I just realized something tonight. I’m debt free. I don’t owe anyone a fucking thing. This may start off as one of those whiny ‘I’m all alone on valentines’ rants but there is some real merit to what I’m saying.
Truth is, for no obvious reason, today has been one of the best days I’ve had in a long time!
Tonight I go home with… No one. No one has made the choice to truly stand by me. That’s fine by me actually. I wouldn’t expect anyone that I have to beg to be there to actually be worth the effort. After a bit of a drive tonight I realized how lucky I am right now. I don’t have to answer to anyone and I don’t owe anyone anything. Granted I still owe monetary debts but the guilt of someone else not being repaid with something that causes so many problems is non-existent in my conscious. The kind of debt I’m talking about is owing something more important than money. I not in a committed relationship in which I owe my soul. Friends have stationed themselves at a distance from me and I feel pretty good about it. I did my time in this hell and I don’t feel bad about feeling this way.
I don’t think I’m owed anything either. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to give me anything for nothing. Anything I’ve ever done for anyone else has been repaid to me.
I’m at a point in my life where most people would relate to being financially debt free. I don’t have baggage. I don’t have unresolved issues. I’ve sold off my dreams and am starting at ground zero. I’m open to any possibility in my life but I won’t accept anything but extraordinary. Sort of. I have to accept the mediocre right now simply because of the lifestyle that I have immersed myself into. Beyond this life that I’m living though is where some good things can happen.
I fall into the trap of using financial wealth as a means of establishing my credibility. (Or lack thereof). Being surrounded by self centered, spoiled rotten, entitled rich kids makes me realize that I’m pretty damn proud of the trials I’ve endured in my life. My family is for all intensive purposes, well off. Financially that is. However my school is being payed for with the time I served in the military, my part time employment and a little bit of savings from a business that I started from ground zero. I get zero support from family. Any criticism I receive from one of these snot nosed, wet behind the ear kids is almost humorous to me. Anyways, the reason I went off about these kids is because the general attitude amongst a lot of the youth today is how money and status is the driving factor in our existence. The acquisition of money does not alleviate the debt that is created by the lack of contribution to the world in which we live. They’ve got a lot of work to do to command any sort of respect. Their attitudes is putting them in debt beyond their wildest imagination. It’s how I started to grow up.
I still owe a lot to my life and everyone involved. Time will take its toll and I will find a way to continue this payment. As for now, I’m not burdened with the constant pressure of feeling like I need to prove myself or establish credit. I’m not in the hole per-say.
I regards to valentines day, it’s a holiday that can be interpreted in so many ways. I’m not a fan of holidays anyways, but the mere fact that being ‘single’ is thrown in my face on this day, I tend to think of how much I could care less about this day. Realizing that I’m an open book makes me happy though. I think one reason I’m single is because I don’t have drama in my life to share with someone else’s drama. I try to immerse myself in the soap operas of others lives, but I can barely keep myself interested for any measurable length of time.
I know that if anyone that knows me personally reads this, I will get some unspoken criticism about how I don’t talk to my parents or family anymore. Yea yea… I get I it. Life is too short for grudges. Sometimes when you are finally able to free yourself from a creditor of your soul, it’s hard to go back knowing that you will be bound by guilt and judgement for the way you think about life. I’m simply not in the mood for explaining myself and don’t anticipate the desire right now. Once I have something solid in my life maybe I’ll find a way to connect with others in my life. Until then, I gotta take care of myself. Did I mention lately that this is my blog? Not yours?