I’m so damn tired right now. I can feel my karma nipping at my heels. What’s next? Luckily I’m in a place I really enjoy and have some more fanning of the flames inside me to do something bigger and better with myself, for others. I would just really like to see some sort of light soon. I’m tired of having to play the games of the people that abuse the power they have over people like me. Just like this damn school financial aid refund… They say now they’ve sent the check out. Sooo, what about the fact that I set up direct deposit for my refunds? I’m sick of these damn people. The damn school isn’t even going to be worth it. My $4000 truck driving school has paid me much bigger dividends than any of this ‘traditional school’ idea seems to. Even if I wanted to do something with my commercial pilot license, I’d be scraping the bottom of the barrel working with idiots and I know me, I’d get sick of it real quick and still have ideas in my head of what I really want to do. Phooey…
So, the school I picked was one of the top five worst decisions I’ve ever made in my life. The reality is, unless you go to school for something very specific like law school, medical school or even a certificate program to be a welder, you are pretty much left to fend for yourself. Public or private or for-profit. Long story short, the school I picked has put me in a monster of a jam because of their inability to coordinate veterans benefits along with excess grants and loans that get paid to me. I got an email stating that the situation was resolved but nothing further. Until the money is in my account I can’t rely on any of their bullshit. Anyways…
This frustration aside, I’m reminded that sub-professional degrees tend to be more of a joke than anything. Yea yea, it’s all about what you put into it and every situation is unique but this is about me right now. Once this period of being lied to passes by, I’m going to try and realign myself with a more meaningful education. For some reason I’ve fooled myself into thinking that I’ll be much better off having a degree behind me to fall back on a reliable career if my entrepreneurial spirit ends up killing itself completely off. I’m also reminded that one of the main motivations for going to school right now is to take advantage of the financial assistance that I earned. When I’m done and have some bullshit degree that I have to figure out how to manipulate with my scattered resume, I’m going to be sitting in the interview chair thinking to myself all the things I’d rather be doing with my life.
For some people, a career track coinciding with an education program is great. Regardless of the school or level of treatment you receive. I think the idea of education at all levels is extraordinarily important. Even from half-ass schools, having accomplished the feat of graduating a prolonged program is nothing to shake a stick at. It’s a sure way to ensure you have plenty more options when it comes to being employable or even having the knowledge to venture out on your own.
A part of me wishes I had a different school experience growing up that made me want to pursue a traditional degree from the start. Actually, I kinda wish I knew about ASU and and the fact that they had an aviation program that the GI Bill paid for along with a four year add on. Oh well… I can always go back to school again and again if I pay out of pocket for it. Stupid me decided to waste valuable benefits on a seemingly fly-by-night school. My real motivation lies in a realm that isn’t reliant on a degree so much anyways. It’s cliche to talk about all the uber successful people without finishing their degrees but theres a little breadth to that argument. I don’t want to be a person that spits in the face of education because I believe it has real value. I’m simply the kind of person that believes that more than just a degree gives a person credibility and the ability to do a ‘job.’ I’m not enticed by being a working professional though that’s ultimately what I’ll probably have to do until I can find an opportunity to do what I really love doing.
Seems that no matter what I try to do or how I try to better myself I run into these damn roadblocks. I’m not the model ‘son’ people think I need to be nor am I a person that doesn’t make bad decisions but I think I keep my nose clean for the most part. I have a desire to command people to do right whenever and wherever they can. I like the idea of true integrity. Doing what you think is right even if no one is watching. It’s something I’ve been striving for lately in my life.
Amongst my trials that keep popping up, I have a desire for a good life. It’s the kind of life that has no regard for how much money one makes, or what kind of car one drives. I don’t have the expectation that everyone will always get along, but I believe in the notion of having true friends and a real support group. I believe in the feeling I was able to experience when I was sitting in my hammock on the bow of my boat. As much as I would have loved to continued to live that kind of stress free life, I made a conscious effort to spin my life up. There’s something bigger and better in store for me if I use my time here wisely. There’s not much I can give to the world by being confined to my own little world as I waste valuable time with the only goal of watching the sun go down with a cold beer in my hand.
We all need that kind of escape now and then. We need to be able to reward ourselves for hard work and determination. Even if the outward facing success isn’t quite there, it’s our right to experience a good life every now and then.
I realized I’m having some very irrational thoughts about how I want to react to some things right now. To say I’ve been ‘screwed’ by people in my life is a bit of a cop-out. Everything that has happened to me is a result of my decisions. Sadly, one of the few people I actually forgive is the guy who robbed me at the pizza parlor many years ago. Anyways, before bringing myself to the reality that what happens to me is actually my own fault, I get the urge to find a way to give people a taste of their own medicine. I’ve written about these people before. Dispatchers. These are the people who are conveniently assigned in roles and positions that afford them way too much power. I will refrain from mentioning names here, but I have many people in my past who have flaunted their delegated authority over me with no regard as to how it affects me.
The particular incident triggering the motivation for tonights post has to do with financial aid personnel at schools. Having the benefit of the GI Bill is great, until you have some ignorant-ass bitch talking to me as if I’m asking to behead her first-born child. I had to dumb the question waay down for her. “When do I get my money?” Her answer was just short of telling me that the process is going to take a round-trip tour around Africa and through the streets of London and filtered through a vat of fry grease at the local Krusty Burger.
I am just waiting for the words to come out of her mouth about how I’m getting a ‘free’ education from the military. Say it, Bitch… I dare you…
I hate money. I really do. I hate what it does to people and how it tears people apart. A reoccurring thought I’ve been having lately came to me again tonight driving home from work. A fun as it would be to live a life as a free range hippy and experience free love and communal living, it’s just not in the cards for me. Not yet at least. The world we live in is driven by money. Money in this definition of mine is the idea of financial and material wealth. It also means leverage to attain certain social status allowing influence of others to be a part of everyday life.
To make a change in the ranks of an organization one would typically join the organization and learn the mechanics of it before even drawing conclusions on how to do it. In fact tonight I was talking to a co-worker about managers that get hired without first working within the company. Typically their views are skewed and the expectations are a little out of hand at times. The idea of promoting within, in any company or organization, seems to be the more functional and acceptable way to maintain integrity.
To make a change in society, (at least in certain realms) you must become one of it. It’s the basic idea of say, city council members. They are voted in typically because they are active and understanding people of a community. I shouldn’t have to say that it becomes too easy for people in positions of this sort of power to take it too far. It may not be fair to say that council members of a small community are corrupt, but more so the people of larger ones. And positions of governance above and beyond the aforementioned title seem to garner temptations of greed and power to a level that society is struggling with right now.
What we need to make meaningful changes in our world is to find people that can be put in positions of power and governance without ever assuming they are above anyone at all. One of my favorite bosses a long time ago at a country club I worked at said to a group of us one day, “if you need anything at all, even to have dishes washed let me know. I’m not above doing anything because our goal here is to serve the members, not feed my ego.” That idea has stuck with me ever since. I can’t think of a more practical and motivating way to lead than having that kind of mentality.
I’m still trying to piece together exactly what I want to be doing with myself, though I have a pretty good idea. No matter how far I’m able to go, I want to take with me the idea that I can’t make a change in the world I know of (however small that change is) by trying to fight compliance of expectations of the status quo. It’s a bit conflicting to say that, but becoming immersed in the life we wish to change is the first step. The second step is busting all preconceptions about how it all should be done. Of course no one is going to listen to a guy like me in a position I am right now. I have to find a way to get to a more influential position before doing what I hope to do.
I want to build a city with real neighborhoods in it. A real master plan with a real vision for a community. I want to promote growth through hard work and welfare for the truly needy. I want to show others that a community of people can be self sustaining without creating divisions that we are all too familiar with. Where can I go to do this? And who wants to go in on it?
I just realized as I was trying to think of a blog post (and I have no good ideas for the night), is that I live and work now in ‘pods’ of sorts. Maybe we all do really. I park my car in a garage structure at my apartment complex. I then park my car in a garage structure at work. The school I go to has structured parking I think, and there are a few places that I’ve been enjoying the night life that have parking structures as well… There’s something to be said about human interaction when it comes to this concept. I wonder how many perfectly dateable women I pass on the freeway when I go to work, or even on my way to the store. Maybe I pass someone who I’m supposed to meet in my life and I never do. Maybe my life would be completely changed if I took one wrong turn at any given time. All I know is that the more I become accustomed to the ‘pods’ in which I live my life, the more I become oblivious to things all around me.
Seems we all live in our little structured life, as much as we may not like it at times. We stick with it because it’s comfortable. It’s safe. We learn the traffic along the way and know how to navigate.
So what happens when we allow ourselves to be pulled aside and shown a new way of thinking. Can we even accept it? Do we even realize that there is more to life than the path we hold so near and dear to our hearts?
Im really slacking lately on these blog posts… I think it’s a good thing though. I’m finally seeing some direction in my life that makes sense. Nothing glamorous by any means but life is good.
My lack of writing is not for lack of things going on in my life though. The comman-man tasks such as furnishing my apartment, buying a new car, beginning school, getting back into a work schedule have all been on the forefront of something more meaningful for me. To understand the life in which I am lost in, I feel like I need to get back on my own two feet. It’s a fine line because it seems my karma is always nipping at my heels and all it’ll take is one phone call, or one facebook status update and my world may come crashing to a halt.
There is something I feel I need to share but I have no idea what it is yet. Hopefully I can get enough people to stick around to see what it is when I figure it all out.
For the first time in… Jeez, I can’t remember, I took a dance class again! It was a real basic beginner class on salsa, which is good because the thousands of dollars I spent years ago on dance lessons didn’t do crap for helping me retain any knowledge of the matter. It was a decent night of re-learning basic steps and allowing myself to begin letting loose in seemingly awkward social situations.
I’m a little conflicted on the particular studio however. Nice people, tons of stuff going on and obviously very talented dancers instructing as well as teaching. If there’s one thing I learned in my scattered career of dancing is that the relationship between the dancer and a studio is like finding the right lover. There is a chemistry behind the decision to keep going back. I’ve been to studios and dances where I felt like staying up all night practicing footwork or style from the night’s lessons. It’s not even always about the people you dance with.
The instructor for the class was great. He made everything very easy to understand and took us along in baby steps. Along with a little standard mixing of students, it made for a comfortable night meeting new people. At the end of the class, I felt a bit dirty. Like I paid my ten dollars to get on an amusement park ride and once it was done it was ‘exit stage right’ and then I was left wandering into the abyss. Or like paying for a date only to be bluntly informed that the farthest I will get is the ‘friend zone.’ My progressively informal training will keep me from getting too critical here.
My motivation lies in taking advantage of the plethora of dance resources here in Southern California and maybe find a place that I fall in love with. Maybe not, but I’ll keep my eyes open. My semi-ultimate goal with dancing is to simply find someone else to dance with. Not just anyone. Someone who just like the studio, I want to keep coming back to. Someone that I feel comfortable pulling back in when they go too far astray. Someone that truly understands what it means to save the last dance for someone.
I still believe in the unspoken power of dance. I hope to one day experience in full instead of just talking about it. And until then, I’ll dig up some el-cheapo group classes and meet some new studios and the people that frequent the floors. Maybe a spark will ignite something undiscovered.
I love dreaming. Literally and figuratively, but more so literally right now. I went to bed last night with the goal of clearing my mind and trying to begin figuring out what I should focus on. I will sometimes refer myself to dreams I have to look for clues as to what I really want to do.
So, somewhere in the middle of the night last night I was playing soccer at a semi-familiar field. There was amphitheater style seating with a ton of people watching us play. I remember bright vivid colors like the amazingly green grass that I can still smell right now. It was a scene like a Friday night high school football game. I was pushed into the game and ended up kicking a goal. Another player handed me a saxophone to ‘celebrate’ the point made. Maybe it was actually for wining the game…
I haven’t played a saxophone since fifth grade and I told the guy this so he said, ‘just play one note on my cue’. I think he was playing the guitar and he looked at me and the craziest feeling came over me. It came back to me instantly. I started out playing one simple note complimenting whatever it was he was playing. When he came to a break, I played quite a bit more of a chorus line. Everything felt natural. Like I was meant to be doing it all along. The rest of dream pretty much consisted of me feeling like a totally new person as I sat in the stands.
Back to reality, I woke up. The football game was probably prompted by the game of foosball that was being played a few nights ago at the bar. The saxophone idea probably stems from my desire to be in a bit more of a loungy-classical scene. The aspect of an audience comes from my deep desire to be able to perform for people. At least those are my assumptions. Maybe some psychologist would say I have some repressed sexual disfunction causing me to lash out against the irrational viewpoint I have of the world I know of. Either way, it’s nice to have some altered reality once in a while.
Though this particular dream means nothing at this point, I can’t discount my minds effort to purge this sort of thing out.
My goal in life isn’t to simply make money and live an easy life. There’s something I’m meant to be good at, and it simply takes one person to hand me the saxophone and say ‘play this and everything will come together.’ What I do will not be unique, but will compliment and enhance something for the greater good. Somewhere the stage is set for all of us, we just have to let go of what we are afraid of and give it what we got. It’s entirely too true that none of us will get out alive, so what’s the point in taking life too seriously?