Nor-fuckin-mal…

My moral compass has been out of order for quite some time. I think the only thing keeping me from going down a truly horrible path is my blind faith that there is a reason I should try to be good at some level. Let me tell you, it’s no god damned walk in the park.

It seems that there is a monster at my back, breathing ever so lightly on my neck whispering in my ear “just let it happen…” When it’s all said and done I can’t quite come to terms with something that should be so wrong, feels so right. In a twisted way, I think my acceptance of these facts and my openness to damn near anything you can throw at me is what scares people away. And my silence doesn’t seem to help my cause either.

I’m scared right now. This is a fairly dry chapter in my life and I feel it must change. I don’t know how or when I can make that happen. Instead of having that ominous creature known as ‘life’ at my back all the time, I would really like to turn around, grab it by it’s throat and fuck the dog-shit out of it. If I do this however, I’m pretty confident that there isn’t going to be anyone standing by my side, let alone anyone be OK with it in general. I must take baby steps. Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

We aren’t here for long so we may as well have some compassion for those around us and not ignore what we know to be true in our hearts. For some, we just want to be really fucking good at our trade or maybe simply be a good person for family. Maybe some people want to live a more reserved life while someone else wants to snort cocaine off a hooker’s ass. Either way, why don’t we all just do it and not worry about the end state. There will be people who are not OK with any of your choices. In fact there will be people unhappy with your choices in life simply for the fact that they are your choices and not theirs.

I don’t quite know how to responsibly break out of my normal-ness right now and still maintain what little credibility I’ve managed to restore. Maybe I’ll just sit quietly and see who comes around. I’m tired of trying to be the one who comes around for others when all they really want is… Normal…

Cosmopolitan Dating…

I recently met a girl… Oh god, another blog on the internet about dating and experiences that no one else really cares about right? Well, I wanted to write about a concept that I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks.

“Does she like me?” “Is he stable?” “Does she shave?” “Does he love his mom?”

Typical questions we may ask ourselves in the initial process of getting to know someone. The rush of uncertainty within the first stages can be fun and aggravating all at the same time. Why do we do it? I call it Cosmopolitan Dating.

In current times we have social media to help carry us through those ‘oh-so-tough’ personal situations. Motivational memes that tell us to be strong or that being single is the best thing ever or that we are meant for greater things…. Yawn…

My first handful of dates with this girl were great! Really. For me at least. I really liked this one. She was a sight for my sore eyes. She had a slight bitchiness that went along great with her apparent passion to enjoy life however she could. I wanted to do everything right just in case this was one of those elusive unicorns that we all hear about.

Weeks later, I still got excited to see her. Sweaty palms and all. I was excited to see a text from her at any random time. Problem was, each subsequent date felt like the first date over and over again. A connection I was yearning for still seemed like it was dependent on how each first date went. I would talk with friends about it and a common piece of advice was to play a game of sorts. “Make yourself unavailable” or “Ignore her for a while”, “make her feel envy”… Sorry, but I’m not a game player like that and even if I was, why the fuck would I want to pursue someone who I have to play those games with?

Before social media, we relied on these magazines that guided us with articles about sex, dating, being single, being a player… and so on. Why do we have to conform to those standards? Is it because some angsty journalist had some bad experiences yet can write really really well so we take what they say as gold? That’s my guess. It’s probably from decades of Dear Abbeys as well.

Dating should be about doing what YOU feel is right. Not what someone else pushes on you as the way things are supposed to be. As soon as I realized that the only feasible way to ‘maybe’ get anywhere with this girl was to play this game, I shut myself off. I got the hint… whatever that means.

I’m 35 and I can reliably say that I don’t need newsstand advice on how I should feel about pursuing a relationship with someone else. It truly should be ‘Fuck Yes’ or ‘Fuck No’… (google it) This in-between shit isn’t worth it.  

Deadline…

Whatever is good for your soul… Do that.

I subscribe to a Facebook page called Lessons Learned in Life. The quote came from a posting today with no further credit so consider the source cited…

My life is like a freshly wiped chalkboard right now. Remnants of my past are still there but I am fortunate enough to be at a crossroads of unlimited options right now. As I was driving to get my morning coffee from the most amazing little coffee stand this morning (no, it’s not the topless ones), I got lost in the moment. I forgot where I was going and for once I was able to enjoy it! As I came to, the hamster started again and coffee was on my mind. At the stoplight which ultimately brought me out of the haze, I looked down at my phone and saw this quote/picture… Funny how things like that come to light…

Right now I’m not unhappy, nor am I happy. That’s a good thing though. I’ve got a commercial pilot license, a commercial driver license, military experience, business owning experience, love experience, hurt experience and an undying desire to try something new. I’m brought back to the want of someone special by my side but quickly remember the struggle that has always come with it. If someone has the fortitude to live by my side I really just want to ‘be’ alive. Being alive however does not mean living less than something totally amazing…

I have about two weeks to decide what I’m going to do. This timeline isn’t for anything but my personal deadline. This is my time to relax and not let the world consume me as it has for too many years. Nothing I do from now on shall be from desperation and everything I do shall be for one hell of a story to tell when I’m finally ready to succumb to time…

Act your status

I had a small bit of conversation with someone at work today that got some wheels turning about something that I find very important in my life. It appears to me that too many single people act… Single… Of course specific activity varies with age and maturity but the fundamentals are generally the same. I mean, it’s nice to have ‘freedom’ in my life but I don’t take advantage of it. Some people love to become absolute whores when they are single. Successful or not, a large number of people live for the attention of other people. The acceptance of another person (more so in this context of the opposite sex), seems to be a priority. Maybe they’re out to impress their friends with their swagger, or whatever it’s called now. Ego trip maybe? It’s whatever. The sad part, everything changes when they fall in love.

On the flip side to that, people that are in relationships act like they are not single. Key point is that they don’t act like they are in relationships. I know I’m over thinking this but I believe there is some merit to what I’m saying. Seems that a lot of guys I know don’t act like they are in relationships. What they do is live in a way that makes them not single. I should say I know of several ladies that do this too. I had a friend that is no longer a friend simply because her friendship with me causes too many problems with her prospects. It’s stupid, and ultimately I don’t care. I’m pretty good at moving on. The reason it’s important to me is because it happens time and time again.

I can barely understand what I’m saying here as I re-read this. I could edit my format to make it more understandable but this is my blog and I can write how I want. It’s a reflection of the apparent mess that is in my head about things.

Anyways, maybe this will help me explain what I’m trying to say; currently I’m single. I don’t act ‘overly single’ and what I choose to do in my life has a method. I don’t ‘party’ or sleep around. I don’t put on a facade for people. Well, maybe a bit. I’ll be nice to your face because if there’s a chance i’ll have to do life business with you again I want to avoid confrontation. I don’t like drama. I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone. I’m an open book for someone that really cares. I’ll tell no lies but I also don’t self-incriminate. More importantly, I live a life that I don’t feel I have to change (much) if I end up being with someone. And if someone doesn’t like me for my past, then they can eat me.

After all that, my point is that if you are going to have convictions about the way you want to live your life, figure out what they are and live by them. Regardless. Learn how to say no as well as yes at the right time. I’d like to fill in this spot with all kinds of cute cliche sayings about staying true to yourself. I’ll spare you that. I guess if you are going to live your life with someone else, do it the way it was meant to be. Don’t half-ass it. It’s not fair to anyone else. Let someone love you for who you really are, not who you aren’t because it makes the relationship work. Make sense?