And this is what I learned…

I held my grandma’s hand as she died. She was never supposed to be on life support, but they kept her on until the family could see her. I got there last. I closed the diner up early, got on the motorcycle and hauled ass to the hospital where she was sitting upright, completely unable to move, speak or breath. She was there, however.

I held on to her arm and her hand. I closed my eyes and tried my best to talk to her, but all she could do was point her finger to the door. I knew what that meant. A few minutes later, I felt her leave. Everything in the room got a little brighter… I looked out the window and knew right then that she had left. Her body was no longer struggling to breathe. It was nothing more than a vessel. As we all are.

In trying to figure out what the holy-hell to do with myself, I think back to that day. When she was there, giving every damn thing she had to hold on for even a few more minutes, there is only a few things that really matter. It was what her and grandpa did. It’s what I realized is ultimately the most important thing in my life.

Before I die, I not only want to have a good story to tell I want to accomplish these three things… Build a Family. Build a home for my family. Help others build the same. Everything in-between is just pages in a book.

Tonight, I stopped by to grab a bite to eat from a fast food joint. I saw a homeless guy laying on the ground next to his wheelchair. I bought a few extra burritos and parked in front to give him some food. Looking at his almost empty bottle of vodka, various blankets and random things, I realized everything else in this world didn’t matter to this guy. I got him back in the wheelchair with the help of another passerby that saw me struggling with him.

He was lost. He was scared of the bags of blankets tied to the handles. He had no clue what was happening. In a weird way, it didn’t seem so unfamiliar to me.

As I drove off, I looked back at him and something took a hold of me. This isn’t about realizing that we all need to help one another. Dead horse is beaten… This is about realizing that at the pace I’m going right now in life, I could only hope that a random person would help me if I was ever in a position that I couldn’t help myself.

It’s time to start realizing what’s important for our own lives. Damnit…

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It’s not what to do…

You haven’t truly lived until at least one point you’ve held your head in your hands and asked yourself ‘What… The… Fuck…’

I’m not talking about dealing with stupid people, or a frustrating day. It’s not even about life giving you lemons. It’s about being aware that life is full of uncertainty. You can’t fix it. You feel like you’ll never be able to figure it out. Many of us have resorted to ignoring this heart-wrenching feeling and just plain accepting things as the way they are. Life simply goes on.

I’m guilty of simply accepting things as they are. It’s easier. You don’t have to worry about a broken heart or shattered dreams or a tortured ego. Religious or not, we may tend to rely on fate or chance to determine our path. I guess that will suffice… But what fun is that?

We are not here to accomplish nothing with our lives. We are here to do all those things that make for an amazing story at the end. Some of us get stuck on the idea that we may be doing it alone, or we may not have enough money or we may even be missing out on something awesome within the bubbles that we cocoon ourselves in. Of course you can’t leave out the fact that self-esteem and confidence determines what we ultimately end up doing with ourselves.

You may have at one point asked yourself, ‘What do I do!?’ You hope for some answer to appear or some revelation to manifest in your mind. You may even construct your own half-ass answer simply because you are dying for something to hold on to. You hold on to it as if God himself whispered in your ear and said, ‘This is EXACTLY what you’re supposed to do…’

I asked myself that today… ‘What should I do?’ … Nothing… Nothing at all. All that came to mind was noise and self manifested ideas on what  I would imagine could solve all of my woes. Throughout the last 15 years of my life I have always wondered what to do. Truth is, I’ve never known. It has never made sense. What has made sense is where I’ve been.

This may not be the answer for everyone, but for anyone with a gypsy soul such as mine there is really no better way to leave your sorrows than by getting up and… going. It was when I was 24, I decided to do just that. I went on the hunt for an amazing story. 12 years later I look at what I have and who is by my side. All I see right now is a glass of whiskey and a desire to start what I set out to do.

Well shit…

I’m realizing it’s really time for something new to happen in my life. Hopefully I’m in some sort of control of what happens.

For the last many months I’ve been trying to wrap my head around some craziness that has occurred in my life. I’ve also realized that there really truly, is nothing stopping me from doing anything worthwhile except for… myself. No, really…

The Dog House Saloon in Fayetteville, NC was where it all came together. Well, most of it. Some of it came from the once in a lifetime love affair I had with a Colonel’s wife. Anyways. I’d drag the Harley out of the garage most nights and ride straight down to have a few cold ones. Coors Light was my vice at the time. Maybe it was the fact that I had a for-real Harley that I got treated like family there, but one of the best things about that place was when I walked in, I didn’t even have to ask for a drink. Daniel, Sarah, Chris, Tara Lee, Clint…. and Ame… Oh, Ame… You were the butter to my bread when I was able to drag you out for company… Or karaoke… Or just kickin’ it listening to cover bands all night.

I remember sitting there one day with Daniel and I said… “I’m going to open a place when I get out.” I was never so sure of anything in my life until that point. Well, mo-fuckers…. I did it. It was a humbling experience really. I got support from people I never expected and I also got hands held out from people I never expected. I lost my soul in that place. It was the moment I’ve written about before in this blog… I sold my .45 to quell those thoughts from coming to fruition. Though I wasn’t a high volume place, I was always running out of food, short staffed and I found myself starting at zero every damn month. What could have catapulted me to the next level was spent on keeping people off my back. It’s surprising who has your back when such things are on the line.

I’m determined to open another place. Or multiples of places. As much as it’s about the money, it’s really about the passion you find within yourself to do something. I can’t quite preach the ideals that I think will carry me through to the next big thing in life, but I can do my best to wrangle up the demons that seem to keep me from progressing.

Somewhere, deep down the fire is still alive… and I’ll be able to tell a bad-ass story someday.

Jesus was a bastard child…

It’s been a while. Oh how I’ve missed this whole writing bit. I found a peculiar motivation tonight to start writing some more. Not sure it will be an everyday affair as I made it before, but ya know… Fuck it.

I’ve hated having to be someone for someone else. I remember having to sit through some bullshit lecture from a camp counselor when me and my friend Kevin didn’t bring our bibles to camp. When they forced us to take possession of their renditions, we got in trouble if we didn’t put them on top of every other item in our drawers. As a kid, I never understood it. I never felt it in my heart. I’ve never been ‘saved’ even when I told people I felt the ‘blood of Jesus running through my veins.’ It was all a shit show story to get people off my back.

The night I was on the floor in the Papa Murphy’s getting my face beat in by some fat fucker trying to rob the place was my first taste of what life was really all about. The only person responsible for saving ourselves is in fact, ourselves.

Come ye bible thumpers and born-again disciples of the almighty. Rip me apart for speaking such foul sentiment of your beloved savior.

My question of the age is this… Why on earth would anyone want to live a life where they are expecting the spirit of a zombie Jew to carry them through? Why not do it yourself? CAN you actually do it yourself?

How’s that for returning to the blog-o-sphere with a bang?

Whether you like it or not, we are all here for a purpose we won’t understand while ‘in the flesh.’ What I will tell you though is that we must learn to be compassionate to one another and understand that regardless of why we are here, this life is not meant to be lived without trying to make some sort of impact on the world. Do it how you please, but quite simply; don’t be an asshole.

It’s not about the money. It’s not about the fame, or notoriety. It’s not really about who you’re fuckin’ or the drama you create because you’re not the one doing the fuckin’… You jealous bastard, you. Take a look at who you really are. Take a look at what’s been put on your plate right in front of you. Quit looking at the heftier portions that are given to those sitting across from you.

Let the friend self-pruning process begin…

Signal…

I decided to stop at a place tonight that I was sure would have reliable internet… Of course my luck has it, I can’t get a signal to save my life. So, I’m hoping to write something and stand with a foot in the air while I stick my thumb in my ass in hopes of grabbing a signal just long enough to upload something…

Seems to be the story of my life. I can’t get a decent signal. I give people and things the benefit of the doubt too much and I end up getting the shaft. I remember about ten years ago I was going to throw a few thousand bucks into some stocks. I was getting tired of the futures market and wanted something a little more mainstream for a change. I thought it would be cool to research the companies behind the big-ass cable that runs along the ocean floor and connects places like North America and Europe. Soo, I land at Tyco. Wow, cool… Their prospectus seemed in shape and the outlook was great… Well, for some stupid reason (the reason had a vagina), I held off on investing… Good thing because Tyco has about the same investment value of Enron. I got lucky on that, but I didn’t see the signals that any prudent trader should have seen. Phew…

My dating life is about the same way. Actually, even my ‘friend’ life works that way as well. Hell, my wifi scoping skills are on par with all of my life as well. Seems that I can’t quite get the signal or ‘hint’ as we know it…

I’d love to meet myself in the polar opposite universe that I’m sure I’m living in.

Home…

Ever since my family moved to Washington State back in ’89, I completely forgot the feeling that I once again had today. Since the move many years ago I’ve lived in a lot of places and traveled way more than I imagined I ever would. I’ve always wanted to be going somewhere but couldn’t quite put my fingers on it. When I returned from my first deployment to Iraq, I felt an emptiness inside. I had nowhere to go, and no desire to do anything but find the local bar and… Well, I’ll leave those stories for the guys…

After finishing my time in active duty I decided for some abstract reason that I should beat-feet back to Washington. As I drove the moving van with Harley and ‘things’ in tow, I didn’t get the same feeling as I got today.

Wherever I’ve lived over the years I always felt the urge to go back to whatever place it was that my bed was in. Even if only for a day, I couldn’t fight the desire to get back. I mean literally the particular address in which I lived. The shitty old house downtown Port Orchard, the totally awesome apartment in North Carolina, the temporary barracks, the tent at a campsite while camping… Even while I was in Iraq, I got homesick for my container house if I was away at another location for too long.

Whenever I got back to those places I felt a faint sort of gratification that I made it back, but something has always been missing. It didn’t take me long to get restless and want to venture out and go somewhere again. It was a vicious cycle.

The last handful of years had proven to be less than extraordinary for me. I guess I did a lot with my time but the feeling I couldn’t ever seem to shake has been looming over me.

Today, I left for my first solo run after getting assigned a truck. Wouldn’t ya know, it’s to California. A pretty decent run at that. (Meaning pay wise). As I passed over the border I got a glimpse of exactly what I’ve been missing. I actually felt like I was coming home…

Melt…

Back in a hotel room for the weekend. My sleep cycle is completely fucked up right now and I’m feeling very reflective right now. My duffel bag of choice for the next adventure in my life is sitting on my bed with an airline tag from a trip to California a few years back when I took a driving job. That was a month after I sold my restaurant that essentially drained my soul of everything I thought I knew I wanted. The story is getting old yet there’s something important in the details that I can’t quite come to terms with.

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After looking at this tag, I begin to reflect on the countless trips I’ve taken in search for something bigger and better than the life I’ve been living. Whether it’s cross country, across oceans or across social comfort zones, I keep coming back to this common starting point. I’ve sold off or donated almost everything I own. My storage unit has a greater percentage of useless business paperwork than actual items that I want to hold on to. A part of me would say I’m happier because of the cleansing I’ve made on my life recently. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this very spot. Simply getting rid of stuff isn’t the end of the story though. It’s time to start filling my life with things I really want… Again…

 

I do want a new car… and a decent place to lay my head at night but that’s about the extent of material possessions I want to accept right now. As I was driving this afternoon to grab a bite to eat I had one of those moments that I know we’ve all had one time or another. A song by Phil Roy came on and reminded me of a particular time in my life when everything made perfect sense. It was at a Starbucks in Newport Beach, CA and everything felt perfect. It was a near perfect day as I sat on the patio in an element that actually truly made me happy. On the road today, everything made sense just the same and I felt the fire inside me well up and the weight on my shoulders lifted just long enough for me to actually breathe. I think I’m on the right path. The things I want in my life is exactly the feeling I got in Newport… but with someone by my side that actually wants to be there with me.

 

I can’t stop dreaming. I can’t stop moving and changing. I can’t fight the urge to want more out of this life no matter what I’m doing. A life of complete complacency is not my thing. Though I try to live within acceptable norms as to not create too much turmoil,  I wonder if crossing the line a few times would set me in a completely new realm.

 

I really need to get out more… My life is getting boring again…

New life…

Today is officially the first day again of the rest of my life. I finally moved out of Moses Lake and am in transition to my next stop. California. This is by no means a final chapter of my gypsy living. I want to do it right this time however. I’m going to hold friends more accountable for their friendships and I’m going to be less hesitant to move on from people when they lose sincerity.

For now, I’m going to relax on the boat and not give a care in the world to anything but that which makes me happy… Stay tuned…

Unworthy of mention…

Tonight is the last night I’ll spend in Moses Lake. I’d say its bittersweet but it’s more bitter than anything. I came to accomplish a goal and I did it. I was never expecting anything spectacular from coming here so expectations were never met or shorted. I met some great people, and I met some functional acquaintances.

I’m a little disappointed in myself though. I don’t think I tried hard enough. Sure, I followed the steps to pass classes and flight training but I feel void of potential within myself after this time.

I haven’t had a clear purpose in life for as long as I can remember. I’m not a fan of long term planning and even if I was, the reasons I have for doing what I do is to appease others, not to satisfy myself. Even after finishing here I really don’t know what or why I want to do (anything).

I have a month to decide how I’m going to handle my next move. Here’s to figuring out what the hell my life should be all about…

Rewind…

When I decided to write this 365 blog I was hoping to find a way to make my readers think about or provoke ideas of something better in this life. However you want to interpret it, whether you care about my life or not, is up to you. If I were sailing on a boat for an extended period of time I would try to keep a log of everything that happened. It’s more for me but in the case that something amazing happened, there could be a record to share with others. Of course keeping a log of other things is just as important but a daily collection of events is quite interesting. In the age of Social Media, text messaging and mass digital storage we have a built in log book. Every status update and uploaded picture is a record of our lives day by day. Have you ever looked back at your Facebook or even MySpace feed from years ago?

Though I’m not a die-hard fan of what social media does to society, I embrace it for what it serves in my life. We post a filtered account of what events fill our lives and how it affects us. It’s sharing for other people to possibly read or absorb so they understand the full intensity of what we’re feeling. Once your status gets run over by the next current event it becomes old news. Almost instantaneously whatever short influence you may have had on someone else disappears into oblivion. What we do is really for ourselves and no one else. So why?

Look at your life. Are you truly happy? Are you living the life you want to? Are you not living the life you didn’t know existed for yourself? There’s no reason to settle for less than extraordinary. It’s hard for people to grasp on to what I’m trying to say. I believe that all too often we try to live for others when we forget about ourselves. When you treat yourself with respect and dignity, you start to understand your true worth. If you could stand with yourself in the future, would your future self be happy with the decisions you make right now? Just as if you look back on previous social media communications, what do you have to say for yourself? Is everything you’ve ever done giving you what you thought you wanted right now?

As its been the last few months, I’m tried while trying to write something. I’ll quit while I’m ahead tonight. I anything this will be something for me to re-read down the road and hopefully motivate some more meaningful blogs.