One of my favorite things to do when I was a kid was to build stuff. It could be out of mud, Legos, paper or whatever. What I liked more than that was sharing it with others. Maybe it was a cool ramp to jump my bike on… Maybe it was a bed sheet fort. It was something I’m not going to say I totally understood at that time, but I knew who I was and what I wanted out of my life, as juvenile as it was.
When I was plucked out of the life I knew of and moved to Washington, I never really felt the same. I always felt like wherever I was, was never more than a temporary place until I got back to where I needed to be. I found myself moving from friend to friend, then after high school I moved from place to place just to satisfy an urge I never quite understood. Before the military, I did nothing more than play hopscotch from town to town.
As I signed up for the military, I understood from day one that it was a temporary thing for my life. It would be the next stepping stone. A life was created, then for reasons I now understand, I was plucked away from it to try and begin a life in Washington. Problem is, it was never where I wanted to be.
The last few years I’ve settled some business that has been tugging at my heels. The blowout with my family, the acceptance of throwing in the towel to my business, purging my storage of ‘stuff’, and even a trip or two to Tennessee cleared my mind of ‘coulda woulda shouldas’…
Tomorrow morning I get the keys to my new place in California. The rent is obnoxious, the cities are crowded and the government shut down may make for an interesting ride as I’m supposed to start school on the GI Bill’s dime. These things don’t matter to me though.
The journey I’ve been on for the last many years has kinda been like a high school social. I’ve stepped into situations only to quickly realize I’m not part of the crowd of sorts. Relationships and potential relationships took their turn on me. Though at times I felt like tucking my tail between my legs and pouting my way to the door, I now stand with my head a little bit taller because I realize my worth even if others have no need for it. Same thing with jobs and places I’ve lived. I never felt like I was where I was supposed to be.
I’m starting a new non-temporary life. It’s just me, my car, a small truckload of stuff and some money in the bank. The argument I seem to get is that the area I chose to move won’t be that great after a while. Fine… So there’s a possibility I may not like it. I can move pretty darn easy. Truth of the matter is, I’m fully aware of who has been there for me without pushing me into feelings of guilt or shame for choices I’ve made in my life.
As nice as it would be to say I’ve washed my hands clean of my past, I know it won’t be that cut and dry. If I meet someone that wants to be in my life and deserves my attention then she will know that at least at this point, there is no ulterior motive except the little fire inside me that wants to build something again, and share it with someone that truly appreciates it. There’s a handful of people that I miss in my life but I’m beyond losing sleep over it.
This is my time to sink or swim for myself. Tonight is the last night of my past and tomorrow morning is the first day of the rest of my life… Again…