Nor-fuckin-mal…

My moral compass has been out of order for quite some time. I think the only thing keeping me from going down a truly horrible path is my blind faith that there is a reason I should try to be good at some level. Let me tell you, it’s no god damned walk in the park.

It seems that there is a monster at my back, breathing ever so lightly on my neck whispering in my ear “just let it happen…” When it’s all said and done I can’t quite come to terms with something that should be so wrong, feels so right. In a twisted way, I think my acceptance of these facts and my openness to damn near anything you can throw at me is what scares people away. And my silence doesn’t seem to help my cause either.

I’m scared right now. This is a fairly dry chapter in my life and I feel it must change. I don’t know how or when I can make that happen. Instead of having that ominous creature known as ‘life’ at my back all the time, I would really like to turn around, grab it by it’s throat and fuck the dog-shit out of it. If I do this however, I’m pretty confident that there isn’t going to be anyone standing by my side, let alone anyone be OK with it in general. I must take baby steps. Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

We aren’t here for long so we may as well have some compassion for those around us and not ignore what we know to be true in our hearts. For some, we just want to be really fucking good at our trade or maybe simply be a good person for family. Maybe some people want to live a more reserved life while someone else wants to snort cocaine off a hooker’s ass. Either way, why don’t we all just do it and not worry about the end state. There will be people who are not OK with any of your choices. In fact there will be people unhappy with your choices in life simply for the fact that they are your choices and not theirs.

I don’t quite know how to responsibly break out of my normal-ness right now and still maintain what little credibility I’ve managed to restore. Maybe I’ll just sit quietly and see who comes around. I’m tired of trying to be the one who comes around for others when all they really want is… Normal…

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Cosmopolitan Dating…

I recently met a girl… Oh god, another blog on the internet about dating and experiences that no one else really cares about right? Well, I wanted to write about a concept that I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks.

“Does she like me?” “Is he stable?” “Does she shave?” “Does he love his mom?”

Typical questions we may ask ourselves in the initial process of getting to know someone. The rush of uncertainty within the first stages can be fun and aggravating all at the same time. Why do we do it? I call it Cosmopolitan Dating.

In current times we have social media to help carry us through those ‘oh-so-tough’ personal situations. Motivational memes that tell us to be strong or that being single is the best thing ever or that we are meant for greater things…. Yawn…

My first handful of dates with this girl were great! Really. For me at least. I really liked this one. She was a sight for my sore eyes. She had a slight bitchiness that went along great with her apparent passion to enjoy life however she could. I wanted to do everything right just in case this was one of those elusive unicorns that we all hear about.

Weeks later, I still got excited to see her. Sweaty palms and all. I was excited to see a text from her at any random time. Problem was, each subsequent date felt like the first date over and over again. A connection I was yearning for still seemed like it was dependent on how each first date went. I would talk with friends about it and a common piece of advice was to play a game of sorts. “Make yourself unavailable” or “Ignore her for a while”, “make her feel envy”… Sorry, but I’m not a game player like that and even if I was, why the fuck would I want to pursue someone who I have to play those games with?

Before social media, we relied on these magazines that guided us with articles about sex, dating, being single, being a player… and so on. Why do we have to conform to those standards? Is it because some angsty journalist had some bad experiences yet can write really really well so we take what they say as gold? That’s my guess. It’s probably from decades of Dear Abbeys as well.

Dating should be about doing what YOU feel is right. Not what someone else pushes on you as the way things are supposed to be. As soon as I realized that the only feasible way to ‘maybe’ get anywhere with this girl was to play this game, I shut myself off. I got the hint… whatever that means.

I’m 35 and I can reliably say that I don’t need newsstand advice on how I should feel about pursuing a relationship with someone else. It truly should be ‘Fuck Yes’ or ‘Fuck No’… (google it) This in-between shit isn’t worth it.  

Fuck Yes…

There is an amazing article I read… Thank you Facebook Sharing.

Fuck Yes, or No By Mark Manson.

Pure genius. Not because it’s revolutionary, but because it’s what has always been true. It’s slightly juvenile in the sense that it is aimed at relationships and the courting process, but still holds more weight than many other things… I’ve thought about this article quite a bit lately.

As much as I would like to say I’m motivated to have a relationship, I find that most of the time I’m in a state of ‘Meh’… I used to think that something was wrong with me when I couldn’t quite figure out what someone else was thinking or feeling. Hence, I turned to straight sex in my past. Now, I turn to plain old ‘ignore-ance.’

For whatever issues I’ve been raised with, this spills over into so many other areas of my life. Jobs, goals, family, … even cars. I go so far and soon realize “This isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing”… and if I catch myself in time, I’ll escape and move along.

This idea of ‘Fuck Yes or No’ is something that I wish more people could understand.

Why on earth should it be ok to pursue something that doesn’t pursue you? I’m not religious in the traditional sense, but I tend to have faith in whatever happens, happens. Truth is, it’s worked out pretty damn well. I still get hurt feelings and my pride gets roughed up a bit but ya know what? Who the fuck cares? If I was able to go back in time and tell myself ten years ago that I would have done everything I did, I’d call bullshit. And if I wouldn’t believe it, how the hell do I expect anyone else to believe that I could do it all over again? And who has the balls to stick around while it happens?

A spin out changed it all…

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of giving up. As I stood in the kitchen of my restaurant a few years back, I gave up. I allowed myself to feel exactly what I wanted to feel for so long. All it would take is a pull of the trigger and I could move on. It wasn’t for guilt. It wasn’t for anyone else. It was for me.

It was quite a change from the moments I had when I would close the place up at night, turn on all the neon and mow down a bowl of in-fuckin-credible ice cream. It all started because of someone who was put in my life that I can’t quite come to terms with being OK with.

It was a snowy drive from the Tri-Cities to Spokane one night and out of the blue, a car spun out in front of me. Little did I know, that the person in that car would be the one to point me in the right direction… I never said being pointed in the right direction was a fun ride.

A handful of months later she would clean me out of everything I owned. All I had left was some clothes and a toolbox that she forgot to grab out of the outside storage closet.

A day or so later I let myself go… To the recruiter. I had no one to stop me and I had no clue if I’d make it out alive. I never would have suspected it would be a guilt trip turn suicidal thought that would put a stop to all of it. War, women, booze, shitty tattoos and a Harley Davidson was all I had to show in the end. What I didn’t show was everything that was bottled up inside me.

I keep trying to come to terms with what I really need. It’s time for me to get up, brush off the bullshit excuses I’ve given myself for being so stagnant and move along.

I’m starting to see myself in other people. I see who I was at one point in my life and it pains me to be unable to help them make a change. There’s a little more I’ve got to do before I pull the trigger once again. This time, it won’t be the same trigger I wanted to pull before.

Hindsight…

We’ve all had those moments where we think back and wish we would have done something a little bit different right? The things I really wish I could have done differently have to do with friendships and relationships. Career stuff is, meh… I’m content with my choices in that arena, but when it comes to people in my past I wish  I would have been able to grasp onto things that I was ignorant to.

I think these things because I’m single… and unaware that I’m looking for something to fill a void in my life. Then I realize that something better must be coming along that will make me realize why everything in the past didn’t work the way I wanted it to.

Isn’t that some sort of Facebook or Pinterest motivational thing?

Merry kissmyass…

I really do like the holidays. Really. But every year that I spend the way I do, the more I appreciate the fact that Christmas should be less about things and more about the finer things in life. Seems that everyone always has somewhere to go or something to do. Even when they go to do the things they are rushing to go do, people seem to be in a hurry to be somewhere else. You go to work, wanting to go home… You are at home, living around the schedule to go back to work. Haircuts, oil changes shopping, doctor visits, lunch meetings… Need I go on?

Christmas in Southern California is awesome! It’s almost eighty degrees out and there’s still plenty to keep a perpetually single guy occupied. Thing is, being in a place like this makes me want to spend Christmas in a small town with people that truly appreciate the holidays for their own special reason.

It doesn’t have to be for religious meanings nor does it have to be for anti-religious purposes. The holiday season should be a time to come together as families, friends and communities to let bygones be bygones… Not simply a temporary hold on the conflicts we live with throughout the year. It most definitely shouldn’t be about the commercialism of it.

I’m enjoying a Christmas looking out for myself once again. I’m happy… no matter how much guilt is laid on me by people who think I shouldn’t live this way. Off to bed for now for an early morning at work…

Don’t be a douche…

Karma will inevitably come back to you. I’m living proof of that. Though I’ve been living for myself in a little different manner lately, I’ve had my fair share of nefarious activities in the past that have come back to haunt me in more ways than one.

I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number of douche-bags I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with in my life. With the shit I’ve put up with and experiences I’ve had, I can take quite an objective look at things now. Especially when it comes to watching some of these idiots from my own gender act the way they do in front of women. I’d love to make an example out of one of my recent experiences with one of the douche-clan members but I’ll afford karma a bit more time to do her thing.

There’s a little thing called ‘bird dogging’ that a lot of these young’ns don’t understand. It’s not just about women either. It can be from many avenues of life. Salesmen, Drivers, Friends, Family, Military, Nature… Someone will almost always be available to come in and take advantage of your situation when you let your guard down. It’s also part of the Bro Code. Not the ‘How I met Your Mother’ version, but the real, no shit, die for your brother kind of version.

Now this concept of Bird Dogging can apply to either sex and really any individual that has something someone else wants and has started working for. You can’t win against a Bird Dogger. All you can really do is cock your head to the side like a confused puppy, drop the mic, turn around and start over again. If you try to call someone out as they are bird dogging, they’re already prepared with a rebuttal that’ll make you look like an idiot. “What are you talkin’ about man? I’m just sittin’ here chillin’…” You look like the neurotic one at that point.

Ever worked in sales? Same thing. I worked with a bonified snake quite a few years ago selling cell phones. It’s a lucrative business and commissions were outrageous. We could make ten grand a month if we were good enough. This snake used to literally wait until I turned around for a second then he would find a way to talk to potential buyers. He’d posture himself where the other salespeople would look like the uninformed newbies and the customer would end up buying from him. He’d take the sale of course. His karma came way later but what made it worse is that the customers he sold to, he lied to. So most of the time when he was snaking a sale, one of his prior customers would come in wanting answers. Being in a sales AND customer service position, the rest of us were left handling his shit work without getting paid more than a base salary (beans compared to the commissions).

More importantly, the game of courting a person of interest is where Bird Dogging really shines. You know, the time you have a few friends over and you invite someone you’re interested in. You literally do something so simple as using the restroom and your ‘buddies’ have already started taking their positions with the target. They carefully watch your every move and as soon as you may be at risk of being put in the dreaded friend zone, they kick up the charm and divert any chance of affection away from you and on to something else.

Now, for a handful of little pukes that I’ve dealt with in the past, they think it’s all about getting some ass, or not. It’s really not, in my book at least. Sometimes mature people understand that things need to be cultivated and nourished. Not for the potential of plowing that specific field per say, but to refine a reputation and character that other people will take notice to. It’s almost like a cartoon skit from the eighties. You get a lot of people out there that want to pick up where they think others should leave off.

I see this in business as well. I was never really at risk of someone actually ‘taking’ my business from me, but the attitude was there. People think they are entitled to things when they really have no concept of what it takes to really build something. I worked my skin to the bones building my restaurant. (read past blogs to understand what kind of undertaking that was). A year or so after it was open I had a little twit working for me. She worked maybe ten hours a week. I fired her because I found her journal underneath the cash register. Realizing that she left in a spot where she should have been working, I took the liberty to read what was being written. (If it was in the back with personal  items, it’d be a different story). Of all the shit she was talking about me in there, she wrote about how the business wouldn’t survive without her and that she’d take over one day and it would be hers…. People really think this way! She was a part time kid and was obviously blind to the realization that a business just isn’t ‘there’ one day. Sadly, the hard work and effort that people think they put in, isn’t really anything to be proud of. Imagine giving full control of a company to a snot nosed twerp that always says “I can run this place a million times better than these people can…”  Right…

This is an important concept about consideration that people should pay a little more attention to. People will stand by ready to jump on the gravy train as soon as it starts rolling. They’ll then be able to jump off whenever they please with no liability for their actions. It’s no wonder that people with money don’t want to share what they have. There’s a odd mention of this in the military. “How can we trust our brothers to our left and our right with our life, but we couldn’t trust them a second with our wife?…”

Don’t be a bird dogger.

Curtained…

I was completely utterly lost today in a realm I thought I could understand. I decided one of my priorities before giving up my air mattress and the lack of any functional furniture would be to get curtains for my bedroom. A downfall of my apartment in this complex is that it faces a pretty busy street and is a few hundred feet from interstate five. (It’s not as ghetto as I might be making it sound). Since the sound is slightly more than the kind of white noise that I actually like, I decided to look for a deal on some cheapy curtains. I actually scored a pretty nice set that was on clearance at my oh-so-favorite home accessory store, Bed Bath and Beyond. Unfortunately I am stuck on a tight budget for a short while so I actually had to give my self pep-talks to get past the kitchenwares and even the bedding sections.

What was really weird is when I got to the window covering area. What. The. Hell? I realized I need at least a part time girlfriend for these occasions. I’m usually pretty savvy with basic design functions and what not, but this is the first time in my life I actually had to pick out curtains. I wanted to drop to my knees and bury my face in the displays and start crying for help.

After several rounds through and around the aisles, I dove in. It was like trying to pick up a hot dog that you dropped into the campfire. Not sure why you’d really feel the need to save a hotdog after dropping it in the campfire, but the essence of what I was doing was there. After wincing a few times, and biting my nails as I hesitated to grab a style of curtain rod I felt amazingly relieved. I can do this! I don’t need a girlfriend to help me with this stuff.

But, I realized something… If I find someone who wants to get married, could we work all the way up to the ceremony and when the gifts are on the table we call it off and split the gifts? What is the rule on that?

Temporary life of mine…

One of my favorite things to do when I was a kid was to build stuff. It could be out of mud, Legos, paper or whatever. What I liked more than that was sharing it with others. Maybe it was a cool ramp to jump my bike on… Maybe it was a bed sheet fort. It was something I’m not going to say I totally understood at that time, but I knew who I was and what I wanted out of my life, as juvenile as it was.

When I was plucked out of the life I knew of and moved to Washington, I never really felt the same. I always felt like wherever I was, was never more than a temporary place until I got back to where I needed to be. I found myself moving from friend to friend, then after high school I moved from place to place just to satisfy an urge I never quite understood. Before the military, I did nothing more than play hopscotch from town to town.

As I signed up for the military, I understood from day one that it was a temporary thing for my life. It would be the next stepping stone. A life was created, then for reasons I now understand, I was plucked away from it to try and begin a life in Washington. Problem is, it was never where I wanted to be.

The last few years I’ve settled some business that has been tugging at my heels. The blowout with my family, the acceptance of throwing in the towel to my business, purging my storage of ‘stuff’, and even a trip or two to Tennessee cleared my mind of ‘coulda woulda shouldas’…

Tomorrow morning I get the keys to my new place in California. The rent is obnoxious, the cities are crowded and the government shut down may make for an interesting ride as I’m supposed to start school on the GI Bill’s dime. These things don’t matter to me though.

The journey I’ve been on for the last many years has kinda been like a high school social. I’ve stepped into situations only to quickly realize I’m not part of the crowd of sorts. Relationships and potential relationships took their turn on me. Though at times I felt like tucking my tail between my legs and pouting my way to the door, I now stand with my head a little bit taller because I realize my worth even if others have no need for it. Same thing with jobs and places I’ve lived. I never felt like I was where I was supposed to be.

I’m starting a new non-temporary life. It’s just me, my car, a small truckload of stuff and some money in the bank. The argument I seem to get is that the area I chose to move won’t be that great after a while. Fine… So there’s a possibility I may not like it. I can move pretty darn easy. Truth of the matter is, I’m fully aware of who has been there for me without pushing me into feelings of guilt or shame for choices I’ve made in my life.

As nice as it would be to say I’ve washed my hands clean of my past, I know it won’t be that cut and dry. If I meet someone that wants to be in my life and deserves my attention then she will know that at least at this point, there is no ulterior motive except the little fire inside me that wants to build something again, and share it with someone that truly appreciates it. There’s a handful of people that I miss in my life but I’m beyond losing sleep over it.

This is my time to sink or swim for myself. Tonight is the last night of my past and tomorrow morning is the first day of the rest of my life… Again…

The One…

I have a not-so-secret affinity for stellar baristas. Not so much into the risqué bikini/naked baristas though. Though I work for Starbucks (twice now), I have yet to find a better barista than all the girls at Cutters Point in good ol’ Port Orchard. Initially I went because the girls were cute and the drinks were made to be amazing… To this day I still go because the girls are cute and the drinks are amazing, but I have continued to go because the service is more than I’ve ever expected out of anyone. They treat me better than past girlfriends have. It’s cool as hell that I can be gone for nine months or more and when I come back into town, they not only still know me by name, they know my drink to a tee.

 

So that’s the skinny on my love affair with my coffee girls.

 

The last time I went through, one of the girls (name withheld) asked what I was up to, blah blah blah… I told her about moving to California. Nothing more than simple conversation about how the weather is better and there’s more to do… As I got ready to leave she said to me “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” It was spoken in a tone that I would expect from a heartbroken friend or lover that has more than a simple opinion about my life choices. That moment has stuck with me and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

 

Last night I was pleasantly surprised to hear from someone in my past. This is a person much more familiar with me than the coffee girl yet provoked something in me that I haven’t given enough attention to. She also offered condolences saying ‘Good luck’ in regards to finding what I am looking for. It’s a curious thing that I’m looking for though.

 

Won’t lie, I’d love to find ‘the one’ for me. But I’m over that notion for now. I’ve tried in my own special way to express interest in creating something more with plenty of girls. Just as I have certain things I’m looking for, I understand others have expectations and desires that I simply don’t fit into. Trying to figure it all out gets old. So I’ve given up on trying to find something meaningful with someone else.

 

What I’m looking for is really something that no one else really gives a shit about. It’s all about me. So much to the point that as I write this, I wonder why I even share it. A cynical twist I know but maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m waiting in the lounge at the trucking terminal to finish my last load. The load ass pigs aren’t getting my creative juices flowing to share something a little more meaningful… I’ll write more from the road… Just a few more days and my life starts… again…