Fire

I’ve fully realized tonight that its not worth living life doing something that you don’t absolutely love. Because of circumstances in my life, I’m able to take in just about anything and absorb experiences at face value. I’m fortunate that way. Though I’ve immersed myself in a life that is quite annoying right now, I’m still extremely open to possibilities. Part of my supposed motivation comes from my desire to find a partner in crime. The other part comes from something that I believe a lot of us don’t quite fully admit to ourselves. Love what you do.

I work part time right now at a lumberyard. I fully understand that it isn’t a long term gig at all. It’s something that gives me extra play money while I’m going to school. Being able to pay off bills is quite a benefit as well. It’s a fairly easy job, and I get along with just about everyone there. I can be sarcastic and a smart ass throughout the day. Generally the customers are pleasant and I can manage to get through the day without pissing someone off. Given that, I take my experience there for what it’s worth. I realized tonight while driving home that it sucks the life out of me. It’s nowhere close to what I want to do with my life. Why do I even waste my time there? I have to bring myself to reason on a regular basis and remember that it’s something to fill in the gap. Thing is, even with that, I have zero free time. During the week it’s school, homework, gym then sleep. The weekends is work, gym sleep. It’s becoming a poor habit really. I don’t feel good about my life at the end of the day. What am I going to do when school is done and I have to actually work for a living again? Starting at ground zero… Awesome.

One of the coolest slogans I’ve ever seen was a Starbucks billboard. It says something to the effect of “this is what coffee tastes like when you pour your heart into it.” I saw that when I had my restaurant open. It was an eye opening statement not just about having a business, but about life in general. When I go to work for my part time job right now, I obviously don’t pour my heart into it. End result, it does nothing for me or my soul. I’m accomplishing nothing. I making some old guy and his family richer. In just the half a year of working there while being a driver, loader and salesperson I’ve sold over one hundred grand of product. I get ten cents over minimum wage while also using my CDL to take deliveries for them. I digress. Though school is obviously not my career, the end result of what I’m doing could be worthwhile. I’m putting a fair amount of my heart into it. I feel pretty good about it.

Sometimes I hate myself for not having a better ‘plan’ in my life. If I would have done what my parents wanted me to do out of high school I would have been a Naval Officer possibly flying fighter jets with a family and some kids to boot. Since that plan changed because of my choice, I could have been an architect of some sort. Blah. Since that didn’t work, I was simply expected to just do whatever. I know what would look good, but none of it really made me happy and I couldn’t put my heart and soul into it. Since being in flight school I get a lot of input from people about how much money I could make and what I could do, blah blah blah. I have so many possibilities and opportunities. Tell me something I don’t know.

I’m constantly looking for a spark. Something to ignite my life. Something to come along and grab my hand and say ’Dave, we got this.’ I’ll have moments in my day to day where I feel like smiling and I recall so many important things that I’ve done in my life and how it makes me that much more capable to deal with the mundane. It can best be described as a moment when I’m stretching my soul out and allowing myself to breathe in what’s around me. Hoping and wishing that whatever I breathe in is what’s going to fuel that fire somewhere deep inside me. I could think of a million different metaphors for this thing that I’m feeling. Aside from that, I know that whatever it is that I’m feeling is being fed by a desire to dedicate my life to something. I’m waiting, as impatiently as ever. Whatever I do isn’t going to be pretty, and I’m sure it won’t make sense to many people. I want to jump out of my comfort zone and know full well that whatever the outcome, someone else’s life will be just a little bit better because of me. I honestly don’t want to waste it on something that could be compared to having this part time job working for something that I have no interest in.

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One comment on “Fire

  1. Pingback: Interim Disclaimer… | 365 Days of Dave

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