Conflicted…

Why can’t I stick to a plan? I know why… Because I feel like I have to answer to people for what I do or don’t do. I act out of rebellion I think and it gets me in trouble. It’s the underlying reason I chose to not go to the Naval Academy. It was cool and all and I’m sure I’d have some prestigious posits by now, but it wasn’t for me. And when I decided to not do it, I felt the backlash. Why did it matter anyways?

It was a hard thing about doing the business plan for my restaurant. I was hard to present stuff that I knew for a fact wasn’t going to be the way it really was but I had to put it anyways. Then of course it changed. When I would be asked why, I couldn’t exactly tell the truth. I had to make something up to excuse it. But how hard would it be to make a business plan based on the premise that absolutely nothing will work as planned and sheer intuition will be the driving factor in the success of the venture.

I have preconceived expectations that I think people shouldn’t have when in fact they really don’t have them in the first place. Sometimes I forget that no one really cares what someone else does with their life unless it directly effects them.

Going through flight school was no different. I really truly tried to convince myself that I had a plan after school but the reality is I don’t. Sort of. I don’t have a fall-back plan. I don’t have a source of money to beg for. I used to before and the collateral was guilt. Now I can’t even offer my soul for anything so I have no choice but to try and make shit work in my life. Trying to make a plan to deal with this kind of predicament seems like the logical foundation for getting through, but for me it simply complicates things.

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