Not yet alive…

I so badly wanted to write something worthwhile tonight but I’m finding myself a little short on motivation. I feel like a sloth basking in the shady sun of a rain forest… Do sloths even live in rain forests? Maybe you get my drift.

I’ve written about her before but I miss my sailboat, Turtle. The last time I went to check up on her I forgot to leave open some vents and it was quite musty inside. The smell was thick and the wood was faded. The moisture in the air was overwhelming and the mess I left behind was quite depressing. I remembered the days a few years ago when I sat out on a warm summer afternoon sanding and varnishing the few wood accents she has. Beer within arms reach was all I needed. Gus the Herron would even stroll by as if nothing was out of the ordinary. This was my life. The debts of life had little effect on me. The guilt ran deep but the sheer strength of what a simple life can do took me away from any stress I ever had.

I’m planning my next move to a place where I think I can truly enjoy myself. I may not have Turtle but I’m hoping I can find my sanity once again. It’s a place where I don’t really care if anyone calls me or not. I will have no worries if friends come through with their promises. Though I want to live for something greater, I vow to do everything I can to spend my free time enjoying everything this world has to offer instead of being holed up in a landlocked depressing state of affairs. Money won’t be my driving factor as long as I can eat and live to a reasonable standard.

Sometimes I think autocorrect is trying to tell me something. In the previous paragraph I tried to write ‘live’ but ‘love’ came out instead. Ultimately this is my goal. I want to love without reservations. No expectations and no guilt. Someone that may be by my side will get all of me, if I can have all of them. I want to dance again. Not some freaky salsa slash grinding variation, but actual dance. I want to make something with someone for each other, for ourselves and for anyone who dares to watch.

I have to make it through the next several months. I know I will and I don’t doubt my abilities but I don’t want is to lose sight of what my happiness really is. If I lose it, what else will I really have to offer? I’m tired of being grumpy and confined in my life. I’m tired of being tired. I know what it’s like to come alive and I miss it.

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