Shameful eyes…

Looking in to someone’s eyes can be the hardest thing for me to do sometimes. It’s not because I feel a shame of sorts to myself, but because I feel like I’m intruding into someone else’s soul. It’s my own nature to try and see what someone is feeling by the look in their eyes. I’m probably wrong most of the time about my assumptions so I will generally not allow myself to think anything of it. Thing is, I see sadness or despair in so many people. They may not even realize it, but it seems to be there.

There was a waitress tonight helping other tables (not ours), and every time she walked by I couldn’t help but wonder if her life is less than everything she wanted for herself. Maybe I’m just a creeper but her blank stare seemed a bit morbid until she looked directly at me. She’s a beautiful girl and all, but what struck me was the reaction she had as she looked at me. Assuming I wasn’t coming off as a creeper, it was a reaction of something exactly like I mentioned above. It’s as if I saw something inside her that she doesn’t want to expose and for whatever reason I saw it.

As much as I would like to write about the experience of looking into someone’s eyes and seeing great things, I am brought to the idea that too many of us are living lives less than extraordinary. For my situation in which I bitch about a lot, it’s really temporary. I’m in school and that’s about to change… What strikes me as disturbing is seeing people that are settled into their lives and live as if everything is ok. Some rough examples is the question of why a girl may stay with an abusive man, or maybe why a man settles for a less than worthwhile job, or maybe a young couple that decides to settle down in a less than safe neighborhood taking jobs that only barely pay the bills. It’s as if people get into a groove of sorts, get comfortable and content, and tuck themselves in for the long haul as if they are in for a long night of sitting on the couch watching movies. Except people are doing this for their entire lives.

The waitress tonight, along with so many other people I know in my life, I want to step in front of them, hold their head up and look them straight in the eyes and give them every reason to believe that there is something amazing that they can get out of life if they would only open themselves up to the possibilities. I realize that everyone has their own situation. I don’t know everyone’s story, and it really doesn’t matter. I find that people stay on a certain level of satisfaction in life because they don’t want to feel guilty leaving others ‘behind.’ Like the person that stays with a crappy job for ridiculous reasons such as ‘it pays well’ or ‘I’m good at what I do.’

Why not take a chance? We should all find a way to explore what makes life amazing. I’ve done a few things and I really can’t wait to keep doing more. I think of ballroom dancing a lot. I also think of SCA and how much fun it is to be a complete nerd about medieval history. Job experience? I’ve had almost forty jobs since I was 16 years old. I try to travel as much as I can. Whether my excuse is boredom, a date or simple vacation, I like to get away. I’ll drive for seven hours just to see a friend for an evening. Dare I mention my two Ireland vacations?

I guess my bloggish question for the night is if we could truly look someone in the eyes, understanding that they can see our souls, and admit that we are absolutely happy with the lives we are living. Or do we convince ourselves and others otherwise that we wouldn’t want anything more, even if for a moment. It’s one of my favorite things to find a way to reach inside someone and give them something they barely ever experience. Problem is its hard enough to find someone that’s willing to open themselves up for that time to experience it. If I had a rebuttal for someone not letting me in, I’d simply say ‘I don’t want you for my entire life, I simply want your entire life for right now.’ What do you say we forget about the world, take a walk and trust me to expose everything inside yourself so maybe you can see the worth in giving up the good for the great.

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