This weekend was the last day for one of the managers of the lumber store I work at. The consensus was that he was an irrational, over emotional wreck with some growth to do as a manager. As a human being he erred. Something that struck me as peculiar is when a customer came in and was talking about his impending departure from the store. Funny guy as he was, he was being quite rude about how he felt about this guy leaving. The snide remarks and condescending attitude towards him was pretty obvious. As this manager was taking these anti-compliments he glanced over and gave him a look of disgust. He knew what was being said and made a conscious effort to let it go. Truth is he had a ‘suspicion’ that he was being mocked. I didn’t like it.
This has made me think of something that has happened in my life quite often. I grew up with the notion that insecurity was a way a life. I was raised to not trust anyone. Though I can’t rely completely on the premise that my issues come from childhood trauma, this is one aspect of my life that I have come to understand quite well. It’s not in my nature to be untrusting of others. Sadly, I don’t trust many… Quite a personal contradiction.
I always thought my first girlfriend was cheating on me. Long story short, she was. I walked in on her with another guy. I was young and didn’t know any better so I let it go. Next girlfriend… Same thing. It was confirmed by her actually. I was given shit so often about my ‘hunches’ and was told I’m being stupid about things. Next girlfriend…. You guessed it, same thing. Tonight isn’t a night that I have the motivation to expand on these situations but it was pretty cut and dry. Over the years I’ve noticed how people will not only blatantly lie about things, but the bullshitting comes more often that it think it should.
As much as I don’t really give a shit about what people think of me, I really do. And as anti-social as I may seem to some, I want to be a part of people’s lives more than I am. My hunches about girls cheating on me have come true. My hunches about people talking shit about me seem to come true as well. Where I stand with other people is pretty apparent to me, just as my now ex-manager knew where he stood with others. I’m trying to clean the slate on my life and will be able to start anew. Hopefully this time around I can avoid drama. Being honest and outright about how I feel will be more of a bedrock of who I want to become. I’m not expecting people to come out and tell me what they really feel about me, I’m going to hold certain people a little more accountable when a commitment is made…