Damnit…

One of those days again where I wish I could spit out what’s on my mind… Nothing of what I write lately means much about what’s really going on inside me. I’m purposely clouding myself with things in my head to avoid some serious progress that I need to make in my life. Not sure why I do it… I think I’m just being careful, but maybe it’s because I’m scared. I think back to when I decided to open my business. It was at a bar in North Carolina. I sat with My friend Daniel and a Coors Light. I always knew I wanted to open a place, but that particular night I made the choice. It was something I had never felt more right about in my whole life. Thing is now, I’m looking for that moment. It can’t be forced. It can’t be staged. It just has to happen. I have a feeling something will change in me soon. As I’ve written before, it’s not about the money either. Of course I need to save some money to open a place, but aside from that, I need to find the love I once had. I’m through trying to convince myself that I can do it. I know I can. The real question is how far do I feel comfortable going in again? There is a point of no return, and the next time around it’s either go big or go.. .home?

The biggest challenge I see in creating something new, is the ability to stand up beside my convictions and be able to tell people I know what the fuck I’m doing. It’s not an easy road to actually go after your dreams, but there’s a point at which you must realize that it’s not about anything you ever thought it would be. And it’s definitely not anything anyone else would think it is either.

The moment of realization that I was going to accomplish a dream I had had actually come and gone before I even picked up the first pen to create a plan for my place. I realized tonight that all those times I’d sit in my diner at night, doors locked and neon lights on, I wasn’t basking in the glow of my progress… I was looking for the fire that I was forcing upon myself. I was fooled by what I had created. It was nothing I really wanted. It’s why on the last time I locked my doors to bring the keys to the lawyers office to change over possession, I didn’t look back. Even to this day if I’m back in town, I can drive by the place and not have any sort of sentimental feelings. I can remember the good times and the bad of course, but it’s a chapter in my life that has closed. Reality is, I should have waited a bit longer to start it. Hindsight right…

Right now my life is about trying to play catch-up. I’ve driven the car of my life full speed without shifting gears My motor took a shit and now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I’m trying to be a bit more careful as I drive this one down the road however. Not only do I need to control it for myself, I need to watch out for the asshole that is waiting to run me off the road or brake check me just to prove a point.

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