The first time I ever saw a Guido it was like seeing an Emperor Penguin in the wild for the first time in real-life. I heard all kinds of stories about them and the Guido lifestyle was explained very carefully to me. The greased hair, flashy jewelry and side-cocked hat with a horrible orange tan was unmistakable. I never really had any sort of conversation with one but overhearing them speak was like listening to a child have a conversation with a stuffed animal. Except children have more intellectual conversation…
When ‘douche’ comes to mind I get an image of a Guido. You know, the ‘situation’ or whatever his name was. Snooki’s type. A train wreck that as humorous as they are you can’t help but admire the stupidity. Lately I’ve been around a whole other breed of douchers who quite honestly aren’t really even good at being a good douche. With a little motivation from some co-workers I’m going to attempt to write a little list of douche-types. Keeping in mind that any of these could have a novel written on the type so this is just a tired rendition of mine… And the premise of these judgments are aimed at the courting activities that we humans do.
Either it’s a guy who is really in shape or a fat guy who is in denial that his fat is in fact not muscle. These are the guys who in the gym workout for the mirror. Seemingly nice guys yet self centered are easy to see right through. It’s like watching one of those lizards with the big spiky collar puff up. When a female comes around they shift into overdrive almost immediately and methodically find ways to bird-dog their gym buddies and pull a Will Ferrell trying to show off the eighty pound dumbbell that they lift oh-so-easily. Outside the gym they’ll wear hand-me-down clothes from goodwill that are a size or two too small to make it look like their gains are larger than reality.
The Obnoxiously Nice Guy
These are the ones that are super-duper nice to your face. Well spoken at first, puffing up their chests and focusing on posture. They dazzle you with their bullshit and make you initially give a slight shrug of the shoulder saying to yourself ‘meh, he’s a pretty decent guy…’ He knows this and will use it to his advantage. Just like the stereotypical beauty queens who think that ‘kids can’t read a map because Iraq has a starving Africa problem’, the nice guy douche has the depth of a half drained kiddie pool. After getting to know this species of douche, you realize that the condescending attitude is really fucking irritating and the apparent attractiveness is fleeting. He can be handled in doses and should not be relied upon to perform in any aspect for any reasonable period of time.
This is the kind of guy I wrote about in ‘StupidBitch‘ This guy needs to get gang raped by angry orangutans. Really, he doesn’t even qualify on the level of ‘douche’, he is in a category all his own. They’re out there. Ladies beware.
The Bandwagon Douche
A recent trend I’ve noticed when I go to the local watering hole is the parade of douchers. You see one walk in and then an entire entourage follows with similar dress and personality traits. Either puffed up chests, designer jeans that are way too long or popped collar polos are usually the initial marker for these kinds. On further study you realize that they are one turrets outburst away from having a circle jerk with their friends because they are like horny dogs when a good looking girl walks in. Usually one of the group gets the hot girl while the others are like the hyenas in the Lion King when Simba gets lost. I sort of feel sorry for the women who fall victim to these idiots. They have no concept of ‘divide and conquer’. Instead they go for shock and…. awe?
Cool car right? Did you have to call mom from the dealership to have her co-sign for that car? Or is it even in your name? Now there’s nothing wrong with having someone help you out when you’re trying to get established in life. We’ve all been there. As well, everyone has their own story to tell and every case is different but the particular kind of douche-species here puts on a front. His whole life is cosigned. He won’t tell you about it either. He has personal issues that he can’t deal with on his own so until he finds a poor sap to cuddle with him and hold him while he cries he makes others believe that he is inherently successful. He shows off just enough of his life without revealing too much just like the title of his car. It would be detrimental to his manhood if he revealed that he actually isn’t self-sufficient.
My favorite kind of douche. Well, not favorite in the sense that I like them but it’s something that deserves attention. Nice guy meets a girl, they get along great and the next step is introducing her to his friends. What better way to get to know someone by the friends they keep right? Maybe the guy and girl go to the bar and meet up with a bunch of other people. The relationship isn’t quite a relationship yet but waters are being tested and there is strategic planning being implemented. The guy gets up to use the restroom and upon his return he notices that his prospect is falling victim to the incapable acquaintance who can’t get anything on his own. This bird-dogger has found a way to converse with the girl without any regard to the guy that brought her here in the first place. He doesn’t care. It’s all he knows how to do. Someone else did all the work and he’s reaping the benefit. After all is said and done, the girl loses interest in the first guy because the bird-dogger has effectively scared her away. Everyone loses and the bird-dog looks for his next prey.
I have a great affinity for musicians. Some of my best friends are well accomplished and talented individuals who I have the utmost respect for. I would LOVE to be able to do a quarter of what they can do. I actually don’t have broad experience with douchebag musicians but given the stories I’ve heard and the select few I do have experience with, they deserve mention here. It’s cool and all that you can seduce a girl with your song but come on dude… Get over yourself.
Just because I know a few douche-wads out there will call me out on this. If not to my face, behind my back. I’m not perfect. I care about myself more than others at times. I consider myself one of the nice guys that has to figure out the line between being a dick and doing for someone else what they really need. The pompous side of me will express the fact that I’ve actually been there and done that. Whenever I feel that someone else is subverting me as a fellow ‘guy’ that has his own approach on life, I think of things like being on a convoy from the Syrian border so tired that I was actually hoping to get hit by an IED just so I could go to sleep. I also think of the time I was fixing the fence outside the berm on a shitty, rainy April day while two vehicles came barreling up to the fence while we were out of view of the guard towers. Slipping and stumbling through the mud just to grab our weapons, locked and loaded I was preparing to take the first shot potentially extinguishing the life of another human being. Fast forward to now and I can’t believe the pompous behavior of these kids. Not just war, but real life… These fuckers have no clue.
Every Other Douche
I could spend days classifying these idiots into different categories but it’s late and I’m tired. A common quality they all seem to have is ego-centrism. It’s all about them. No surprise there right? The ones that bother me most are the sly little manipulative ones that fight like those who know Mexican Judo. They will wreak havoc on the carefully orchestrated game that ‘nice guys’ have to play because girls fall for these tool-bags all too often. Regardless of their dress style, mannerisms or lingo, they all deserve a good smack down. Or at least be exposed for who they really are before someone gets hurt. The flipside is the fact that girls (and people really) that fall for their antics are probably not worth losing sleep over anyways.