I’ve met so many people in my life that have had a huge impact on me in their own way. Through all my time traveling and moving around the country I’ve realized some similarities with a lot of people in my life. They were only meant to be there for a specific period of time and that was it. I also realize that I am quite possibly the same for others. We all may have mixed expectations when it comes to desires to be in someone else’s life but the end result always ends up the way it was supposed to be. I think of Private Horn, who was my roommate in AIT at Fort Leonard Wood. He was an extremely depressed kid who couldn’t pass the PT test to save his life. I tried to help him as much as I could, motivating him to get up in the morning and sometimes even eating. He bought me a hardcover Dean Koontz book as a graduation present. Oddly one of the best gifts I had ever been given. Some time after I moved on to Fort Bragg he became one of the casualties of suicide. Not quite sure how to handle that one…
For that timeframe in my life, I was able to spend it with someone who I could connect with in an odd fashion. We kept each other aligned with the day to day tasks and reminded each other of the light at the end of the tunnel. Thinking back, I wish I could have been more of a friend to him and maybe he would have seen his true worth. Either way, I was there for whatever he needed at that point in his life, and he was there for me.
Up to present day, there are a lot of people that come and go. Some people I have tried to hold on to a connection with and they seem to have a different perspective than I do. I feel betrayed, bullshitted or pandered on a regular basis. I’m wondering if I should simply quit trying and assume that although I would enjoy more company of certain people, they are using me for a need they have to fill at the particular point in their life.
I’ve been told I read into things too much. Its a little hard not to though when I try to be a genuine person yet people still aren’t satisfied. I always feel like I’m imposing on someone else’s life. Just as I expect people to respect my bubble at times, I try to respect other’s space as well. Reality is, sometimes I need someone in my bubble. Someone to remind me of a purpose. I’m moderately satisfied with the fact that since I can’t have all of someone in particular, I’ll take bits and pieces of as many as I can right now. I’m going to sit back in my life for now and see what comes my way. I can no longer hold my hand out for someone to grab on to only to see them walk away.