It’s not what to do…

You haven’t truly lived until at least one point you’ve held your head in your hands and asked yourself ‘What… The… Fuck…’

I’m not talking about dealing with stupid people, or a frustrating day. It’s not even about life giving you lemons. It’s about being aware that life is full of uncertainty. You can’t fix it. You feel like you’ll never be able to figure it out. Many of us have resorted to ignoring this heart-wrenching feeling and just plain accepting things as the way they are. Life simply goes on.

I’m guilty of simply accepting things as they are. It’s easier. You don’t have to worry about a broken heart or shattered dreams or a tortured ego. Religious or not, we may tend to rely on fate or chance to determine our path. I guess that will suffice… But what fun is that?

We are not here to accomplish nothing with our lives. We are here to do all those things that make for an amazing story at the end. Some of us get stuck on the idea that we may be doing it alone, or we may not have enough money or we may even be missing out on something awesome within the bubbles that we cocoon ourselves in. Of course you can’t leave out the fact that self-esteem and confidence determines what we ultimately end up doing with ourselves.

You may have at one point asked yourself, ‘What do I do!?’ You hope for some answer to appear or some revelation to manifest in your mind. You may even construct your own half-ass answer simply because you are dying for something to hold on to. You hold on to it as if God himself whispered in your ear and said, ‘This is EXACTLY what you’re supposed to do…’

I asked myself that today… ‘What should I do?’ … Nothing… Nothing at all. All that came to mind was noise and self manifested ideas on what  I would imagine could solve all of my woes. Throughout the last 15 years of my life I have always wondered what to do. Truth is, I’ve never known. It has never made sense. What has made sense is where I’ve been.

This may not be the answer for everyone, but for anyone with a gypsy soul such as mine there is really no better way to leave your sorrows than by getting up and… going. It was when I was 24, I decided to do just that. I went on the hunt for an amazing story. 12 years later I look at what I have and who is by my side. All I see right now is a glass of whiskey and a desire to start what I set out to do.

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Is this a joke…

Just a few more weeks. Hopefully this boat deal will go through and I’ll be able to point a finger in the right direction. As I was cleaning out the storage unit today, I found humor in quite a bit of my old paperwork. Not quite sure if I found more humor in court documents from my family suing me, or the ridiculous amounts of pay stubs from my zillion jobs I’ve held.

Something really cool was the letters I had saved from basic training. No emails, no texts… Actual written letters. It brought me back to a time where rock bottom wasn’t too far behind me. One person kept my faith in humanity alive. In a totally plutonic way of course, I will love her forever for what she did. Thank you, Amanda.

I also found some cool pictures of the restaurant in action. I really truly miss it, and hope I find a way to open another place again. It’ll take some determination for sure.. Money isn’t easy to come by. Looking through all the permitting applications, planning notes, vendor contracts, marketing plans, uniforms etc, I was reminded of how much of my life I dedicated to something I really truly thought would be part of something greater. It still is, just not here.

I’ve burnt bridges, I’ve been too late to the party and I think I’ve put one too many people through an undeserved emotional loop-d-loop. I’m not happy with how my life has turned out but I feel good about my decisions from this point forward.

Slow down…

In the last few weeks I have here I’m finding myself being able to reflect a little more clear about my life up to this point. Something that hit me tonight was the fact that I’m painfully impatient. Funny because nothing ever seems to get done in my life. As I’m sure it is the case with anyone who is in the final few weeks of any school, I can’t wait until I can sit and not have to think about anything for a while.

I can sit and watch the landscape from a lookout point or maybe a hidden parking area that no one else frequents. I found it hard to take it in tonight though all I wanted to do was take a break from my life. Being able to take some time alone and reflect can do more for your soul than we may ever admit. My trouble is that I’ve allowed myself to become immersed in this life which gives me so little happiness.

I’m starting to set my life up for something really good. I hope. I’m trying to minimize my obligations to anyone else without straining myself any more than I need to. I’m realizing who has been there for me and who has decided to go their own separate way. I’m still waiting on word from one last person that I have hope for. Either way, I know it’s no ones fault but my own for the state of affairs that my life is in. To each their own.

After the end of next week, I have got to slow down. I’ve got to take the time to relax and actually enjoy it. I wish I could express how badly I can’t wait for it…

A Semi-Dark Place…

On the way home from work tonight I had a strange urge to entertain some dark places. The weather turned ugly today and gave me some motivation for some reason. A warm and windy sandstormy day. As I wound down for the evening I’ve pondered some things that I try to avoid. I avoid these thoughts because its usually frowned upon to be openly pissy about things too much. ‘Cheer up’ says the one who has no idea what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes… ‘Don’t be so grumpy’ says the one who lies to themselves about how mundane their life really is… ‘Don’t be so negative’ says the one who ignores their problems by pointing out how everyone else can fix theirs so easily…

Some people disgust me. Some really disappoint me. A few amaze me. I wonder sometimes why I compare myself to some people. The longer I know someone, the more I’m disappointed. I think I’ve figured out why. It’s not their fault.

The route of example I’ll use for sake of simplicity is the relationships I see people in. I know of some really amazing people. Truly wonderful people. One on one they are my ‘cup of tea.’ Male, female, whatever.

Fools really do rush in.

I’ve resorted to the idea that if I want a relationship with anyone, I have to start truly living for myself. That being said, I see other people get into ‘relationships’ and it sickens me. This goes for both genders. I’ll speak of women here simply because as most guys can relate, it sucks to be the ‘nice guy’ that not only finishes last but to be the friend who ends up seeing the wreckage go down in flames.

As I’m writing this I think of countless women that I know in my life that have absolutely no idea what their worth is, and they throw it away for some self-absorbed, insecure, titty-sucking, demeaning douche-bag. Sure, they’re nice guys on the surface but really? You’re dating ‘him?’ Give me a fucking break! You can do better… Really, you can.

Juvenile as the above paragraph is, it leads into something more. For whatever reason, people don’t seem to realize their worth. People live their lives not only incapable of realizing how special they really are, they are groomed by society to play a part in the suppression of expression and advancement of the human race. On a micro level, people don’t realize how much better their own lives can be if they could break out of their complacency and resignation for mediocrity. I may be less disappointed as well.

I run into people and get to know a select few on a level that I don’t take for granted. I have one particular person in my life that I think is absolutely amazing and wonderful and beautiful. We go out, and it never fails. Some horse molesting creeper seems to find his way into the situation and confesses his awe of her presence and sucks all levels of meaningful connection out of our interaction. At least for me.

Irresponsible people throw the words ‘beautiful’ and ‘I Love You’ (amongst others) out there without fully appreciating what it’s supposed to mean. Given this oddity of the ignorance I find myself surrounded by, I refrain from communicating how I feel. I simply become ‘one of them’ and my words carry less worth. Just as my friend goes home to her careless, cheating boyfriend when the night is done, people at all levels in my life find their way home at the end of the day into situations absolutely less than intriguing.

Anything I might be able to say or express to someone else seems to fade out into a dense fog of confusion just as the Peanuts teacher says ‘wa waa wa wa’ to the kids in school.

My blogs mean less than I hope for my readers, just as my words have little real impact on people in my life but I have faith that something along the way might click and someone, anyone, may take heed to the message I’m trying to get across.

I don’t care who you are or what role you play in my life, there is something more. Something amazing. It could be right under your nose. It could also be a thousand miles away. It’s not about leaving the person you’re with or burning bridges, it’s about living on a level you’ve never thought possible. Money or status plays no part in this life I’m talking about. No one should be given the opportunity to hold down your heart when they’ve done nothing to prove themselves worthy. You have to regain control of who you are and what you can really do with your time here. If someone you know finds a way to keep you from spreading your wings because of their invalidated reasonings, it’s time to set the wheels in motion. Get going.

Sometimes I feel bad that my life is so easy. Though I’ve got some demons deep deep down, I plainly confess my modesty. Dare I wish for some life changing event to change my approach? I’ve been there, done that and I can’t wait for what’s next. I just hope that when I die, I can look back on my life and say it was worth it. As I write this I severely question why I’m guilty of doing absolutely nothing with my life right now. I’ve got too much stuff, not enough friends and you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a piece of ass?

Getting tired of me…

For a fair portion of my adult life, I tend to sacrifice ‘me’ time for being productive. Well, at least I think I’m being productive. In reality I end up being less productive because I stress about work or school or friends and I lose purpose. I have to realize that at the end of the day the one person that has been there for me is… Me. All this ‘staying busy’ crap is for the birds. I’ve worked, built debt, worked, paid off debt, etc etc… All I have to show for it is a plethora of experiences to talk about and pride knowing that whatever I want to accomplish in life, I can.

Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy, I set myself up for failure with the hopes that I will be ‘guided’ in the right direction sooner or later. Maybe I still have issue with the fact that I started a ‘life’ years ago with someone and all of it was a sham. I’m no longer a good prospect for anyone looking to settle down. I’m restless and constantly undecided. I want all these things out of life but I can’t even give myself a day off. How can I expect to build a happy relationship and family with someone if I can’t even take care of myself?

I need to break up with myself. I’m living a life with myself that I can barely stand. If I don’t change it, no one will. I’ve tried cheating on myself and I still couldn’t get away. I tend to punish myself with ridiculous life situations and I end up rebelling. Someone smack some sense into me.

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A little more time…

So tonight I was able to sit down and calculate a pretty accurate depiction of my financial picture over the next few months and how much I will (hopefully) have saved for the transition into the next adventure in my life. All I can say is I’m not too happy about it. The specific dollar amount isn’t so much of importance, it’s the relativity of income and spending that bothers me. In the past year I’ve spent about $600 on coffee alone. And that’s including a ton of freebies since I worked at Starbucks.
When I was looking at my budget I started to feel loads of regret for spending the money I did the last few years. I’ve been beating myself up knowing that I’d have so much more in the bank if I didn’t have to spend money on seemingly useless things. Eating out, traveling, eating out, supplements, eating out, shoes, miter saw, raft, more clothes, ammo, hotel stays… the list goes on and on. Oh, and Red Bulls…

Why the hell did I do this to myself the past year and a half? I could have been studying and working more, saving and preparing for what was next in my life. There’d be so much less potential for stress right now. Everything will work out alright but enough for me never really is. After I had a long discussion with myself about it I came to the conclusion that irrational spending is therapy for me. I can’t totally say its retail therapy because the one place I never splurge is the mall or department stores. I tend to splurge on things that I think will occupy me and make me happier. If I didn’t spend my time spending money, what else would I do with myself?
Aside from getting my Commercial Pilots License, (almost) nothing about my life is giving me any satisfaction. I’m nowhere near any of my good friends, I’m surrounded by cocky little rich kid twits and my job, while easy, drains the life out of me. Let’s not even mention the last time I had any sort of valuable intimate relations. These are sacrifices I know I had to make but it’s really starting to wear on me. Just a few more months and everything will be alright. I’m going to try and attach a video of a totally awesome song that you may simply enjoy for yourself, not for understanding my own personal trials.

All the self-imposed stress has done nothing for me except give me a valuable lesson in the importance of being frugal. The last few handfuls of blogs are really uninteresting, but for anyone that carries a bit of interest in my journey here, I’m simply clearing out some mental clutter and will be motivated soon to write some more meaningful things.

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Hurry up, next chapter…

I’ve written before about being consumed by life. See ‘consumption.’ Back then, there was a bit more on my table than there is now but strangely there is a common feeling between now and then. Things are slightly out of my control right now. I’m at the mercy of decisions I’ve made to have faith in other people. My dignity is at risk because I may find myself stooping to a level that I haven’t been since I was in my late teens. I’m preparing myself for a confrontation with the machine of mediocrity. My impending job search will be in competition with others (some not all) who have managed to bullshit their way through educational and life experiences. Not that I’m Mr. experienced-in-everything, but I’m learning the true meaning of ‘wet behind the ears’ and how stupid I must have looked when I thought I knew everything at twenty-one.

I’ve had a few situations in recent time where I hoped I could influence someone to make a change to better their life. Why don’t people listen? Who cares? I truly do care for people and want them to make good decisions for themselves, but I guess a part of my quest to help others is more about me than I’d care to admit. Does that make it less sincere or less important? I sure hope not. I’m really not trying to gain anything or expect a payback of any sorts for succeeding at helping someone out. That last sentence was really obnoxious. I guess my recent thoughts are simply that there is more to my motivation for things than simply egotistical ‘friend-being.’

I have been consumed with a life that I hope to understand soon. Again, this concept is something that this blog project is meant to uncover with the hopes that I’ll create something good for at least someone, if not me.

I’m writing this hodgepodge of stuff tonight because I’m trying to get out of the mode of bitching and complaining all the time. Until I can find a way to center myself I have to be vague to avoid a literary aneurism.

I spent a good portion of my evening after work packing some stuff up to get ready for the next move…. Ugh… Back to the dorms. It’s a sad place really. Sort of refinished military barracks that are in slightly better condition than the barracks that were part of the scandal at Fort Bragg for being almost unlivable. Aside from the community showers, thin walls and inconsiderate neighbors, I’m looking forward to it. I’ll have my own space again. Sans an inclusive kitchen and bathroom, I’ll have a version of personal space that I seem to take for granted when I have it. The silver lining behind this decision to move back to the dorms is that when this next quarter is done I will have no choice but to make yet again, the next move. If I don’t quite have enough to relocate and take care of all my crap, I may squat for a few weeks in a comfy place and rid myself of extra baggage before hitting the road.

That simple plan is, if I do it alone… There’s a potentially wonderful twist to my plans and regardless of what happens, it will definitely be more than blog worthy… Stay tuned.

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Husky…

This is another journal entry from my personal journal. It’s one of the few that I would voluntarily offer up to anyone wanting to read about me. As for why I titled it ‘Husky’, it has to do with the fact that a Husky by nature is a runner. They are not an animal meant to be kept in one place. If you give them a chance to run, typically they won’t come,back unless its something really good…

16 July 2011
I finding myself amused at the effect I seem to have on people. That is, when I care to notice. I’m sure most of us have something that someone else wants. Some are looking for protection, reassurance or simply an ego enhancement. The effect some people have on me can be overwhelming. Though sometimes it can be underwhelming. Certain people have a light about them. When the day turns grey and moods thicken the simple presence of another person can turn your world into the most wonderful sunny day you’ve ever seen. I feel like I don’t want to know more though because the fear of reality can change it all in a blink of an eye. Some wonder why I keep to myself. Sometimes I wonder that myself. If I had to explain it, I would say that I would prefer to experience a little of everything instead a lot of a few things. The task of finding hope to hold on to is tiring. Getting close time and time again is better for me than spending my time on one thing only to have the prospect of a wonderful life squished by the inherit vices that other people let run their own lives. I’m close to the one that will turn my life upside down. I hope they know the same. I am a Husky…

Ramblings…

Nothing much for tonight. Trying to write what is on my mind right now could quite possibly drain me into a coma. I was able to stand up to some personal demons tonight and am perfectly ok with who I am and what I believe in.

I believe life should be good. My ultimate dream would be to live on a sailboat with a floatplane beached nearby. I would fly tourists around for just enough money to buy food, shelter and an occasional good time. I know full well that this would not suit just anyone. This is my dream. This is my blog.

As might be expected if you keep up with my life, is the fact that having someone by my side would make it a million times better.

One of the things I’ve realized again tonight is to never settle. I don’t want to settle for something just because its convenient. I don’t want to settle for a wife that simply fits the mold. I don’t want to settle for a career simply because it makes money. I don’t want to raise my kids to a lower standard just because its easy. I want to expect consideration. I want to expect faithfulness. I want to expect honesty, truth and integrity. I want to have a feeling in my gut and not feel bad about trusting it.

I don’t want to hold back any more. I’ve never been a violent person but I really feel like getting in a good bar fight. I want to speak my mind from everything that I believe I’ve earned in this life the far. I want to humble someone’s ego. Soon my friend. Soon.

Thou I promised candid and open discourse within this blog, I have yet to truly open up. Thus far it has only been communication about certain topics that I have strong feelings for. I have some three hundred days left in this goal and as I go along I hope to follow a dialogue along changes that I hope to make in my life. Did that even make sense? It barely made sense to me.

Seem people can express themselves through art and music, some through poetry and some through writing. I generally think writing is my outlet but I wonder if there’s something that I don’t know of yet that would better suit my own expression. Maybe I just need to get through the next few months to hone in on my self appointed talent.

Stay tuned.