Amanda…

Tonight I wanted to try something a little bit different. It’s been quite a while since I’ve written in my personal journal so I decided I would share what I wrote tonight along with a typed entry… In my own unedited handwriting. Enjoy…

When I bought my Harley it was for me and no one else. I spent one too many days deployed in a war for the most ridiculous reasons anyone could really come up with. It was a treat to myself for everything I did trying to get to the next level in my life. When I came home to open a restaurant it was my dream. My goal. Thing is, I was doing it for others. The major motivating factor in why I decided to sell my bike as well as my restaurant is that no one really cares. I mean, I got a lot of pats on the back and atta boys for doing what I did but I never once felt like what I was doing was being appreciated by anyone else except my pipe dreams of what it would have accomplished if I would have stuck with it. I would go home at night with an occasional piece of ass that was really only giving it up because of the apparent money that I was making. I didn’t really mind it much. Just as the stereotypical ‘old man’ doesn’t care if his twenty year old girlfriend is only after his money, at least he was getting something that men half his age could only dream about.

The extreme depression I was faced with while having my restaurant was nipping at my heels. I had no one to back me up and no one to wake up to saying ‘let’s do this!’ My worth to anyone else was about as good as nothing when I couldn’t give anyone what I would barely want to give myself. Holding on to the Harley was a bit of a subconscious idea that someday soon things would turn around for me. Maybe someone would come into my life and actually want to be a part of something with me and not just a cookie cutter relationship. If someone did, maybe I could consider settling down somewhere and starting a life that ‘we’ could be proud of. I’d be up for that whole compromising bit and even give up some of my freedoms for someone who wanted to prove they were not only worth it, but that actually cared about a relationship with me.

Today marked a change that I have to make for myself. Getting rid of ‘stuff’ and getting rid of the past. I’ve done it and it’s time to dance. I hate the notion of having to make the next move in my life alone but I guess it won’t be all that bad. Will it?

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