The Game…

I’m horrible at the game of dating. It truly is a game. Just like a porn has a typical plot, dating has specific steps that must be taken otherwise it just doesn’t work out right. I mean, how horrible would a porn be if the facial came before anything else? No fun right?…

Even if you claim to have never watched it, the process is pretty darn close to having sex in real life. I mean dating… First it’s playful petting, then a little heavier foreplay, kissing maybe, fondling… Onward to clothes coming off, awkward realizations that she’s not a full C-Cup and his erection is a mere four inches… Next you move on to actual intercourse making sure that each of you gets some sort of enjoyment and maybe she’ll have an orgasm. She’ll probably fake it because she’s getting really tired of being sweat on by the guy’s fat-ass. Once she realizes that nothing in hell is going to get her off, she prompts him to blow his load. It’s the moment he’s been waiting for! Just to end the comedy and misery of the entire act, she even offers to take it in the face! Blam! He’s done! A flood of relief comes when his entire body goes limp and he plops down on top of her as if he’s just conquered Mt. Vesuvius. She pretends to flush and coo giving him an ego boost although she’s probably just fantasizing about the much taller, in-shape ex-boyfriend that she was railing just a few weeks before. Even with that, she just may fall in love with the apparent emotional connect she thinks they just had. Hell, the guy may even fall in love because he realizes that if he can keep her strung along, he’ll get a piece of ass anytime he wants… because they’re ‘in love.’ Even though a piece of him feels so much less attraction now that the influence of un-ejaculated semen is out of his system.

The problem with the above scenario is that all to often (more so in new relationships) is that one person has put in so much time and effort, they don’t realize the consequences of what they’ve just done. We are sexual beings and let’s not deny that the majority of younger and single people pretty much want something for pure physical fulfillment. It may be sex up to the orgasm, it may simply be the cuddling that we all rightfully enjoy. Either way, just like a porn, the order of operations must abide by those rules otherwise people get all bent out of shape.

Now, I’m going to refrain from translating all that into dating-speak. If you don’t understand my correlations it’s probably a good thing for you. The less you know, the better off you’ll probably be.

About dating… I’m a little non-traditional. I can’t stand the process. I especially can’t stand other guys that play the manipulative game only to leave the girls left out to dry… This leaves them jaded and makes the game even harder to play because you have to figure out the mind-fucking they’ve received from their past.

“Do they dress like sluts because they want to fuck, or is that their way of attracting classy guys?”

I don’t date much. I have good reasons why. I’m also not ashamed to say I’ve resorted to the internet to find prospective dates. It’s all the same. Mis-communicated expectations outshine anything else that should factor into the mix. Some people want to get married, some want to date casually, some want a plain-ol’ fuck buddy. Where I see the problem lie is pretending to want something else just to get what you want from the other person. This goes for men and women. Refraining from examples…

The biased and judgmental side of me would like to point out that women are confusing as hell and need to quit being such bitches.

I did a little experiment on one of my online dating profiles. I don’t get a lot of responses so I wanted to see what would change that. I simply changed my height to six feet. Holy cow! It was within hours that I had too many messages to respond to! Since I’m not stunning and muscular I decided to find some European model guy for my profile pic while putting complete bullshit in the ‘about me’ section.

‘Looking for someone to control and manipulate while I secretly have an affair with your sister…’

Even with that ridiculous statement, women responded! Of course a few battled back against that comment, but nonetheless they responded.

So back to the real ‘me.’ … crickets chirping… no response from anyone except the anomalous serial online dater who writes ‘you’re hot.’

This informal experiment worked as expected in the online world. My hypothesis is that it would work in the real world as well. Problem is, I can’t morph into a six foot tall douchebag with fat, er.. muscle bulging out of my two sizes too small t-shirt. I can be a dick to girls but who likes a short guy that’s a dick? Can you say ‘Napoleon Complex?’

All I can judge this on is the general observation that naivety falls for manipulation and self-preservation gives way to ignorance.

Fat, skinny, wholesome, slut, blonde, brunette… it doesn’t matter. Someone is always out of someone else’s league. We all want what we can’t have and sometimes that sucks. Sometimes we want to ride the sexy crotch rocket and not the moped. (insert joke about your friends catching you ride a moped…)

I’ve realized that if I have to change who I am or be uncomfortable in my skin she’s probably not worth it, so why try? I’ve been on a fair number of ‘dates’ lately and probably would have been better off borrowing someone’s dog for a day or two and going for a hike. (no, not to hook up with the dog you dirty pervert). I got the hint that she didn’t like me for whatever reason and it went stagnant. Cool though right? I could just forgo the aspiration of dating and just have a good time with someone. Nope… doesn’t work…

I don’t do well with the typical ‘getting to know you’ shit when it comes to dating. A girl can be beautiful but I hate saying it as if it’s part of the plot. If she likes me more because I try and flatter her does it make our connection that much stronger? Maybe I should filter what I say sometimes. I have a kid and because of the situation it appears that I’m a dead-beat dad. Dense skulls are hard to penetrate so once I see the eyes glaze over during my explanation I file these people in the same area of respect that I keep a select few other people. (it’s not a good place). Once I realize that a prospective girlfriend has no compassion, understanding or consideration for a different life that I live, she’s about as good to me as a fleshlight and a tube of IcyHot.

When I find the right person for me, I’ll make it amazing. I promise her that. Until then, I can’t bring myself to waste time while I’m being played just like the white-brimmed-sunglass-wearing douchebag is doing to her at the same time. If that’s what she likes, I’m so not her man!

The dead-beat dad thing is lingering huh? Stay tuned…



2 comments on “The Game…

  1. As a woman, I felt like I should comment on this:
    “The biased and judgmental side of me would like to point out that women are confusing as hell and need to quit being such bitches.”
    You’re absolutely right. We ARE confusing, and bitches. And crazy- Sheldon Cooper says it perfectly “Bitches be crazy” (Lol). But seriously, you make some good points- I speak for myself obviously, but I do feel jaded and therefore become bitchier every time I date. Not cool to take my past experiences out on the whatever sucker I’m dating at the time. I hate that I do it, but yet I continue to grow the bitch side of me…

    Also- “I’ve realized that if I have to change who I am or be uncomfortable in my skin she’s probably not worth it, so why try?” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

    • Phew!… When I saw the first few lines on my phone as a preview of your comment I thought, ‘oh great, I pissed someone off already…’ 🙂 glad you agree with me though. Obviously every situation will be different but I felt like highlighting some constants that I have in my life, or as I see it…

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