Random attempt…

As it seems to go lately, I can’t seem to get a grip on my own personal reality lately. My countdown has begun and I’m finding ways to get myself ready for what I hope is something really good… The anticipation is killing me…

That being said, here is one of my favorite ‘journal’ entries from 2009. It takes place on the waterfront of Port Orchard, WA. I hope I haven’t already posted this in this blog project… Enjoy

So it’s that time again… I am in the mood to pour out my soul but I don’t know if I can do it right now. We’ll see. So I’m sitting here at the waterfront where I sat when I was a kid when I would go for a bike ride. I would look out over the water and wonder what was in store for the future. I would have never imagined it would be what it is today. Would I change it? Hell fuckin yes! Sort of at least. There is a lot of intrinsic things I have accomplished and some fairly monumental things as well. I once dreamed about a fantastic life as a benevolent business owner with eclectic taste and undying compassion to help those who worked for it. Well, I’m a business owner at least now… haha… I sometimes wonder what I really could have done differently as I sit here looking out at the same lights I saw 15 years ago. The lights were my future. I wanted bigger and better things. Funny thing… As I sit here I want the same thing…. Something better.

There is a lot about me that no one will probably ever find out. There are things I am shameful of that I have done as well as some things that could quite possibly have changed someone’s world. My writing has fallen off in the past many years. There wasn’t an exact time or place; it has been a gradual change in emotion as I write what’s in my heart. I saw an awesome slogan for Starbucks today… It struck a nerve with me and refreshed some feelings I have been oppressing lately. “This is what coffee tastes like when you pour your heart into it”. It is true for everything in this life. I am sickened sometimes at the lack of heart that people put into this life. Normalcy fills our hearts with content and we forget about everything amazing that could happen at the tip of our fingertips, or our tongues. We settle for second best (or third or fourth) and we make ourselves OK with that. I am in fact guilty of that which I bitch and moan about but I’m trying to address it, if even to myself as an avenue for a more positive outcome. I find myself always waiting for someone else… No matter what it is. If I were to ask my closest friends to change the world with me they would, except they need to make a few phone calls before they leave their ez-chairs. Metaphorically speaking that is. I am therefore forced to wait upon them or simply go it alone. Well, ya know what? It’s really fucking boring to go alone in this world. I say good riddance to the nay-sayers and ‘peace out’ to the ones that are scared to get up and move. It is a long road for sure and I have nothing to show for what I am doing in my life but at least I am doing it… albeit alone…

I have shared a few insights of my life to some people. There is still a lot I haven’t shared. What is it? Well, words can only express so much. Actions merely speak louder than the words that express so much. The insatiable fire that lies within us will tell the story of a thousand lifetimes. Then again, the dying embers that lie within some of us will tell a story of fantastic lives pushed aside for the sake of weakness and sorrow. Some of us chase the dreams of celebrities and debutantes without fully understanding what it is we are chasing. Some say giving your life to charity is performing ‘gods work’… I say, giving too much to charity is allowing someone else to be lazy. Give what you can to others but do not forget that there is an ultimate place we are all trying to go. We can be going to Heaven or Hell or even Never Never Land… regardless of our final destination we shouldn’t forget the fundamentals of why we are living the life we barely understand. All too many times we ignore the opportunities that present themselves regardless of how bad we think the timing is. This life we live is not for ourselves, it is for others… Others that we may not even know yet. We shall act upon our instinct and our heart rather than rationale. We have all rationalized ourselves into normalcy and complacency at one time or another. Stop that shit already…

Get some rest… Tomorrow is a new day… we all have a book to write. Though many people could care less what’s in their book, I care what’s in mine. I would however like to be mentioned in someone else’s book at least seventeen times that is…

As for anyone that I walk with in this world, it’s ok if you go your separate way… If you don’t like it when things are bad, well then I guess you probably wouldn’t appreciate it when things are good. I have never taken a soul for myself. I have however, seen and felt what it means to have someone do everything possible to bear their entire soul to me because they knew I would take care of it when they gave it to me. Problem is, they were afraid of what was next. They had no idea what was next. It’s funny how history repeats itself over and over again. Part of me expressing my feelings here are an attempt to figure out what the hell I am missing.

My silence in person is not entirely a social defect. It is my awareness to myself that certain words and conversations are a waste of time and an insult to careful navigation through this life. I am not implying that any one person in my life has wasted my time but certain avenues that are taken with conversations are pointless. If not to others, to me. I have no need to be pandered. If you don’t agree with the business we are partaking in, then fucking tell me damnit. If you’re not sure what my reaction will be, don’t pussyfoot around… either tell me and get it over with or move on with your bad self. And by all means, do not try to make me feel guilty. I’m having a hard enough time erasing all the games in my life that are played with guilt. It is one of the most terrible emotions to have.

Once again I have managed to accomplish nothing by writing all of this except for a reflection piece a few years down the road so I can ask myself “What the fuck was that?”

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