Nor-fuckin-mal…

My moral compass has been out of order for quite some time. I think the only thing keeping me from going down a truly horrible path is my blind faith that there is a reason I should try to be good at some level. Let me tell you, it’s no god damned walk in the park.

It seems that there is a monster at my back, breathing ever so lightly on my neck whispering in my ear “just let it happen…” When it’s all said and done I can’t quite come to terms with something that should be so wrong, feels so right. In a twisted way, I think my acceptance of these facts and my openness to damn near anything you can throw at me is what scares people away. And my silence doesn’t seem to help my cause either.

I’m scared right now. This is a fairly dry chapter in my life and I feel it must change. I don’t know how or when I can make that happen. Instead of having that ominous creature known as ‘life’ at my back all the time, I would really like to turn around, grab it by it’s throat and fuck the dog-shit out of it. If I do this however, I’m pretty confident that there isn’t going to be anyone standing by my side, let alone anyone be OK with it in general. I must take baby steps. Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

We aren’t here for long so we may as well have some compassion for those around us and not ignore what we know to be true in our hearts. For some, we just want to be really fucking good at our trade or maybe simply be a good person for family. Maybe some people want to live a more reserved life while someone else wants to snort cocaine off a hooker’s ass. Either way, why don’t we all just do it and not worry about the end state. There will be people who are not OK with any of your choices. In fact there will be people unhappy with your choices in life simply for the fact that they are your choices and not theirs.

I don’t quite know how to responsibly break out of my normal-ness right now and still maintain what little credibility I’ve managed to restore. Maybe I’ll just sit quietly and see who comes around. I’m tired of trying to be the one who comes around for others when all they really want is… Normal…

My second greatest love affair…

With my last entry I’m sure I disappointed some who were expecting something juicy about a nefarious encounter with the fairer sex. Though I have plenty of stories hidden away to make the most open-minded people blush, this affair has to do with someone special that I’ve written about a few times before. I figured I’d revisit my thoughts and share them with the bored and easily captivated crowd reading random blogs on a Sunday night.

I’ll cut to the chase… Her name again… Turtle. Turtle Sloop to be exact. The sea slug of sailboats. Fat, Heavy and a little too tender for winds above 10 knots. That being said, there was nothing quite like the feeling I’d get when I’d step outside after a long night of being anchored out in the Puget Sound. Aside from the times of regret of not being aware of what I ate before a venture out into the high seas… err I mean inland waters, There’s not much that can compare. Maybe sex… Maybe flying… Maybe Key Lime Pie…

As I was sitting on the crapper tonight, I was pondering how the fuck I got myself here. My bathroom may very well be as big, if not bigger, than the whole living area on my boat. Some may ask me how I didn’t feel claustrophobic or like a prisoner.

What’s crazy is that the more space I end up having in my living quarters, the more closed off I feel. It was a crazy idea to think that the only real barrier to me not taking off without looking back was a few dock lines and a power cord. Sans the fact that my boat probably wouldn’t survive the open water for long, I literally could go anywhere I want. I’d figure out ways to survive. Fish, hunt, beg… My story would begin. The book would write itself and I would be known as the guy that no one knew because he never stayed.

Even when cozied up in the marina, Turtle was my escape. Every single day. My foot pump sink and musty sleeping berth humbled me. I couldn’t imagine having anything else. Now, I have two faucets in my bathroom and a microwave that doesn’t fall off the wall when it gets windy. What the fuck do I do with two faucets?

I could get teary-eyed thinking about what Turtle did for me… and still does. My story can’t end here. Not like this. There’s more to life than being annoyed at the fact that my cell service doesn’t work in my apartment parking garage.

How to love…

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

I’m a cynical citationist so I did a quick google search on the origin of that quote. Because everything we get from the Internet is true, apparently Mark Twain didn’t actually come up with that… A lot of sites say it came from a guy named Brown, who incidentally didn’t want to take credit for it. Whatever… I did a bit of due diligence and consider this my citation…

Regardless of who formulated those words so eloquently, it is one of my favorite quotes… Ever…

When I lived on Turtle Sloop (my sailboat for you new readers), it was a curious notion to realize that I was separated from the rest of the world by two simple lines. Sometimes three when the windy season came about. Even for simple half day jaunts around the inlet, once I was free of the bowline, freedom set in.

I could relate very easily to this quote because of my maritime passion, but of course it is also meant to be applicable to many aspects of anybody’s life. I truly truly truly wish I could do more with my life. I wish I could get over the fears I have about doing certain things. The unwarranted excuses I give myself for not going forth with things seem ridiculous in hindsight. Coulda, woulda, shoulda right?

I’m about to set sail on yet again, another crazy adventure in my life. I’m down to the last few weeks of driving truck before I head to Southern California to settle in. Hopefully for the long haul. Pun totally not intended. Just as flight school was essentially a self inflicted punishment for myself, this past summer has served its purpose well. And just like the handshake I got when I passed my commercial pilot check-ride, the final dispatch I get (hopefully back to Washington so I can get my car) will be the signal to me that life is once again, about to take me for a crazy ride.

As much as I want to love people all around, some are just plain shitty. Yea yea, everyone is fighting their own battle but fuck man, there are people that are down to their last dying breath that are more kind than some of these assholes among us. That being said, for the people out there willing to act in any civil manner, I would offer every bit of love I can. No homo, guys. Part of that love I wish I could share would follow the general mantra of the aforementioned quote. Whoever the hell said that.

Not everyone should strive to rise above all humanity… The race is futile. However, within the worlds we create for ourselves we should never be afraid to take chances. To explore. To risk failure for hope of something greater. To realize that no matter what we do, no one really matters except the ones you love. And the ones who judge you for who you are, are nothing more than the assholes that are inevitably going to be amongst all of us.

There’s nothing wrong with sitting up a little taller, taking a deep breath in and looking to the sky. Whatever the reason we are here, it is in fact part of something bigger. For you, it could be your spouse, your kids, your family or even your friends. For others it could be for the ones you have yet to meet in your life.

We should try to stay kind, stay generous and with a bit of careful choosing, love one another like we want to be loved.

Melt…

Back in a hotel room for the weekend. My sleep cycle is completely fucked up right now and I’m feeling very reflective right now. My duffel bag of choice for the next adventure in my life is sitting on my bed with an airline tag from a trip to California a few years back when I took a driving job. That was a month after I sold my restaurant that essentially drained my soul of everything I thought I knew I wanted. The story is getting old yet there’s something important in the details that I can’t quite come to terms with.

.photo

After looking at this tag, I begin to reflect on the countless trips I’ve taken in search for something bigger and better than the life I’ve been living. Whether it’s cross country, across oceans or across social comfort zones, I keep coming back to this common starting point. I’ve sold off or donated almost everything I own. My storage unit has a greater percentage of useless business paperwork than actual items that I want to hold on to. A part of me would say I’m happier because of the cleansing I’ve made on my life recently. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this very spot. Simply getting rid of stuff isn’t the end of the story though. It’s time to start filling my life with things I really want… Again…

 

I do want a new car… and a decent place to lay my head at night but that’s about the extent of material possessions I want to accept right now. As I was driving this afternoon to grab a bite to eat I had one of those moments that I know we’ve all had one time or another. A song by Phil Roy came on and reminded me of a particular time in my life when everything made perfect sense. It was at a Starbucks in Newport Beach, CA and everything felt perfect. It was a near perfect day as I sat on the patio in an element that actually truly made me happy. On the road today, everything made sense just the same and I felt the fire inside me well up and the weight on my shoulders lifted just long enough for me to actually breathe. I think I’m on the right path. The things I want in my life is exactly the feeling I got in Newport… but with someone by my side that actually wants to be there with me.

 

I can’t stop dreaming. I can’t stop moving and changing. I can’t fight the urge to want more out of this life no matter what I’m doing. A life of complete complacency is not my thing. Though I try to live within acceptable norms as to not create too much turmoil,  I wonder if crossing the line a few times would set me in a completely new realm.

 

I really need to get out more… My life is getting boring again…

Bowline…

It’s definitely time to start packing up to go. This next week will be the fun week, the weekend will be cleansing my storage unit to the bare minimums and the week after will be finishing a deal for the boat. I got a few interested buyers and for the price quite honestly, they’d be stupid to pass it up. We’ll see how that works out…

I realized last night as I was talking to my neighbor that life on the dock is my happy place. It symbolizes being on the edge of every other opportunity in the world. The algae-rich water I walk over every day and night is connected to the rest of the entire world. Three lines (and a power cord) are truly the only thing keeping me from the rest of my life. Now if my boat was an open water boat I’d be gone already. The local yacht broker claims that my boat would make it just fine down the coast but I remind myself that I’m adventurous, not stupid. (Mostly).

I walk up the ramp, through the gate and I almost feel suffocated. I’ve been making random trips to my storage to get a plan of attack and I feel an uncontrollable sensation of depression and resentment for decisions I’ve made and the relationships I’ve formed.

I’ve stuck around ‘waiting’ for something to happen in my life. Funny thing, everything good that has happened to me has been when I stepped out of my comfort zone and left my inhibitions at bay. I’ve come back to a comfortable place and its the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been. Hopefully the latter half of this year long blog will take on a little more meaning and tell a bit of a better story…