Emptiness…

In ’04 when I decided to join the Army, all of my possessions fit in the back of a small Mazda pickup truck. Even then, I probably had too much crap that I didn’t need to deal with. My life was at a bare minimum in every aspect. I had broken up with the girlfriend a handful of months before and left the house without a heck of a lot of stuff. My rebound cleaned me out of anything of worth that I had left. I went from an eighty thousand a year job to collecting garbage through a temp agency. I packed my stuff in a four foot cubed storage unit and walked to the greyhound station with one single backpack and headed to basic training. Every friendship, relationship and acquaintance I ever had in my life took on a whole new meaning at that point. My new life would start right then.

It’s truly an indescribable feeling when you live your life with so many comforts and ‘things’ and within a blink of the eye it’s all gone. Regardless of whose choice it was, it’s really a scary place.

I rebuilt a life I didn’t know that I didn’t want. I made E5 in two years, formed relationships with people that will never escape me, acquired more of those ‘things’ that made my life so comfortable and gained the moderate respect I needed to build a successful business out of literally nothing. My downward spiral started out of control in the kitchen of my restaurant on a busy day…

Everything I worked for meant nothing. I wanted it gone… At any expense. I sacrificed the good name of my business to escape one of the worst mistakes I think I ever made. The actions of the buyers keep remnants of the business nipping at my heels. It’s really annoying at times. The appearance of failure is well within view of those who know little of my journey.

Today was a peculiar day for me. I woke up with the overwhelming feeling that I really need to move on. Though I’ve been living a good life recently, the stress of everything crept up on me this week at the most inopportune time. My body is retaliating from the stress and my demeanor is not what it should be. Though I’m overly gracious of the experiences I’ve had in my life, I’m more than disappointed with where it’s gotten me.

I rented a u-haul van and began to filter through all my crap. A 10 x 10 storage unit was filled to the brim. I literally had to push things in while I closed the door. Every time I opened it, I felt sick. Luckily, a saint at the rental place gave a referral to someone who buys storage units and ‘stuff’ from just about anyone. I was going to donate all my stuff but I got a whole two hundred bucks for everything from clothes, to power strips to anything that was doing me absolutely no good. All I have left is a pile of paperwork that I need to find a way to burn and some general personal goods that I’ll deal with hauling wherever I go next.

The joy of ridding myself is overwhelming. The feeling of emptiness is something I ignored until now. Even if I would have gotten ten grand for all my stuff, I would feel the same way I do right now. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I’m scared to death right now. Being that this feeling is nothing new at all, I can’t wait until the next step.

I wake up in the morning with nothing but junk emails and Facebook notifications of random comments or updates of those in the social circle. I’ve had to deny what makes me happy out of my own sick pride. It’s time for me to go.

With the gloom of my unexplainable emotions right now and right before I decided to write, I got a call about someone wanting my boat. After my excitement mellowed, I realized that’s it… No one cares if I go or stay. I know I have dear friends that would do what they could to help, but this is something a bit different for me. Trying to live for something when you are squeezed out to nothing is a bit odd. Once the boat is gone, I have no choice but to move on.

All that being said, I know this is one of the times in my life that I will never forget. I may be making the same mistake I’ve made before, but at least I’m moving forward. At least I have the ability to do just about anything I damn well please…