I miss myself

Another night that I have so much on my mind and I hate myself for not having the ability to write what’s on my mind.

I’m in the instrument portion of my flight training. In simple terms, I’m learning to fly an airplane without having to look outside the cockpit. Pretty cool stuff really. My last flight I took off with simulated zero visibility. I couldn’t see out the windows as I accelerated down the runway and took off. From that point on, I wasn’t allowed to look outside until about twenty minutes later when I was supposed to be aligned with the runway preparing to land. It’s not easy by any means, but what I’m learning is a little bit like a dumb hot chick. It’s a lot of fun when you’re in the midst of seeing her tits and trying to get in her pants, yet when the deed is done you realize that the rest of your life needs further stimulation.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I love flying and I don’t regret choosing to do this whole commercial pilot thing. It’s awesome. Truth of the matter is, my life needs something more! As I’ve mentioned before, I want to get back into ballroom dance. Nobody around here seems to have any interest. I want to travel but going alone is so friggin boring. I want to be creating memories right now but all I can seem to create is dreams of a better life.

There’s something seriously wrong right now. I know how to accomplish things and I’m confident that I can do whatever it is I choose to do. I opened a restaurant, jumped out of planes, joined the military, gone to flight school, traveled a lot, loved more than I’ve been loved, experienced pain and guilt of death and even considered easing my pain by pulling the trigger. Even in escaping it all, it wouldn’t be good enough for what I want.

I miss North Carolina. I miss Sarah and Daniel. I miss Ame. I miss Tara. I miss the Dog House Saloon and karaoke on the week nights hoping to get at least an hour of sleep before the next morning. I miss the trips to Ireland with my dad. The Guinness tastes nothing like this crap we have here. I miss Duane, Casey and Clint. The crazy house parties with Hooters girls! I miss Hooters! The restaurant of course. I miss Philpot Lake. Even before the Carolina experience, I miss the life I at least tried to create. Flying to Alaska for the hell of it. The winery tours or even long bike rides to the middle of nowhere. I miss nights out with my sister’s hot friends. I miss my grandparents.

I know for myself that missing the past does nothing for your future. Thing is, I think of how things were and how I can find a way to incubate the same caliber of memories again. Much of it has to do with the company you keep. A bigger part of it has to do with the fire that is lit inside.

Im patiently waiting for something to make me come alive. I tend to try a little too hard with females in my life. I’m being humbled on a regular basis and realizing that no one really cares as much as I would hope they do. I should have listened to my friend Sarah a few weeks ago when she said ‘Dave, if she doesn’t seem interested why are you even trying?’ Is almost like I’m trying to be in control of making something awesome happen. I should have learned by now that if something amazing is supposed to happen, it simply will. Sadly I also have to expect at this point that just because it is amazing doesn’t mean it will last forever. I’ll take that however because the life I’m finding myself living is no where near the satisfaction I get when looking in someone’s eyes even for a second and seeing the world turn upside down.

My lack of patience is killing me right now but I am doing quite well keeping it under control. I need to finish the next handful of months in this flight program. Maybe I need to start looking for a job or place to live. Who knows. I’m not planning ahead in order to avoid distraction. I’m too close to the end to ruin it chasing after something that probably isn’t going to do me any good.

So I drink, and work out and chuckle inside to the general population I’m surrounded by due to their lack of understanding about what this world is really all about. I have faith that I’m on the right track. Maybe I’m wrong, but the lack of excitement in my life could actually be the best thing for me right now.

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