It’s not what to do…

You haven’t truly lived until at least one point you’ve held your head in your hands and asked yourself ‘What… The… Fuck…’

I’m not talking about dealing with stupid people, or a frustrating day. It’s not even about life giving you lemons. It’s about being aware that life is full of uncertainty. You can’t fix it. You feel like you’ll never be able to figure it out. Many of us have resorted to ignoring this heart-wrenching feeling and just plain accepting things as the way they are. Life simply goes on.

I’m guilty of simply accepting things as they are. It’s easier. You don’t have to worry about a broken heart or shattered dreams or a tortured ego. Religious or not, we may tend to rely on fate or chance to determine our path. I guess that will suffice… But what fun is that?

We are not here to accomplish nothing with our lives. We are here to do all those things that make for an amazing story at the end. Some of us get stuck on the idea that we may be doing it alone, or we may not have enough money or we may even be missing out on something awesome within the bubbles that we cocoon ourselves in. Of course you can’t leave out the fact that self-esteem and confidence determines what we ultimately end up doing with ourselves.

You may have at one point asked yourself, ‘What do I do!?’ You hope for some answer to appear or some revelation to manifest in your mind. You may even construct your own half-ass answer simply because you are dying for something to hold on to. You hold on to it as if God himself whispered in your ear and said, ‘This is EXACTLY what you’re supposed to do…’

I asked myself that today… ‘What should I do?’ … Nothing… Nothing at all. All that came to mind was noise and self manifested ideas on what  I would imagine could solve all of my woes. Throughout the last 15 years of my life I have always wondered what to do. Truth is, I’ve never known. It has never made sense. What has made sense is where I’ve been.

This may not be the answer for everyone, but for anyone with a gypsy soul such as mine there is really no better way to leave your sorrows than by getting up and… going. It was when I was 24, I decided to do just that. I went on the hunt for an amazing story. 12 years later I look at what I have and who is by my side. All I see right now is a glass of whiskey and a desire to start what I set out to do.


Explainable haze pt.3…

I have an opinion on something that would probably make some people uncomfortable to acknowledge at any level. Don’t agree? Politely discuss or leave your judgment at the door.

Finding god.

I’m not a man of specific religious claim. As far as I’m concerned, Christianity is one of the biggest lies ever told. When I speak of finding god, it has nothing to do with deities or blind faith. It’s something inside us that drives us to the next second, the next day and the next life.

I’ve written a few blogs about finding god in different places. I know of finding it in the gym, the battlefield and finally the bedroom. I’m not writing this in a fashion to assume this is the final answer about this topic. It is for me, for you.

I’ve gotten in a few discussions with people about finding this elusive ‘thing’ that I talk about. It seems that the ones that I have to convince most are the ones that want to simply challenge my stance instead of understanding it. An astonishing example is something I heard recently from someone’s mouth; “the earth is only a few thousand years old.” Dealing with this depth of ignorance puts me at a standstill when it comes to sharing my deeper feelings. I clam up. They judge me even more because my ‘truth’ doesn’t stand a chance against their claim of ultimate knowledge. I’m not saying I’m right, but imagine someone telling you out of unbreakable belief that the moon doesn’t revolve around the earth. Don’t know about you but my response would be “uh, uhm, I, uh… Yea sure…?” And I walk away…. Sometimes it’s just not worth the effort.

Anyways, about finding god in the bedroom. It’s about sex. Whatever you want to call it. The mere act of intercourse has absolutely nothing to do with sex, and even less to do with finding god. Some of us use the bedroom as simply a place to get each other off in private. How about if we use it to bring each other to places that we’ve never imagined before? The bedroom is more so a metaphor for this idea I’m talking about.

To truly give yourself to someone is to place absolute and undeniable trust in someone else. You reveal every thought and fantasy not matter how perverted or curious it may be. You lay it all on the line for someone else. The purpose of this isn’t to figure out why one may have abstract thoughts and feelings about things, but to expose a part of their soul that is neglected for far too long. I absolutely guarantee without a doubt that every ‘sane’ human being out there has had deviant thoughts run through their mind. Not that we would act on it but that we are all capable of considering some things that we will ultimately take to our grave. Less dramatically it would be like admitting to yourself that even though you are absolutely faithful to your spouse, you can visualize what it would be like if you cheated.

This idea of revealing everything to someone else goes far beyond simply being ‘naked’ in front of someone. It means you allow someone deep inside. You allow someone to violate your inhibitions. You do not deny anything. The problem lies however in the trust that must be upheld in such behavior.

“She/He was the worst lay ever…”

You may like that your partner uses lines like that to make you feel better but ask yourself, “If they are so quick to pass judgment on someone in their past, what would they reveal about me?”

This fact alone is enough to make someone clam up and guard their innermost feelings. I get it.

Now that we can get past the disqualifiers for finding this elusive god in the bedroom, here’s how it works in my world. When I get the opportunity to share an intimate experience with someone I like to test some limits. Small limits at first. I like to bring someone past their comfort zone then carefully bring them back and assure them that I had complete control and am not going to betray the trust they had to let me take something a little farther. Quite honestly I can only go so far with some. (Women, since I’m speaking roughly of sex of course). Going beyond a simple role-playing fantasy and achieving multiple orgasms is child’s play. Allowing someone to expose everything about them and give you access to every part of them, inside and out, is finally getting somewhere.

What I’m trying to speak of doesn’t happen on command. It doesn’t happen with everyone. All I can say is that when it effectively does happen, a deeper understanding of something comes to light. As a couple you experience raw human emotion. Seeing this in the flesh and blood can reveal things unexplainable.

For anyone that has trudged through this entry you may wonder what the hell I’m trying to imply here.

I’ll bring the conclusion to a reality that more may be able to understand.

People have sex for the wrong reasons. I’m guilty of this as well. In fact, there’s going to be many times in my life when I have sex for the wrong reasons. I’m ok with it. Sometimes we simply have the urge and however we choose to lie to ourselves, it is good enough for a little self-indulgence. What irritates me is how some people use sex just as a spoiled rich kid would use a brand new BMW that mommy and daddy bought for them. Chances are there is no appreciation for what it can really do and the entire experience is wasted on ego and self-preservation.

People will also use this ‘deeper meaning of sex’ irresponsibly. Same as when people mis-use the words ‘I Love You.’ Example that comes to mind is that for all women out there… That douche-bag guy you may or may not have admitted to sleeping with… He got to you by understanding that amazing things happen when someone finally opens up. Problem is, he just wanted a piece of ass and you fell for it. Now he’s stuck trying to figure out how to get out of the situation and you’re busy trying to justify falling in love.