I’ve written before about being consumed by life. See ‘consumption.’ Back then, there was a bit more on my table than there is now but strangely there is a common feeling between now and then. Things are slightly out of my control right now. I’m at the mercy of decisions I’ve made to have faith in other people. My dignity is at risk because I may find myself stooping to a level that I haven’t been since I was in my late teens. I’m preparing myself for a confrontation with the machine of mediocrity. My impending job search will be in competition with others (some not all) who have managed to bullshit their way through educational and life experiences. Not that I’m Mr. experienced-in-everything, but I’m learning the true meaning of ‘wet behind the ears’ and how stupid I must have looked when I thought I knew everything at twenty-one.
I’ve had a few situations in recent time where I hoped I could influence someone to make a change to better their life. Why don’t people listen? Who cares? I truly do care for people and want them to make good decisions for themselves, but I guess a part of my quest to help others is more about me than I’d care to admit. Does that make it less sincere or less important? I sure hope not. I’m really not trying to gain anything or expect a payback of any sorts for succeeding at helping someone out. That last sentence was really obnoxious. I guess my recent thoughts are simply that there is more to my motivation for things than simply egotistical ‘friend-being.’
I have been consumed with a life that I hope to understand soon. Again, this concept is something that this blog project is meant to uncover with the hopes that I’ll create something good for at least someone, if not me.
I’m writing this hodgepodge of stuff tonight because I’m trying to get out of the mode of bitching and complaining all the time. Until I can find a way to center myself I have to be vague to avoid a literary aneurism.
I spent a good portion of my evening after work packing some stuff up to get ready for the next move…. Ugh… Back to the dorms. It’s a sad place really. Sort of refinished military barracks that are in slightly better condition than the barracks that were part of the scandal at Fort Bragg for being almost unlivable. Aside from the community showers, thin walls and inconsiderate neighbors, I’m looking forward to it. I’ll have my own space again. Sans an inclusive kitchen and bathroom, I’ll have a version of personal space that I seem to take for granted when I have it. The silver lining behind this decision to move back to the dorms is that when this next quarter is done I will have no choice but to make yet again, the next move. If I don’t quite have enough to relocate and take care of all my crap, I may squat for a few weeks in a comfy place and rid myself of extra baggage before hitting the road.
That simple plan is, if I do it alone… There’s a potentially wonderful twist to my plans and regardless of what happens, it will definitely be more than blog worthy… Stay tuned.