A Semi-Dark Place…

On the way home from work tonight I had a strange urge to entertain some dark places. The weather turned ugly today and gave me some motivation for some reason. A warm and windy sandstormy day. As I wound down for the evening I’ve pondered some things that I try to avoid. I avoid these thoughts because its usually frowned upon to be openly pissy about things too much. ‘Cheer up’ says the one who has no idea what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes… ‘Don’t be so grumpy’ says the one who lies to themselves about how mundane their life really is… ‘Don’t be so negative’ says the one who ignores their problems by pointing out how everyone else can fix theirs so easily…

Some people disgust me. Some really disappoint me. A few amaze me. I wonder sometimes why I compare myself to some people. The longer I know someone, the more I’m disappointed. I think I’ve figured out why. It’s not their fault.

The route of example I’ll use for sake of simplicity is the relationships I see people in. I know of some really amazing people. Truly wonderful people. One on one they are my ‘cup of tea.’ Male, female, whatever.

Fools really do rush in.

I’ve resorted to the idea that if I want a relationship with anyone, I have to start truly living for myself. That being said, I see other people get into ‘relationships’ and it sickens me. This goes for both genders. I’ll speak of women here simply because as most guys can relate, it sucks to be the ‘nice guy’ that not only finishes last but to be the friend who ends up seeing the wreckage go down in flames.

As I’m writing this I think of countless women that I know in my life that have absolutely no idea what their worth is, and they throw it away for some self-absorbed, insecure, titty-sucking, demeaning douche-bag. Sure, they’re nice guys on the surface but really? You’re dating ‘him?’ Give me a fucking break! You can do better… Really, you can.

Juvenile as the above paragraph is, it leads into something more. For whatever reason, people don’t seem to realize their worth. People live their lives not only incapable of realizing how special they really are, they are groomed by society to play a part in the suppression of expression and advancement of the human race. On a micro level, people don’t realize how much better their own lives can be if they could break out of their complacency and resignation for mediocrity. I may be less disappointed as well.

I run into people and get to know a select few on a level that I don’t take for granted. I have one particular person in my life that I think is absolutely amazing and wonderful and beautiful. We go out, and it never fails. Some horse molesting creeper seems to find his way into the situation and confesses his awe of her presence and sucks all levels of meaningful connection out of our interaction. At least for me.

Irresponsible people throw the words ‘beautiful’ and ‘I Love You’ (amongst others) out there without fully appreciating what it’s supposed to mean. Given this oddity of the ignorance I find myself surrounded by, I refrain from communicating how I feel. I simply become ‘one of them’ and my words carry less worth. Just as my friend goes home to her careless, cheating boyfriend when the night is done, people at all levels in my life find their way home at the end of the day into situations absolutely less than intriguing.

Anything I might be able to say or express to someone else seems to fade out into a dense fog of confusion just as the Peanuts teacher says ‘wa waa wa wa’ to the kids in school.

My blogs mean less than I hope for my readers, just as my words have little real impact on people in my life but I have faith that something along the way might click and someone, anyone, may take heed to the message I’m trying to get across.

I don’t care who you are or what role you play in my life, there is something more. Something amazing. It could be right under your nose. It could also be a thousand miles away. It’s not about leaving the person you’re with or burning bridges, it’s about living on a level you’ve never thought possible. Money or status plays no part in this life I’m talking about. No one should be given the opportunity to hold down your heart when they’ve done nothing to prove themselves worthy. You have to regain control of who you are and what you can really do with your time here. If someone you know finds a way to keep you from spreading your wings because of their invalidated reasonings, it’s time to set the wheels in motion. Get going.

Sometimes I feel bad that my life is so easy. Though I’ve got some demons deep deep down, I plainly confess my modesty. Dare I wish for some life changing event to change my approach? I’ve been there, done that and I can’t wait for what’s next. I just hope that when I die, I can look back on my life and say it was worth it. As I write this I severely question why I’m guilty of doing absolutely nothing with my life right now. I’ve got too much stuff, not enough friends and you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a piece of ass?


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