I’ve been at a little bit of a loss lately though I’m at a fortunate place in my life right now. Sort of. I have nothing tying me down. I have a few debts and obligations of course, but there’s nothing keeping me from doing anything I want. Dilettantism is defined roughly as an amateur of the arts. A bit more of a cynical definition would be slightly good at a number of things but not to the expert level. As I’m writing this my lack of expert knowledge in the grammatical arena is preventing me from using it properly in a sentence. The general concept should be understood though.
I like to think I’m fairly good at a lot of things. If I really put my mind to it I could be really good at a lot of the things I do. There’s something that stops me and I can’t quite admit what it is. Much of my indecision has had to do with my ‘professional’ life. I use the term professional lightly. Rough count of jobs that I’ve had in the past eighteen years is about 38. Here’s a few: (no particular format)
Golf course groundskeeper-McDonalds-Construction-Pizza parlor(three times up to store manager)-disposable camera assembler-vacuum sales-toy store clerk-gift store clerk-Verizon,AT&T,cingular sales/corporate-lube tech-alignment tech-general tech-newspaper delivery (multiple times)-taxi driver-telemarketer-bartender-server-cashier-website design (small scale)-truck driver-tree climber-military (of course)-garbage man-Starbucks supervisor-lumber sales-restaurant owner… There’s quite a bit more I could list but its already confusing enough.
Soon to be on my résumé is something that has to do with flying planes. Pretty cool I guess. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to fly for a living. Maybe I do and I just don’t know it yet. I’m already thinking of the next thing I can do. I’m very unsettled when it comes to these things.
A important aspect of this quirk that I have with commitment is interpersonal relations. I’m sure that people look at me and my life and see instability. I see it as simply having a huge open space all to myself and no one to answer to, so I might as well wander around. To be honest, I’m scared of committing to just anyone. I’ve had my run with flakes and phonies. I’ve given myself for the sake of possibly creating something better only to be taken advantage of. Whether it be cheating or simply not communicating, I’ve found myself in situations that I should have known better. I guess a lot of people have this problem in different forms. It sucks.
I’ve given up a lot of things in recent years in hopes of leaving room for something better. Judgement and guilt has found it’s way into my life and it helps answer a lot of questions as time goes on. I want to live life for me, but also in consideration of what comes next. I’m waiting for a road to travel down and though I can always change my mind, I want to make sure that when I commit, it’s going it be good. My stagnant lifestyle appears lame to many I’m sure. Every once in a while I’ll venture out and try befriending some random people. I quickly learn that it’s all a show, and I don’t give two shits about trying to impress anyone. I try to give the benefit of the doubt when I can. Any relationship is about give and take. I’m becoming a little more aware of people’s actions (or inactions) as it applies to their motivation to be in my life.
The only thing I would truly have regrets about in life, is not trying. Whether its a job, a hobby or finding a partner, there’s nothing that should hold us back. If it doesn’t work out… It’s on to the next one.