Ass Gasket…

If any of you have seen the movie ‘Mr. Bean’ you’ll know what I mean when I talk about the scene where he goes into the bathroom and tries to dry off his crotch area with the hand blow dryers. Funny thing, that happened to me years ago. I was in the Auburn Supermall when like most normal people I had to use the restroom. That day I was wearing khaki colored slacks, tucked in shirt, etc etc. When I went to wash my hands the damn faucet had some issues and sprayed water directly below the belt. It wasn’t just a drop or two, it was a gush of water. Obviously I couldn’t walk out of the mall restroom with the appearance that I don’t know how to unzip my fly to use the toilet so I did what any man would do. I air humped the blow dryer. It was about chest high and all I could really do was thrust my pelvis into the airstream. Of course men of all ages walked in and surprisingly it seemed as if they completely understood. There was no crazy awkwardness. A few minutes later, all was well and the only consequence was that the girl I was with thought I might have had to drop a hefty deuce given the time I was in there.

Today, I was reminded of a struggle I have with a lot of people. A LOT. I went in to a truck stop restroom to partake in some morning rituals. As crazy as it sounds, [some] trucks stops are meticulously maintained yet I will always use an ass gasket or strips of paper to protect my ass-ets… Well, I went through the trouble of tearing one out of the dispenser, broke the perforations and carefully set in place over the porcelain donut of relief. I turned around to prepare for the mission at hand and the damn automatic flush obliterated my handiwork… Swoosh, the ass gasket was gone. Are you kidding me? Do you realize how much of a pain in the ass those things are to get out and set into place?

Finally, I was sitting there checking some Facebook and Twitter feeds when it hit me. It wasn’t the food either. I’ve been eating quite healthy lately. What struck me as funny is I get the same frustrating feeling with people all the time. Whether I call a technical support line, talk to a girl or even pass time conversing with a random stranger there is something I find in common. People either jump to conclusions too soon or they don’t let me get my ‘deuce’-cents in.

This idea goes back to people being generally self-centered. We all want to be correct in our own skin. I get it. But sometimes we have to humble ourselves, take a chill pill and don’t pull the trigger too soon. I play both sides of the coin here. Sometimes I get antsy and jump to conclusions as well. The lesson I learned this morning in the stall of a Love’s travel plaza is that sometimes we have to slow down and take a deep breath. Let things happen and when shit doesn’t work as expected, laugh about it and lay another ass gasket down.

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