? We as humans are supposed to be intelligent and empathetic beings. In reality we are becoming selfish ape-like offspring that can’t see two feet past our own existence to realize that there’s something bigger than us that we should be living for.

It’s the reason I forgive the guy who robbed me years ago. Whoever that is… He didn’t need to beat the living shit out of me but its all he knew. Even as a criminal he was pretty sad. If he was really good he would have knocked off a bank or something. Given the situation if he was caught he risked attempted murder, assault etc etc… Hell, he could have stepped up his game and done some cyber crimes or something… All he got out of it was my car keys and maybe some coins out of the register. Was it worth it dude?

We as humans are living in a world of entitlements and self-preservation. I think it’s time we start putting this to rest. We are all here to take care of one another and it has nothing to do with money, power or how a person’s size compares to another. It’s something more than that. Love… We’re losing it faster than we realize.

Filter…

I want to write about so many things right now but I can’t really wrap my head around anything concrete. What I did decide to start doing is compiling a lists of things that I can’t live without (comfortably)… Everything else, goes to the donation station… Or sold if I can find the patience to do so. Did I mention I have a boat for sale? Cheap…

New life…

Today is officially the first day again of the rest of my life. I finally moved out of Moses Lake and am in transition to my next stop. California. This is by no means a final chapter of my gypsy living. I want to do it right this time however. I’m going to hold friends more accountable for their friendships and I’m going to be less hesitant to move on from people when they lose sincerity.

For now, I’m going to relax on the boat and not give a care in the world to anything but that which makes me happy… Stay tuned…

Unworthy of mention…

Tonight is the last night I’ll spend in Moses Lake. I’d say its bittersweet but it’s more bitter than anything. I came to accomplish a goal and I did it. I was never expecting anything spectacular from coming here so expectations were never met or shorted. I met some great people, and I met some functional acquaintances.

I’m a little disappointed in myself though. I don’t think I tried hard enough. Sure, I followed the steps to pass classes and flight training but I feel void of potential within myself after this time.

I haven’t had a clear purpose in life for as long as I can remember. I’m not a fan of long term planning and even if I was, the reasons I have for doing what I do is to appease others, not to satisfy myself. Even after finishing here I really don’t know what or why I want to do (anything).

I have a month to decide how I’m going to handle my next move. Here’s to figuring out what the hell my life should be all about…

Take five…

I’ve been slacking off quite a bit at work lately. Not that I don’t care about my job, but because I realize I need to care about me a little more. For too many years I’ve done everything I can to make sure that other people are ‘OK’ with my role in their life. I’ve lost myself all too much and I’ve really got to reclaim something in my life. Regardless of why we are here or where we are going after, we have a life to live right now. Once the sun swells up and swallows the earth’s orbit, none of this will matter in this least bit. What matters is how we spend our time in the state of matter we have found ourselves in. Time to take a break, have a beer and enjoy the opportunity to be a functioning mass of former stardust…

Pearls…

This blog is about one of the most important things in my life. In ’04 I made a decision to change my life. I had enough with myself and I walked into the recruiting station hell-bent on joining the Army. Any job would do and the sooner the better. I wasn’t running from problems, I was running for a future I knew I wanted. Fast forwarding through training, Airborne School and the first deployment to Iraq…
Amongst the cooler stories of being deployed to a combat zone, we found peculiar ways to occupy our time when we could. We didn’t quite have the satellite hookup as we did on my second deployment so we had to deal with thirty minute allowances on the computers to e-mail or whatever. MySpace was just coming to life and social media was about to break-out.
I’m not too ashamed to admit that I spent some time meeting some girls online that I had hopes of meeting when I got back to the states. I even found my basic training buddy’s sister online which evolved into quite a welcome home party when I got back… And then there was Ashley. She lived about an hour or so away from where we were supposed to be stationed when we got back… So the story goes…
The group of guys I was deployed with didn’t get a typical ‘R&R’ period for leave since we were technically there for less than a year. Instead we got to take a four-day pass to Qatar. Pretty cool little peninsula country off Saudi Arabia. One of the richest countries in the world they say. I went with Pedro. He was an eclectic Puerto-Rican guy with an undying love for girls and gold. One of the best guys I’ve ever met in the military and it’s a shame we lost touch. We hooked up with a liaison who worked on base yet had privileges to go out into town. We went Ice-Skating, shopping, touring and ate at some pretty cool places. Late night me and Pedro found ourselves in the Gold Souks deep within downtown Doha. One of the first shops was a dirty little shop with more gold and pearls in it than I had ever seen in my life at one time. Pedro loved gold and wanted to buy his girlfriend (but more so himself) all the gold jewelry he could afford. As he was unsuccessfully negotiating a cash price for a handful of gold rings and necklaces, I picked up a strand of pearls. Black, white and pink all in one necklace. It was the coolest thing I’d seen thus far as far as jewelry is concerned. It was something like $600. I politely pushed it back and tried to help Pedro from losing his ass on the deal. The guy noticed my interest in the pearls and came down in price a few times. $500…$400…$300… I wasn’t biting. With a few sly placements of the pearls in my hands, he asked for an offer. Pedro said ‘Get them for the girl you’re going to meet when we get back to the states’…I said $150… He cocked his head in disagreement and I set them back on the counter. While he went to grab them and put them away he offered $180. Sold.
These events happened in mid-2005. Upon returning home and never meeting Ashley a whirlwind of events took over my life including one more deployment. I still had the pearls from the trip to Qatar and I wasn’t quite ready to let them go… I met a girl who lived a few hours away. It was the first relationship I tried to make happen since screwing up a few before that while I was getting ready to deploy. This girl I met was graduating from college and I felt like I needed to offer her something…. I let her wear the pearls for graduation without ever forgetting that they were not in fact hers. Drama, drama drama… we broke up. She refused to give the pearls back. I didn’t care what she took, but I couldn’t let her keep those. After threatening to tell her family about her days as a stripper she succumbed to my request. Pearls in hand I went on my way…
Years later… I got out of the military, opened a restaurant, sold it, drove trucks, climbed trees, traveled around the US and Ireland (again) and ended up in flight school….
I never stayed out of touch with Ashley. We would play scrabble on a daily basis and occasionally write each other on Facebook or Twitter. She was a part of my life that I will never forget and I felt like I owed her something. My last year of flight school I decided it was time to go see her for the first time. I had some extra cash saved up and a little bit of time to kill. Off to Tennessee I would go… Seven years late…
Some more years later and broken plans about meeting her prior made for awkward expectations for sure. I didn’t care. I had seen plenty of pictures and conversed enough with her to not be nervous that I would be meeting some sixty year old poser wanting a piece of mid-thirties guy’s ass. When I saw her for the first time with my own two eyes, she was quite possibly one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met. The social constructs kept me familiarly awkward, but inside I was in awe. ‘Why did I not do this sooner?’ We spent a good portion of her free weekend exploring the finer aspects of eastern Tennessee while she wasn’t at work.
The last day I was there I asked her to go to lunch one last time before flying out. We sat at Panera Bread and I awkwardly told her that I had something for her. I had been saving it all this time and I felt it was time to let it go. I told her the story of how I got them and pulled out the string of pearls and set them in her hand. Though I noticed the shaking of her hands, I still can’t quite put a finger on what her reaction really was. Surpise? Awe? Fear? Who knows…
After an awkward second trip to see her, I knew that I was either too late for anything to come of it, or we simply didn’t click like the story books would like. I was ok with that after stumbling through my persistence to get one more date with her. She will always be someone special to me and should never second guess the sheer beauty she exudes.
The twist to all of this… that night in Qatar… I bought a second set of pearls. For someone with a name otherwise unknown…