My blog a few days ago highlighted the topic of suicide. Sort of. The situation I found myself in in regards to ending it all with a hollow-point to the temple wasn’t exactly thoughts of suicide. It was more of a symbolic gesture of wanting to put an end to my life as I knew it, which was a life immersed in guilt and disdain. I had no one to turn to. I do (and have had) good friends that I’m sure would lend an ear or two but when it came down to it I simply didn’t have a ‘reason’ for doing what I was doing. I was hoping that something would come along that would amaze me. I soon found out that because I was living a life that wasn’t mine, whatever might have come my way wasn’t what I really wanted.
In a later blog, I will probably discuss suicide in a little more candid terms.
I’ve come to terms with some of the things I want in my life. Though my career path is still up for grabs there are a few aspects of my life that I need to find. I’ve had my fun traveling and being sort of a gypsy. Right now I have no one to answer to and no reason to choose one thing or another. I could travel down the path of becoming an airline pilot, or maybe go to Alaska and work the crab boats for a while. Maybe I can take a trip like my friend, Paul and backpack through Europe for a year or so. I could go back to driving trucks for a while. Maybe go back in the military, or trade my sailboat for a blue water boat and go sail the world. The possibilities are countless.
A much fun as all those things could be, I’m not content with simply doing any one of those things. Why? This argument is overused, but I’m tired of doing things alone. I tend to put up with bullshit in my life because its not really worth my energy. I live in less than ideal conditions because I don’t have a reason otherwise. I’ve learned to accept things that ‘normal’ people wouldn’t put up with because once again, I have no one else to worry about.
I want to have a family. I want to build something great with someone. I’m tired of the ‘game’ and I want to be with someone that is done with the game as well. When I go to work, I want to feel good about going home. When opportunities come up, I want to have someone else to discuss it with. I want to support someone’s dreams and be the one that they look forward to coming home to. I want truth and honesty. I want to feel comfortable not saying a word to someone and know that they don’t think any less of me. I want to live my life for someone else, and for a life that we create. No other motives. I don’t want to settle and I don’t want to be someone’s last resort. Wishful thinking right?
Though I’ve given up a lot of the materialistic things in my life, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’m living in an annoying situation but things are looking brighter. I have options and I don’t really have to worry about my future at this point. I ‘want’ to look forward to my future. Much better than standing in my burger joint’s kitchen wondering why the hell I was there.