Fuzzy cuffs…

I have a peculiar way about me that makes some people turn their backs to me. This isn’t a pouty little entry about how no one likes me… Waaah… I know that plenty of people like me in their own special way. I was sitting here thinking about all kinds of situations I’ve found myself in over the past fifteen years or so of my life and there’s a striking commonality with events in my life.

Girlfriends and even friends have been unfaithful to me. People have befriended me at times for superficial reasons. Even complete strangers treat me like I’m a strange object for their affection. Affection for whatever it is they are thinking about and want me to be influenced by it. People don’t like my approach a lot of times. I have a dry sense of humor and I’m fairly passive… To a point…

I’ve noticed some of these consignees that I deliver to are complete assholes. Some guy in Minnesota at SuperValue foods starting getting pissy like a spoiled thirteen year old because I wanted to verify I was in the correct spot because the address on the shipping papers conflicted with my dispatch. Simple question but when he threw my paperwork down and walked away from me I simply turned around to go back to the truck. As I turned around I voiced my broad opinion and said something that I’m actually going to censor from this blog. He got the point that I could really care less about whatever the hell I was delivering. My job description does not state anything about having to put up with shit like his. Eventually it all got taken care of and I finally left that place. Maybe it was just Minnesota… Even the dispatchers at some of these terminals are total cockwads. I called one lady and started to say what I needed and mid sentence she said in a very cuntish tone, ‘what’s your truck number?’ Ok, so I told her. She asked what I needed… As soon as the first word came out of my mouth she got even more cuntish and exclaimed ‘you’re going to have to speak up or call back some other time, I can’t play this game right now.’ Wow… Ok…

I’m sure that story fits in with this idea somehow. Thing is, I’ve made a constant effort in the past many years of my life to be considerate and understanding when it comes to dealing with people. I try to be nice to fast food workers, bankers, toll booth operators, school administration and for the most part complete strangers. When people turn on me, I typically don’t snap back. I simply close up my thoughts and work on my plan of attack to leave the situation.

I’ve also tried to be more considerate to people that come into my life. Maybe it can be called accommodating. The last roommate situation I was in, I made sure to keep my ‘crap’ out of common areas and respect the space and peace of others. Apparently things don’t get reciprocated like I would expect. There was a fast approaching breaking point for me and I decided it would be best to leave. Now all I have to deal with is my personal business being talked about and judgement being passed by people who might not be aware that I do cover myself with keeping evidence of nefarious activities… Just to keep the playing field level…

My accommodation also comes in the form of simply being concerned of someone else’s well being when they are around me. A funny little incident happened a while back. I was in bed with someone and she seemed quite uncomfortable throughout the night. I woke up because I had the sense that she was awake. She was tossing and turning and in the haze of waking up it seemed like she was on the verge of saying something… So I asked very quietly ‘are you awake?’ Dumb question I know, but if she was asleep I’d let her sleep obviously… Apparently she’s a light sleeper because she jumped up in a sort of panic and flopped out of the bed. ‘Whats going on? What time is it?’ I… Uhh… It’s like 4 am, I was seeing if you were ok…. She actually got pissed at me for waking her up. Sorry? Go back to sleep? But no, she decided to immediately get out of the bed, get dressed and leave to go do whatever the hell it is she does… Later that day I was actually quite irritated at her because of that (amongst other things). I said, ‘ya know, sorry I woke you but you didn’t need to react that way. I was making sure you were ok because it seemed like you were either uncomfortable or maybe needed something…’ End result of that day was me realizing that although some people don’t know how to handle my version of concern and consideration, I’m not planning on changing anytime soon… And no, me and this girl were not, and never have had sex. It’d probably be awesome if we did, but she’s got a few too many ‘other guy’ issues to work out.

If you made it this far, here’s where the meat of my blog idea takes place.

None of us can make everyone happy all the time. Someone is going to have a problem with something that we do at some point. It could be your past, your present or your future plans. Trying to please people is seemingly a dead end road… But it’s not.

I don’t ever regret being nice to someone. I don’t ever regret taking charge of a situation. I don’t ever regret trying to get along with others. I don’t regret being considerate or kind or even a bit ‘too nice’. When it comes to looking at a prospective relationship with someone, I am in fact a nice guy. I wait to make the first move. I’m cautious when I express how I feel. Even with friends, I try to be less difficult when it comes to whatever it is that we are doing. I’m an easy guy and I know that it’s not all about me.

So the conundrum about nice guys finishing last versus sometimes it’s best to just take control… I get it. I really do. Sometimes I just have to speak my mind. I guess I have to be a dick sometimes. That is, if it’s meant to be all about me…

I keep a pair of fuzzy handcuffs to remind me of who I am at heart. Once someone lets me in, it’s Game on! The handcuffs resemble a control that I am completely comfortable having with someone else, yet making it have nothing to do with me. I want to earn the trust of others to the point where they know I’m not going to betray them. If they want to betray me, then it’s a whole other story. I’m a passive person on the outside but there is still in fact a little fire inside me that I wish to be able to share with someone else again. Preferably with someone who appreciates my attempt at being considerate and can work through my social awkwardness…

I’m apologetic about a lot of things that are a result of my actions but I am not apologetic about who I am and who I want to be.

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