So I’m back in Seattle for the afternoon, and it’s raining. Go figure. I guess the rain wouldn’t be so bad if I had a cozy house to go to with a warm fire, maybe some hot coffee or chocolate, and a reason to stay in. Maybe this whole being single thing has really worn on me over the years. As much as I wouldn’t want to admit it openly, I’m getting a little anxious to try and start a family. My big disclaimer is that I don’t want to settle. When I was in the military, I lived my life knowing that it was better off being single. Not for the sake of being able to sleep around, but if I’m going to commit to someone, they deserve a lot more than a military lifestyle can give them. Now that I’m out in civilian life, I constantly think of how I can create a life that would be supportive of a wife, kids etc. Problem here is that I don’t know how to be anything different than just a friend. I don’t fully understand the purpose of ‘dating’ someone. Everything about it seems so cliche. I pursue those who I have a strong affinity for in hopes that I don’t have to deal with the game of courting someone. As soon as I get the hint that I’m merely a friend to someone, I want to gracefully bow out but I can’t find it inside me to give up on my feelings that easily. Friends are great, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think many of us (single folk) can deny the shitty feeling we get when after its all said and done, we are the ones going home with nothing but a hope that someone will come knocking on our door as we hesitantly seek solace in our own personal guilty pleasures. Of course it’s not just anyone that we want. It’s something specific. We play out a scenario in our head about how perfect a situation would be if someone else would simply reciprocate what you’re feeling. Of course when nothing happens its merely a lesson learned. Get knocked down and try again right?
I don’t want to say I’ve given up on people. Maybe I’ve given up on my own personal understanding of how things work in this social structure. I think way too much, and I’ve realized that I’ve put the odds out of my favor by treating things the way I do. If I can get close enough to someone, I like to leave a mark. I try to be modest in my life and I don’t like to take credit for something I don’t think I deserve, but I’ve been told over and over again how much I’ve impacted someone’s life. I’m also told more so about the apparent wall that I put up when they try to get to me. It’s not an intentional game that I play, but I think if someone is willing to understand what I’m really about and not crucify me for doing what I do, then I’ll do anything for them. I’ve let my guard down way too many times for people that wanted something different. Is not easy to trust people after so much betrayal.
I’m also a bit hesitant because my last relationship style girlfriend killed herself shortly after we broke up. I don’t claim to be that good, but the guilt trip is enough to humble someone quite a bit more than a simple kick in the junk.
No one knows how badly I want more out of a relationship. I’m painfully loyal but I have grown to be unafraid to erase my feelings… On my terms that is. My forgiving nature gets me in trouble as well. I get stood up more times than I ever thought someone would in ten lifetimes, yet I find a way to push it aside and look for the good.
I don’t hold a grudge against anyone for having different desires in their life. Even if they want to date someone of the same sex. Someone especially important and special in my life did just that. She’s an amazing person and I will be writing a blog about her very soon. To an outsider it may seem a bit odd that a person of interest in my past ends up turning to the complete other end of the spectrum. The openness of this person I talk about is what keeps me from having any hurt ego about the situation. As for a second person in my life that decided she liked women more than men, I have little respect for. My lack of respect isn’t because of her choice of sexual preference, it’s for her refusal to admit in an open line of communication about how she feels. What’s the point? If anything I make myself feel better about it knowing that I purposely didn’t give her what I knew she wanted, so maybe she felt she couldn’t do any better.
I didn’t really intend to write this blog about ‘being single’ still. Oh pity me right? It’s what I am at the moment and as whiny as it always seems to be when people bitch about being single, it’s what consumes my mind all to much. I’ve had my fun in the past. I’ve experienced the superficial desires that a guy in his twenties secretly fantasizes about. It’s not really about the sex. It’s about the unconditional devotion that people choose to have to another. Awkwardness and insecurities aside, there’s a whole other world out there that has nothing to do with the ridiculous game people play like animals do in the wild. Learning to share moments of silence can be just as powerful as sharing moments of intense passion. I find it hard to be impressive to anyone, though it seems that it’s what people want. Knowing I suck at the whole game makes me care less about it. And that sucks because it reflects my attitude as if that’s how I feel about everything.