The last few years of my life has come down to this. Nothing crazy, nothing dramatic. Just an uneventful departure from a life I wasn’t really even living. Tomorrow I leave for California to finalize some school details and hopefully find an apartment and a few other job options in case one or the other doesn’t quite do what I need. During my almost religious walk from 7-11 with a green tea in hand, I look out one more time over the water. I took a half second to pause and realize that as hard as I’m not admitting it is, leaving is the best thing I can do right now. It’s not even this town, or this county or even state. Washington is a beautiful place with tons of opportunity. Owning up to the demons that have been haunting me since moving here as a kid is a priority.
We left California on a Friday and I started school on a Monday. I was only nine and had no idea how to handle it. I cried, kids made fun of me and ever since I couldn’t escape the self ridicule for not being able to tackle life changes. Friends were hard to come by. I grew up not being allowed to trust people and it was second nature to form conclusions about others before having a chance to know them. A caveat to that, I’ve learned in life to give people the benefit of the doubt and I find myself screwed more often than not. I’ve got to learn a balance between the two. Anyways, I’ve never liked it here in this town. Even when I had the restaurant the asshole mayor would come in and make me feel like I was in some sort of horror movie where you know you’re just not welcomed in a town. I have a handful of friends that I appreciate more than I can express but their life is theirs. I fear that my actions of leaving will imply a distaste for the people who support me, but I assure them it’s not. It’s for something better.
That being said, I paused again looking at the water as I walked down to the boat… I realized something else. I looked at my phone and saw nothing. I switched to my trading account and see that my positions are neutral for now. Switching back to the home screen, still… Nothing. It’s been hitting me time and time again but this time I’m going to say it. No one cares. I know people care about me as a person. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m saying is that no one cares where I’m at, what I’m doing, what I’m thinking or what I’m wanting at this very moment. It’s not a fault I’m implying on anyone. Everyone has their own lives and I respect that fully. My point of saying this is that for so long in my life I’ve been trying to live as if there was always someone on the other end of that phone, or the other end of my hand that is walking beside me. No one saying ‘stop, wait for me…’ Pipe dreams…
Reminds me of meeting a girl long ago who entertained a thought I had about selling off everything and traveling the US in an RV. I was smitten not for the idea of an intimate relationship but of the fact that someone else might actually have the balls to do such a thing. Of course, the next day I called her up and she had to be reminded of what exactly we were talking about… It was like talking to a brick wall.
That’s a drastic example but the idea is that I don’t want obligations in my life. I don’t want someone to feel obligated to feel a certain way about me simply because it may seem that I’m the one in need. I don’t want to be pandered. I don’t want someone to read this and tell me things out of sympathy. I want something to be real. Undeniably real. In light of all this, what I’m doing myself is in fact real. I’m going to try and start a life (again) for the right reasons. I’m more free than I’ve been in a long time and in regards to someone else coming in to my life, when it happens all this will no longer be just for me.
I have a story to be written and walking along the same waterfront for the past twenty four years waiting for that voice to call out to me is no way to live a life. I’ve got a long way to go, and people have a lot of judgement yet to pass on me, but one day I’ll be sitting on my porch telling those big fish stories that just might be true.