Fuck Yes…

There is an amazing article I read… Thank you Facebook Sharing.

Fuck Yes, or No By Mark Manson.

Pure genius. Not because it’s revolutionary, but because it’s what has always been true. It’s slightly juvenile in the sense that it is aimed at relationships and the courting process, but still holds more weight than many other things… I’ve thought about this article quite a bit lately.

As much as I would like to say I’m motivated to have a relationship, I find that most of the time I’m in a state of ‘Meh’… I used to think that something was wrong with me when I couldn’t quite figure out what someone else was thinking or feeling. Hence, I turned to straight sex in my past. Now, I turn to plain old ‘ignore-ance.’

For whatever issues I’ve been raised with, this spills over into so many other areas of my life. Jobs, goals, family, … even cars. I go so far and soon realize “This isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing”… and if I catch myself in time, I’ll escape and move along.

This idea of ‘Fuck Yes or No’ is something that I wish more people could understand.

Why on earth should it be ok to pursue something that doesn’t pursue you? I’m not religious in the traditional sense, but I tend to have faith in whatever happens, happens. Truth is, it’s worked out pretty damn well. I still get hurt feelings and my pride gets roughed up a bit but ya know what? Who the fuck cares? If I was able to go back in time and tell myself ten years ago that I would have done everything I did, I’d call bullshit. And if I wouldn’t believe it, how the hell do I expect anyone else to believe that I could do it all over again? And who has the balls to stick around while it happens?

My story…

Playing Your Hand Right

This is a blog I found while getting started on this WordPress journey of sorts. Taylor Ocean is his name and there is an eerie familiarity between his life stories and mine… Sans the drugs, SWAT raid and crazy car wrecks… For my modest amount of readers, I suggest you check out his blog, and maybe even check out his book on Amazon.

His stories will more than likely offend many, and literary structure nazis would have a heyday with his prose. Personally, I think he’s got some real balls for doing what he did, telling his story as candidly as possible. I read half his book already tonight and pressed with the fact that I’m due to be up for work in a handful of hours, I’m going to save the last half for a well planned night with a few fingers of whiskey by my side. Kudos to you, man.

So this brings me back to some realizations I have about my life. I need some better stories… Well, ones that I can tell on this open forum. I’ve held thirty something jobs since I was thirteen years old, passed up an opportunity to go to the Naval Academy, passed up college after high school, passed up enjoying my twenties… Got my (then) girlfriend pregnant… (Actually, during post break up sex), got hooked up with a girl eight years older than me, bought a house with her, almost became dad number three to her kids… Spent years working my ass off for her and sacrificing so many opportunities of really good income… I left her cheating, alcoholic ass. Managed a pizza parlor, became a garbage man, then joined the Army at the age of twenty four. Went to Airborne School after basic training, (insert a ton of Army stories here), got deployed twice, (insert more Army stories here), got out, rushed home for reasons I still can’t accept, opened a restaurant from scratch… Ran it, grew it, loved it, hated it, sold it… Became a truck driver, then became a tree worker, onto becoming a tree climber at times… Oh, and I lived on a sailboat for a few years… Then flight school… Got my commercial pilot license free and clear using the GI Bill, learned all about the new age of how entitled kids are nowadays, finished flight school, enjoyed the sailboat before I finally sold it, drove trucks again for a few months then moved to California. Decided to continue using my GI Bill benefits to attend a joke of a school. Name is withheld until I finish this session. All in all, that’s where I’m at… There’s a lot of people in between all of that who have made their way into my heart and I will never be able to get them out. Others I wish I could go back in time and ‘un-meet.’ This can’t be it for me… It’s not my time to begin writing my story. I’ve lived my life for myself and I’m ashamed of that.

I’ve been pondering more than people can ever imagine about what to do with my life right now. I’m thirty three years old and feel like I’m twenty at times. To say the world is my oyster is an understatement right now. I’m trying to live a life of normalcy for a while to help finish the affairs of a lifestyle I chose to live and quite honestly despise. Debts are to be paid, demons are surely waiting to knock on my door again real soon, and life will probably kick my ass beyond recognition real soon.

Here’s my dream… Finish this shit life I’m in. Save up some money, open another restaurant. Make it damn good… Better than I had before. Open another… And another… I want to employ people and give back to people who support me along the way. I want the feeling I’ve gotten a few times in my life where I actually want to get up in the morning. I want to go beyond a simple restaurant. I want to build something to inspire people. I want to live a transparent enough life where I don’t have to pretend in front of anyone. And when someone asks ‘who the hell are you?’, I can say ‘I’m Dave-Motherfuckin-Smyth.’ Hah, well, maybe not in that context all the time, but the passion will be there.

My reality seems to be as far from that dream as ever right now. I spend my days hoping and praying that I don’t get that call that brings me to my knees. Yet, I also wait for the other call that brings me to my knees for another reason. I’ve been acting too long. I’ve been trying to wear this facade in hopes that it’s good enough to carry me through so I can jump in the deep end sooner than later. I fear if I truly let it all hang out, I’ll lose it all… Or maybe that’s the best thing I can do right now…

Lacking…

What’s with the lack of meaningful blog posts from me lately? I mean, I have a ton of stuff on my mind but when I finally sit down with my iPad to write… My mind just stops. Period. In a way that’s a good thing for me. It’s my release of all the stress I put on myself. I liken it to humbling myself by singing karaoke. I’ll never be a singer of any talent, but sometimes a person just needs to get up and sing a drunken rendition of ‘sweet child of mine’ to bring the spaceship back to earth.

My writing journey here is a little like that. As much as I would love to hone my skills and become a columnist or even a blogger for a major news agency, I have to accept the reality of things. I feel better throwing words out on the page that have no real structure or purpose aside from someone wanting a little something to pass the time. I guess it could change at any given moment, but one may never know until they try right?

It’s a bit like this damn school I’m going to. It’s a waste of my hard earned GI Bill benefits. I’m thinking of going for some sort of professional certification instead of this half-assed bachelor program and maybe if I’m bored I’ll go get a bachelor from a real school someday. I will admit, a part of me wants to get a bachelor degree for the image of it. I mean, I need to impress people right? Right? Bullshit. I know I don’t have to impress anyone. Thing is, the people that are in charge of hiring most places (that pay a good wage out of the gate) can’t understand the worth of someone who has done more with their life than most other people who only have a four year degree under their belt.

It’s time to start thinking serious about a business again. Yup… I going there..l

Fire…

I don’t want to jump the gun too soon, but I think I’m finding something inside me that needed to get out for a long time. The extreme annoyance I’ve been experiencing because of a number of ignorant and inconsiderate people the last few years is finally getting to a tipping point for me. This is no revelation at any level. I know what will work for my life and my happiness. I’ve relied on other people too much and aside from the true friends that stick by, disappointment hasn’t ceased for quite some time.

I tend to go on a critical path when talking about people in my life, but it’s what is driving me to places I didn’t want to be, and motivating me to go to places I need to be. I want to be OK having high expectations for a future girlfriend or wife. To do that, I need to start taking better care of myself in all aspects. I want to expect better relationships with friends and even acquaintances. I want to wake up in the morning and feel alive again.

It’s so close I can taste it. As long as my bad luck quits for a little while, I think I’ll be able to drive on a little farther.

This fire that I am trying to express is difficult to understand. It’s a similar feeling to looking into someone’s eyes and realizing that there is a carnal urge to find each other’s soul. I want to look into the eyes of the world around me and see hope and desire for something better than the status quo. As little as I’ve actually divulged in this year worth of writing here, it has actually helped me map out the direction I need to go.

All I can continue to say to people that want to be any part of my life is… Stay Tuned…

Life in a box…

Fifty hours is all it takes to get a truck of my own. Fifteen more hours of this shit and I can finally get on my own schedule and begin my transition to California. Driving semi is awesome aside from the fact that these trainers aren’t very conscious about what other people might need. I drive all night after trying to get some resemblance of sleep during the day in the sleeper bunk. The last few mornings coming from Portland to Seattle I’ve been beyond tired. Five hour energy drinks don’t even do justice anymore. My sleep cycle is completely screwed up right now and if I didn’t know any better I’d say this job is for the birds. But it’s not. My starting pay is well above what I’d start out if I landed a flying job (pun intended) and this allows me to move just about anywhere. Aside from some other projects I’m deciding to work on in Cali, I’m going to get my multi-engine rating when I get settled in down south. Not really to make myself marketable for a job, but because when I decide to buy my own plane, I want to have the most options available. Unless I run into some super awesome celebrity that wants me to fly them around, I’m going to save my pilot license for fun instead of work. Jennifer Aniston, if you’re reading this I’d like to be your personal pilot. So anyhow, this is a scattered post because sitting in a super bumpy sleeper cab through mountain roads isn’t conducive to formal creativity. And the cell coverage for my iPad sucks right now so I’ll upload what I can…