I’m conflicted today with my topic of choice. I’ve cleaned a lot of crap out of my room today. Most of it is random shit that I piled up thinking I’d filter through one day and think of what I need and what I don’t. Well, today was that day. Sort of. I got my ass handed to me when I decided to clean my room out of crap when I was a kid. I can’t stand clutter but for some reason I find myself surrounded by it. It’s not by conscious choice that I collect things. I guess it’s just the guilt I feel if I throw something away. I think I was about eight years old when I went ‘bankrupt’ on my room. Instead of taking the time to decide on each individual object I had, I threw it all away. I would take handfuls of toys and junk and toss it in the garbage. Well, when my parents looked in the trash and saw a family portrait laying in the rubbish they decided to teach me some family values. After that day, I resent the fact that I had to keep that picture. Funny thing was that I never ‘chose’ to throw it away in the first place. It was simply mixed in with all kinds of other things. I felt like I needed an intervention of sorts. I’d pick something up and think the normal things. ‘I might use this one day’ or ‘maybe I know someone that can use this.’ I always learn a lot about myself when I do this. Most of the crap that I hold on to really has no meaning in my life. There’s only a handful of items that I truly can’t bear to part ways with. For those I have a safe that at least keeps them protected if the house burns down.
What we keep around may reflect what our life is like on a social or emotional level. Sometimes we have to go bankrupt on what keeps us doing the same thing over and over again. I’m about to make a move in my life and I want the least amount of crap to drag along. If not for me, for someone else that I may find myself with. Sometimes I’ll hold on to moments in my life in hopes that they’ll come around again. I’ve been stood up too many times, yet I’ll still put myself out there. There’s a fear that if I pick up everything I have and leave, that I’ll lose everyone and everything. Funny thing, I still go to bed alone. I’m not whining about it but it’s something that humbles me when I give people too much credit. When I wake up in the morning it’s just me, and my things. Not the most exciting life.
For anyone that read this. I’m sorry. It’s filling space and time. I sit here on Christmas Day alone. Again. It’s my choice I know. I can’t write anything of value at times like these because all I seem to think about during these times is how much I want things to be different in my life.